Discussion of the LBS cycles

[PEI]

My grandfather has been deceased for 26 years. Some days I still miss him very much. I allow myself to feel that.

Am I still grieving? I don't believe so, as it does not stop me from living.

Hmmm...this one stopped me in my tracks. Really thinking about it, maybe I define grieving differently. Just know I found this thought provoking ... in light of the losses in my family ... still thinking about this one.

As an LBS...

I am happy with me, happy with my life, happy about my future.

Does that mean there isn't occasional sadness about what was?

No. But it doesn't stop me from living.

The gold nugget. Thanks Cat.

Can I bring my MLCer through this tunnel?

I don't think so and honestly, I don't want that responsibility. His crisis, his issues, his to move through as he does or does not.

Amen.

PEI

[LanceSijan]

Lance,

One will NEVER have all the answers to this.

No where did I say I had all the answers T, I have had lots of questions though.
And you have answered most of them.

[handlingplanb]

TG - I think I feel stuck because I am still grieving all that I've lost. I still feel that all of THIS is wrong - and I still want another chance. I don't want to WANT this anymore. I want to be as DONE and detached as my H is.

I do have poor self esteem, despite knowing all that I should be celebrating in myself.

My H turned to another woman after sharing a life for 26 years, 20 years of marriage, building a life and business together and bringing 3 beautiful, perfect children into the world. I'm faced with believing that he found his "soulmate" in another - someone worth walking away from what we built together OR to believe what he has told me - that the OW is not in the picture and that because of "who he is" he cannot return to our marriage after having an affair.

Either scenario leaves me feeling pretty worthless. The man I've loved for most of my life (and despite it all I still do,a person who promised to love me forever doesn't want me anymore.

I know what my faults are. I know where I went wrong in the M. I've made changes - first for him, but now I know they are for me. I know the A is all on him. I know his choice not to return to the M is on him.....but, I can't stop believing that if I was a better person - or had done the work I needed to do sooner he would return to me......or....I was good enough for 26 years.......why not now?

[handlingplanb]

Maybe the lamp in my lighthouse doesn't have enough wattage.....

[MHL]

Hey PlanB,

It is never too late to get "unstuck". At least you know where you are and acknowledge it.....

I hear you saying to yourself

"What if I did this...."

"What if I did that...."

and at the end of those questions you are putting the same ending....

"maybe he would come back"

Ask yourself those same "What if's" but at the end of it start to put endings like.....

"I would be happy"
"I would have acheived a goal"
"I would ....
"I would....

Replace "he" with "I".....start asking yourself the things you want for YOU.

Then go out and do them and you will feel better about you.

[ericmsant2]

Why such the strong urge to place a label, stage or a name to this?? It's almost like you are expecting this to all be so clear cut and dry. Maybe it's easier for some deal with this if they view it as such, but I'm here to tell you it's not this "structured, patterned, your going to go through these steps and be completely over it" type of thing.

Spot f*cking on Trapt...spot f*cking ON!

All I'm gonna say...is spot on.

We seem to act like MLC is some sort of "cake receipt"...Like we can figure out EXACTLY what ours spouses are gonna do next. It's bullchit! Every M is different, every person is different, every sitch different.

We should not think that any of us can figure out the exact timeline/role/process of the MLCer. So please do not try the following...
if it is 80 in South Beach
and
Mach is walking out of a ALL male bondage store with handcuffs AND
PEI is drinking a beer in Canada AT
9PM
AND
My MLC wife is pulling into the driveway
AND
She said hello to me yesterday...that

She is now 3 months away in the replay stage.

We cannot plan any of the this...we can only do ONE thing...LIVE OUR LIVES...BE THE BEST WE CAN BE....

We will all cycle...
We will all hurt
We will all cry
We will all TRY and figure it out

Some M's will be saved
Some PEOPLE will be saved
Some will remain miserable in their lives

BUT

NOT ALL

So, in closing I repeat...to all LBS's - stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to come up with some timeline...and focus on ONE thing.....

YOU and YOUR Happiness...

The rest....

Leave it to GOD.

[PEI]

PEI drinking a beer in Canada????

That never happens.

[warriorshadow]

That is a true statement.

You never just drink "a beer" in Canada. That is just not you.

If you did, you are probably moving into a different stage.

I think that would be the "LAST BEER STAGE" LBS

[LanceSijan]

stop trying to come up with some timeline.

Eric, did I say anything about a timeline?
Please show me those words.
Stages are not timelines.
Leading the MLC'er is doing EXACTLY what you are preaching.
Working on YOU!.
Please do NOT twist MY words around.
Because then you are GUILTY as charged.
No one seemed to have any objections to the stages of the LBS months ago.
Why is it such a big deal now?

Why such the strong urge to place a label, stage or a name to this??

Does this mean that no one believes in the 6 stages of MLC?
I think you guys are missing something here.
the stages of LBS that LFW came up with closely resemble the stages of grief.
Do you not believe in that too?

I am not understanding you guys at all.

[LanceSijan]

It's almost like you are expecting this to all be so clear cut and dry.

Not my words. I have NEVER told anyone to have EXPECTATIONS.

And I disagree that one must know what "stage" they are in.

Again my words have been taken out of context. I was using that as an example, to illustrate how the LBS is cycling, either between stages or within a stage.

I will admit that it may not be as clearly written as I would have liked.