I've been reading this forum for a few months now.
I find the people here very helpful. I was hoping for someone to give me their opinion/advice...whatever you can offer. I think I should leave this heartbreak but another side of me says you know better and you should help him thru this..but he won't ask for help so ? I'm sorry this is so long. You guys explain your situations so well. I hope I don't ramble. I hope mc is marraige counsl. I wrote midlife crisis where it applies.
I currently live with my H. Married almost 20 years, together about 23. We don't sleep in the same room and have not for about 5 years now.
The first 10 years everything seemed okay. I had some medical issues but we got through...after this period my h and I stopped having regular sex. It became like 1-2 per month. I know why. He had to always watch a porno before we had sex. I grew bored of this and figured if he thought that me looking at a naked woman was going to get me in the mood he's crazy. It didn't and we didn't do anything. This was wrong. I know that now. I was just tired of coming home from work all day and having to make dinner and do all the chores on my own. I had no care for sex ever. He still couldn't understand so I started to actually tell him..I don't get turned on thru my eyes..it's the little things..consistantly..He said how can I buy you things or be nice when you always seem angry. I won't approach you when you're like that. Well if you don't approach me I won't feel any love from you. I'm afraid to kiss him as he thinks any physical contact has to lead to sex.. It's the chicken and the egg.. and nothing changed.. Okay...fast forward 5 years of this behaviour. I can't believe I let it go on so long. Honestly, I didn't know how to stop it.
After our 15th anniversary my H started to disappear for little periods of time. He waould leave in the evening to see a friend and not come back until the next day. I would have to go to bed and get up for work in the morning knowing he's still not back..his work clothes all here so he's not at work and me trying to find my way to work through 2 hours sleep and tears. It was always something. I was with friends and we got arrested..My buddy was at the hospital..I had to help someone...This went on for about 2 years off and on.. when after one time I thought he could be in someones trunk, he called me at work and said we need to talk. He wanted my help and forgiveness. He was a junkie and was scared. I cried and cried. I could not believe this is the man I married. What else has he done? Where was he all those nights? For the first time I was scared too. I didn't trust this man as far as I could throw him and I hated this. Trust is huge for me. I was crushed, but I decided to help him. Gave him places where meetings were being held if he needed pro help, I would go to meetings with him because he seemed remorseful and didn't want to be in that scene anymore. He looked frightened. He didn't go to one meeting. He relapsed a few times and is almost 2 years clean now.
About a year after he revealed the addiction (sex is still the same..1-2X mth) I started to have panic attacks. I was frozen. I was terrified. Nothing like this had ever happed to me before. I couldn't walk or talk and my H had to come find me in the middle of the mall and pick me up. I thought I was going crazy. This was all due to what I had been enduring the previous few years..not alot of closeness, sex..no kissing or intamacy. It took a toll on my mind. He stood his ground and wanted more sex and I wanted a little help, trust, stop the lies..
So while I'm repairing myself over the next couple of years the following happens..And btw..I still haven't addressed the sex issue.
I started to feel something was off. I tried to sit on H's knee once at a bbq and there weren't enough chairs..He moved back from me like I was invading his personal space. Usually he would wrap his arms around me. I don't know still if this was because of the terrible sex life and he couldn't have me on his lap because he wanted me badly or if he just didn't want me on him. Same thing when we pass in the kitchen or hall. We make sure not to touch. It's really pathetic.
H keeps his phone attached to his hip the last few years. I have never once looked in it. Ever. Until 4 months ago. He left for work one morning and I went in the bathroom and his phone was just sitting there on the counter. Oh Lord. I had time literally to check the last 2 text messages which began with ..You're cute..Oh I'm watching my favorite show...I hear the front door come flying open and him running to bathroom. I was floored. She was obviously answering him. He never asks me how I am and quite honestly, I thought only teenagers text msg. each other. Emotion set in before logic and I let him have it. I couldn't believe what he was about to tell me. I still can't.
A smile came across his face. He said look at their pictures. It's a scam. Apparently these men scam women from dating sites. He had a friend install this app on his phone and he thought if he started to ignore the msgs they would stop. Idiot. I told him your picture is up at a website for dating. It's never going to stop until you remove your profile. He said he couldn't as a buddy of his set it up and he doesn't know the name of the website or the password to remove it. Idiot. He then said he was getting too many responses and now wanted the game to stop. I told him he would have to change his phone number and he did right there and then. He thinks this is okay. I had recently lost my job and he was watching all these guys get money from these unsuspecting women and he thought he could get away with it without ever meeeting anyone.
