Great fit of the blues this evening, I let it wash over me but I can't face life with this failed and empty feeling popping up every few days. Went to work - hardly any colleagues and next-to-no students, as general strike here today in French public services; they're going to raise retirement age. So I wasn't on strike but pussy-footed around at school with drastically reduced classes. Frustrating: you can't really get anything done, you're just teen-sitting.
As I travelled home, realized I didn't have a "home" like I once did. I miss the 2 younger children when they're with him. I don't call, though: they'd feel bad and so would I, and look needy into the bargain.I'll see them tomorrow night.
I didn't take my family - or even my H - for granted. He and they were the centre of my world, the reason I got up in the morning. I didn't ask for great things, just that they'd be happy. Yes, I did neglect my husband's needs: I didn't always want to make love when he did, couldn't relax when he was so distant and absorbed in work, when I'd to be up at 05h45 the following morning because I'd to travel far to work. I should have been more receptive, more relaxed, more careful of myself as a wife, but I just threw everything into being a good mum and succeeding at work. I couldn't win on all fronts. I realize now that I hurt his sense of himself as an attractive man. But in the name of all that's good and holy, why didn't he talk to me? Why didn't he encourage me to take more time and care over my appearance if that bothered him? He used to say he loved me and felt close and happy with me. I believed him. I'd have gone through fire for him. I always took him into account when I decided on anything, when I prepared a meal, when I did the shopping... I took great care of him if he was sick, I helped him write correspondance and corrected his papers and reports. I shared everything with him, never hid anything from him. I put him first. I just needed more communication and reassurance in order to feel in the mood sometimes. We did have an active love-life, it just wasn't up to what he wanted at all times. So he turned to another woman rather than talk to me. I'm not an angry person, I could have listened. And then he blamed me when he finally came clean. And hasn't stopped blaming me till recently. Said I was slow, unattractive, didn't take care of myself, didn't keep an orderly house, was incapable, bad at decorating, bad at managing money, useless as a lover. I've gone through the lot and I'll recognize that although the house is spotlessly clean and comfortable, it can be a little disorderly at times - three kids who like reading and playing with lego leave signs of life about, not to mention a dog, three cats and 5 birds. I was not the queen of glamour, but always was neat. I'm no fashion plate. I've a lot of work on my plate and prioritize, I considered that good relations with my kids and H were more important than being a slave to tidying and housepride.Yes, I'm a dreamer, he used to love me for that.He just vomited up a lot of very nasty stuff that didn't square with what he'd always said. And 4 months on, there are moments I still can't get my head around it. I feel that I hurt him and failed him, but then he didn't exactly give me the access and the means to love him as he wanted when there was still time. How could he possibly ever stop feeling all that anger and resentment? What did I do to deserve it? I'm trying to be detached, but I can't feel any confidence when I see the mess I've made. Why was I so blind? I suppose the pressures of work.
I still love him, but can't imagine ever being intimate with him again, after how he's made me feel. I couldn't relax, I'd feel judged and rejected at every glance. Unles he explains himself and/or recognizes the suffering his words and actions have caused.And that I can't see happening.
I'd had VERY little sexual experience before we met, so in a sense, my prowess or the lack of it is a direct result of his "coaching". I measure myself against his scale.
Sorry, I'm just at a low ebb this eve.Feeling alone and very vulnerable.When I got home from work, I found he'd been here most of the day, whileI was out and kids in school. It's still his house too; I've nothing to hide but feel watched. I'd left my bedroom windows open, he'd closed them. I don't know what he was at, but he has a flat that I don't go to. I'll have to tackle him about that, yet I've no energy for more battles. Is he keeping tabs on me to see how I behave? If the place is tidy? Afraid someone else will invade his teritory? Regretful and nostalgic but too pig-headed to see a way forward? I know I should put a foot down about this, it's not fair, yet I don't want to scorch away shoots of regret or sorry-ness if at all they exist. All in all, it's creepy. I don't mind him using outbuildings and downstairs, but feel strange that he's always in and out of my room, a room he fled in "horror" 4 months ago. Wish I could understand before saying anything.
I wish you well in your situations.Just writing this down and sending it out into space helps me lots. Hugs to you all. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
One of the hardest things is weighing the value in what our spouses say about our past. It's smart to want to make good changes in yourself, but you have to take what the WAS says with a huge grain of salt. The tendency to overemphasize the bad while forgetting the good is overwhelming. I doubt you're half as bad as he made out, and I think the rational part of you knows that.
