Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Dudess, thanks for following me back to my newcomers thread. You have and continue to provide great advice and really get me thinking about things. Let me answer your questions.

Do you see how not talking about the relationship brought her closer to you?

Yes and it was very very nice. I felt like I was talking to my "W" again for the first time in a long time.

Please notice that when you aren't trying to force any talk, (in this case because you had to be elsewhere), she moved towards you.

Yes, I didn't notice it at the time but I do now.

She said she is falling apart and you told her she looked great?!? This was a chance for you to be a soft place for her to fall when she felt like she was falling apart.

I'm confused now. What should I have said? I thought telling her that even though she thought she was falling apart I told her I thought she still looked good to me. I wanted to give her a boost and make her feel good like I used to. I thought that was giving her a soft place to fall. Should I have asked her why she thinks she's falling apart or should I have just listened and said I understand or sorry to hear that? Something else? Wow, I really missed this one I guess.

I suspect that now that you have begun to more consistently 'man up', she feels like she can show more of her soft, vulnerable side to you.

I would agree. I have to say that I have really stepped up and taken care of things. I was very happy that she felt she could open up to me.

It is big. Did you validate her hurt, i.e., did you demonstrate caring and understanding about her feelings?

Yes, I told her that I know I hurt her and for that I am very sorry. I told her reasons how I knew I hurt her. I told her that I would never hurt her again, I've learned my lesson.

This is huge that she indicated she might feel differently in three years. Did she ask you to wait three years? If not, saying 'now or never' may have felt like pressure to her.

No, she didn't ask me to wait three years. She just said she might feel differently in three years about things but right now this is where she is. When I told her that I wouldn't wait three years she said that's not what she meant and she was just saying she doesn't know how she will feel over time. I think this is the part of the conversation when she told me that I deserve someone who can give me what I want and she can't give that to me right now. Those were her exact words, "right now." That's when I replied and told her don't tell me what I want. I missed that she might feel differently over time.

How many times have you done this thing which you acknowledge is a very bad move?

Too many to count. I know, very dumb on my part.

You are pressuring her to go to counseling so the two of you can do exactly what you were doing at the moment.

Well, I figured the counselor might help us recognize how/when we push each other's buttons so we can stop that. Also to get her to talk more openly in a safer environment for her. It's like pulling teeth when it's just her and I.

Notice that the open talk happened because you (1)'manned up', (2) stopped pursuing, (3) talked about anything but the R, and yet, . . . here you are putting a screeching halt to the open communication by pressuring her to go to counseling so you can have open communication.

Yeah, that is pretty dumb isn't it? Thanks for pointing that out, I see that now.

Not good to tell a woman how she needs to feel. That is very invalidating.

Yes, I should have left that laast sentence out. I shouldn't have tried to tell her how or what she should feel.

Did you ask her more about that? How does that feel for her? Do you understand why she feels that way? Are you trying to understand her perspective?

No, I blew that opportunity to be there for her. I'm not sure I completely understand why she feels that way, no. I am trying to understand her perspective. It's not always clear to me though. I did tell her that I'm not trying to win with her, I just want to be here for her.

IMO, you really need to improve your listening/validating skills. David Burns has a good section on this in 'The Feeling Good Handbook' which I highly recommend.

Yes, I agree. I'll see if I can find that book. Thanks Dudess.

I do ok lately with her except when she brings uo D. That's when I can backslid. I will work on this. Sometimes I think I'm starting to get through but then she brings up D and that frustrates me. I know, I need to stop worrying about that.