That was four months ago and things are horrible. I've lost all trust for this person. What kind of charcter is this? This is not the kind of people we are. He's not starving or homeless. He earns a very good salary. I asked him weren't you scared of me reading this and thinking you are having an EA and he said beacuse of the way things are going with us he didn't care just wanted to ease the money burden a bit. He insists he didn't cheat and we haven't really talked since except to scream at each other which I've stopped doing since I found Michele and this site a few months back. I've tried to apply some things and we haven't argued for the last 2 weeks, but we don't really talk either. The last time I tried to initiate the convo I said how am I suppose to trust you now? He keeps insisting he didn't do anything except send a couple of text msgs. and we end up in a screaming match with him saying why don't you find me a MC on the internet. I have to find you a mc? I do? You should be the one that wants to fix yourself. You are doing all the hurting. You should come in my room and say can you find me a MC. Not me setting up everything for you. I still believe all these problems he's creating for himself stem from the SSM.
I can't trust him. Last night I had to force myself to go to sleep and not look through his phone. I was a good girl and didn't. But it's bothering me. Something in his behaviour tells me he cheated. I feel it. I just want him to come clean about all the lies. Stop being afraid to tell me things. He was afraid to tell me he had lunch once at hooters. I heard it from the guys at his work during a social event. He said..I told you that..no he didn't. Why hide something so childish? If this is the man he's turning into I shouldn't bother to save it. As much as I love him, I need to respect and trust my H or it's not fair to him or me. I feel like he's fighting me all the way. The last argument started with me saying are you ever going to sit down and talk to me about everything and ended with me screaming..fine don't bother going to mc or talking to me..it's been 4 months now and he seems okay with this life. I am not. I told him Im moving when the lease is up at Christmas and thats where we stand. Since I've been dbing the best I can but he just sweeps everything under the rug. Do I have to write it on the wall? I'm still moving..even if we're not fighting anymore theres still no P/E connection between us and I can't live like that. He hasn't said a word. I guess he thinks I'll change my mind? Is he waiting for the last day? My boxes are being packed. He sees them. He acts like nothing is wrong. Who is he having sex with? It's not me. I feel so lost. I just can't keep going to him and initiating conversations. I won't. I think I have to leave. But I love him. I know he loves me. Is this a midlife crisis? Please help me. What should I do. Why doesn't this bother him?
Thanks so much for reading. It felt good to get it off my chest.
There is a 'grabbing intel' somewhere on this board and I suggest you read it with regards to finding out if he's having an affair. Unfortunately, I do not know where the link is but I am sure someone can find it for you.
Your H's story about the dating website and the apps and his friends and passwords sounds like BS to me. Do you know if he's off the dating website? Sure he changed his #, but that doesn't mean his profile is down. He does know the name of the site so him telling you he doesn't is more lies.
As for MC, maybe you both can sit down and do a search on the internet about what MCs to see. But first he needs to be honest wtih you about the other stuff. Sorr you find yourself here. 5 years without sleeping in the same bedroom and sex every 1-2 months is understandably frustrating, and that is an understatement.
I don't want to check his phone. If he's cheating it's already over.
The day he changed his # he told the phone carrier what happened right in front of me and the company erased every msg and picture off his phone from that site. He showed it to me. I wish I had my time back I would have found the website myself and tried to erase the profile. It's still there somewhere. I hope someone I know doesn't see it.
I would be happy to try a MC. He won't initiate it as he thinks he did nothing wrong. I can't bring myself to set up an appt. and tell him about it. It could be my pride. I would like to see this initiation from him and not just something I think he/we should do. This is why I think he's having sex. He has been to hookers in the past before he was married. I didn't find out until after we were married. He used to be very honest with me. I want that back first. No matter how much it hurts me I want to know the truth first before I ever start to R.
There are a lot of red flags that would indicate that your H is or has been having an affair. I wouldn't even bother with MC at this point since he seems unwilling to work on any part of the relationship.
First of all, take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise, charge your battery. You don't mention children, so I assume you don't have any. That might make things easier; kids make things awfully tough.
What do you want? What changes do you need in your relationship to get your wants and needs met?
If you've decided to move out, why wait until Christmas? Living like you are for 2 1/2 months seems like hell to me.
There are a lot of red flags that would indicate that your H is or has been having an affair. I wouldn't even bother with MC at this point since he seems unwilling to work on any part of the relationship.
First of all, take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise, charge your battery. You don't mention children, so I assume you don't have any. That might make things easier; kids make things awfully tough.