I should forget about things he said, not believe them all, but I just can't. They rattle around in my brain and pop up unbidden at any time. While I'm at work, dealing with teens who are - in the vast majority, for the difficult ones - the direct, suffering results of divorce and separation and serial parenthood, I manage to keep it at bay. But when I'm at home here and the kids are asleep, these thoughts come flooding back. I was at a parents' meeting tonight at my younger children's primary school. It's a small village, I know the other parents. I looked about at the other Mums and Dads. The wives are not glamourous or perfect, just ordinary, yet they're mostly loved and cared for by their husbands. I can't help wondering why the hell I was different. I deferred to him and put him first in many ways, was loyal and loving and I'm neither stupid nor particularly ugly. I always went to those meetings, not he. All those things hurt. There was coffee after, but I came away, couldn't face the concerned (but smug) looks and inevitable questions: "How's M? We haven't seen him around lately" sort of thing.
I know I'm not the person he said I was. I mean that I'm not the person he chose to see me as, conveniently. At some point, he chose to stop seeing me as a wife and partner, someone to turn to and also to support -morally, not financially - and be loyal to. He stopped seeing me as someone to share his dreams with, as a friend. It wasn't just a feeling that came unstoppably over him, it was a CHOICE he made; he chose to see only my faults and failings, to see them as outweighing any good points. I now still choose not to give up on him, but he has taken away my life as a woman, ignored my needs and desires and those of his children.
I read and read here about detachment; those who write most clearly about it seem to be men. Could it be that men detach themselves more easily? My H seems to have had no problem detaching himself from his family, from the woman who chose to stay and make a home in a foreign country for him, who gave him three children, always went out to work and paid her fair share, gave him loyalty. It's so unjust. I suppose that's life. He was always the champion of the underdog, hated injustice, was very concerned about the OW when she was divorcing her ex because he was "a controlling so-and-so who always put her down and denigrated her". So why so unjust with me?
I'm beginning to think that if I'd been a selfish, nagging waggon who demanded attention and kept him on his toes, he'd still be here.
I need some -masculine?-help with detachment. I don't want to stop loving him or destroy any chance of reconciliation, but I realize I'm not doing this the right way. It hurts too much. I don't call or text, hardly, try to be busy and unavailable, don't ask questions or give any information about myself. But inside, I'm waiting for him to come back. I dopn't have the right mindset at all. Or maybe this is just a natural phase of weekend discouragement and blues?
Help on detachment, please. For an old-fashioned sort of wife who wants to stand by her man but also wants to survive and not get too depressed. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Those thoughts are evil things rattling around your brain. They drive me batty when I'm alone! Just remember that though there might be an element of truth to some of them, you can't figure out which ones are valid. So just ignore them the best you can.
And the parent's meeting is painfully similar for me. Hard to see all these "happy" couples. Then I realize that 4 out of 10 will be divorced eventually... Makes me feel more "normal."
Detachment is hard. But it's not just a way of protecting yourself now; it's really a way of developing healthy emotional relationships that enrich your life instead of entangling it. Some men may detach easier than women, but others have just as much trouble. I don't think it's gender specific, but more relationship specific. I had no trouble detaching from my first wife when I chose to divorce her. I was done, wanted to find that spark in my life, yada yada yada. Karma turned out to be a bitch for me...
I try to keep busy, I know it's for the best. Just feel very lonely at times. Friends and family have their own problems or axes to grind ("divorce him, he's not worth it..." /" just you wait, he'll come back in time...").
You frighten me when you mention your first wife: "I was done, wanted to find the spark in my life..."Sadly, that's one of the things I've been hearing from my H. I suppose there's a big chance he'll never again want to see me as wife material, he's stopped considering me that way.That's hard to accept, it isn't as if we fought daily. Until he turned towards this OW, we'd been happy together for 17 years (and 3 children). I mean, he gave every appearance and account of being happy, and (when he took time out from work to relax) extremely happy. And said so.
I'll read your linked article. And your stooory. Have a good weekend. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
NCU, it's often said that men compartmentalise better. Maybe that's why they detatch more easily? A thought. I would add that a lot of the best advice on this board is given mostly by men to male posters...sometimes I wonder how much the gender thing matters. Someone also posted an article from the Psychology Today website about affairs - and how men in passionate affairs are more likely than women to do crazy stuff and destroy their family etc. The article said that women feel more guilt about doing that. Stay strong!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
My first marriage was pretty odd. I had just recovered from melanoma (at age 28) and was really worried about dying. Married my girlfriend for all the wrong reasons, and things fell apart pretty quickly. We were only married 3 years. We didn't know each other very well, married after dating 5 months. I think it's different when you have a long history with a person. So don't draw too many conclusions from that.