What do you want? What changes do you need in your relationship to get your wants and needs met?
If you've decided to move out, why wait until Christmas? Living like you are for 2 1/2 months seems like hell to me.
Hi pinhead,
Thanks for your reply.
Wouldn't he be out if he were having an affair? He comes home after work and his job is filthy so I don't see him meeting anyone in that condition. ? He comes home and showers and lays on the couch waiting for dinner or walks the dog..things like that..He doesn't go far. He's usually with the neighbor men out front..I'm naive about alot of things so you could be right. I would have to snoop to know for sure, I suppose. I think he learned how to delete a text msg. so I may not find anything now.
I really believe he has adult ADD. His sister told me more than 10 years after we were married that when H was a little kid the doctors wanted to test him for ADD and other problems. His parents refused. Thanks so much I told my MIL. This is the reason I don't think he's unwilling as much as he doesn't know how to work on the relationship.
I've been using some helpful hints I found here and I haven't fought with him since. But it's cold. The problem is an elephant in the room and H acts like it's just going to go away. I wish he would come to me and say I need your help. We need to work this out. He hasn't said it but when I bring it up in an arguement he says..yes I want help find me a mc. I don't think thats up to me to do, and why does he only say that when I bring it up first?
When H told me he was an addict I was working and had everything I needed to get out. Now I've lost my job this year shortly before I found the text msgs. so by that point I was on a strict budget and theres no way I could cover a move by myself with no job. I'm looking now. Hoping I have the option not to move with him to another city in January if this isn't rectified.
I've been thinking about the changes that need to be made and first he needs to sit down with me and come clean about everything. This will put my mind at ease and I can start to really heal instead of living this day to day lie. He used to bring flowers, make things for me out of the blue...call me all the time to laugh or for stupidness throughout the day. I miss those things but I'm smart enough to know that sex was good then. If he could do some of those things agin the sex would naturally fall into place. How do I get him to? Or is he gone now? Idk.
It also sounds to me like he is involved with someone else. Have you been tested for STDs? Not to sound crass, but I would do it if I were you.
I have been tested and I'm fine.
I haven't had sexual relations at all with him in at least 6 months now.
Idk if he's involved but I wouldn't rule out a ons/hooker because during one of the last times we were together he called me by my full name. He never does that. It's always the short form of my name or just baby. He said it over and over. It bugged me. Either he was enjoying me because it had been mths since we did it last and he missed me or he was reassuring himself he was with his wife because of guilt.
I might have confused the times he was out getting high (after your 15th anniversary) with potentially hooking up with some one. The text messaging scam sounds like BS though. And don't overestimate how much time an affair takes, especially if it's someone he works with.
Soleil mentioned the "info gathering" thread. It might be in the Infidelity forum. I'd try to find out for sure if there's an OW involved. It would explain a lot.
I don't understand why you don't want to check his phone. Ignorance is bliss?
Same with not wanting to go to MC. If he's willing, but wants you to take the initiative for setting it up, are you going to let your pride get in the way of salvaging your marriage? MC isn't a cure-all, but your husband might open up if you both go.
I might have confused the times he was out getting high (after your 15th anniversary) with potentially hooking up with some one. The text messaging scam sounds like BS though. And don't overestimate how much time an affair takes, especially if it's someone he works with.
Soleil mentioned the "info gathering" thread. It might be in the Infidelity forum. I'd try to find out for sure if there's an OW involved. It would explain a lot.
I don't understand why you don't want to check his phone. Ignorance is bliss?
Same with not wanting to go to MC. If he's willing, but wants you to take the initiative for setting it up, are you going to let your pride get in the way of salvaging your marriage? MC isn't a cure-all, but your husband might open up if you both go.
I asked him when he wanted forgiveness because of the coke trouble, if he had slept with someone during one of those nights away and he swore up and down he didn't.HE told me sex is the last thing he wants when he's on coke. Now...I've never tried that drug so I don't know if your're horny or not.
He works heavy construction. Not a lot of woman around. I can't see it being someone with work. Ons still sticks out. Like a sore thumb.
I know it's my pride but I need to know I'm not again throwing my all into something when he'll turn around and do something else to wreck it. Hurts too much.
I think if he comes to me first we can have a conversation for once and I can ask him questions and we can find mc together. I want all his cards on the table. If he's not willing to work it out I wish he would just tell me. I feel like it's always me. The man just doesn't express himself anymore.
You have to be willing to take a risk. If he's not leading you to MC, and you're not willing to lead him, then you're doomed to failure. Based on what you've said, he's not going anywhere...