Keep your chin up! And find something fun to do this weekend.
Piano, I've noticed too that the most practical advice often seems to come from men and be useful to other men, on this forum. But then I think that one of the major differences between women and men (and possibly the one that causes most problems)is that when you present a man with a problem, he understands that you want him to come up with a practical solution, that you will follow this advice and Bob's your uncle! While we of the weaker sex (!) often just want a sympathetic ear, are not actually looking for a piece of practical advice. I now realize that this was an obstacle to communication in my own couple. I would come home from work and say I was having problems with that rowdy crowd in such a class. I wanted him to say "tell me all about it chérie, I'll make you a coffee and hear you out, you must be wrecked". But he just said: "get tough with them, send them to the head's office, don't stand for any nonsense from them". End of story, and he'd get weary if I brought the thing up a second time. I wanted him to listen, he gave practical solutions and then returned to watching the box or some other more interesting activity, having done his bit.
Hope you and your little one are okay.
My H is no longer with the OW who helped him break us up. He's showing signs of neglect - the man who was always so clean-shaven and particular had a mighty six o' clock shadow this morning and also on Wednesday morning when he came to collect the children. Was pleasant today, asking me about school, activities. I've got to the stage where I can be outwardly cheery and self-contained, so things go better. This morning, the second daughter (eldest won't go with him or even speak to him) kicked up a row when he came to collect her and little brother. Cried and didn't want to go. He started then to get angry with me, saying if I couldn't understand the roster he'd write it out for me. I was on my way out, stayed calm and said I didn't try to create problems, but the kids didn't like the situation and were suffering and that he couldn't expect everyone to just fall in with his plans with a smile.Told him to stop getting angry with me. He climbed down quickly and I left him at it. When I returned, they'd gone. He sent me a text this evening with his land line number and "I understand".
I feel the tide is turning. I'm getting on with my life, and he's discovering the damage he's doing. He put a bomb under his relationship with me, his family and his children. All for some floozy who's moved on since then.I know I've to detach, but hope that he'll come 'round when he's had a bellyful.To a DIFFERENT relationship of equals, or not at all, mind you.
Pinhead, I've been to an art class, am learning to drive (no, I don't have a driving licence, at 46, shameful but ecological!), going to the gym and was at a book fair this aft, met some interesting people and took my mind off things a bit. It's always there, but I manage sometimes to rise above it and get an aerial view, as it were. Don't know what the future'll bring, but we'll survive. You have a good weekend too. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Your post of how you feel and all that H says to you could have been written by me. It reminded me of the much repeated saying, believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. It is so true, though, they are engaging in revisionist history and also failing to own up to their own short-comings and laying them at our feet. Though I know there is more we could have done (there always is), we did not deserve the treatment we got.
I think detaching comes from the actions you are taking, that you do the things you are doing, stay busy, not contacting H, not being needy and then the detachment follows. And then they start to sniff around. But, so much easier said than done. Especially those lonely evenings or the evenings spent with the happy couples. But when he comes back, you will be stronger and you will like you better, and that will make a world of difference.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
While we of the weaker sex (!) often just want a sympathetic ear, are not actually looking for a piece of practical advice. I now realize that this was an obstacle to communication in my own couple. I would come home from work and say I was having problems with that rowdy crowd in such a class. I wanted him to say "tell me all about it chérie, I'll make you a coffee and hear you out, you must be wrecked". But he just said: "get tough with them, send them to the head's office, don't stand for any nonsense from them". End of story, and he'd get weary if I brought the thing up a second time. I wanted him to listen, he gave practical solutions and then returned to watching the box or some other more interesting activity, having done his bit.
Yep. Men see things in terms of problems and solutions. Even here on the board we tend to act that way. I didn't realize how important really listening was to my wife until she dropped the Bomb. Now I love giving her my total attention; and she can't help but open up to me when I do so. Very powerful stuff.
Originally Posted By: NotCrackingUp
Pinhead, I've been to an art class, am learning to drive (no, I don't have a driving licence, at 46, shameful but ecological!), going to the gym and was at a book fair this aft, met some interesting people and took my mind off things a bit. It's always there, but I manage sometimes to rise above it and get an aerial view, as it were. Don't know what the future'll bring, but we'll survive. You have a good weekend too. NCU
My mother was divorced at 40, didn't have any job skills, no degree, couldn't drive. Somehow raised four kids pretty well until she remarried to a wonderful man. While it was awfully tough on her, she always viewed it as a great adventure. A perspective I think is wonderful.
