please help me understand how we "affect their time in the tunnel." This is not something I've read before.....and want to understand the thinking.
In their mind the problem is ALL you and the marriage. The more you interfere by arguing, pursuing, blaming....whatever, the more that is going to reinforce that twisted idea.
They won't begin to focus on themselves because you will be standing in their way. It will take them longer.
I mean, if we knew, we mostly likely wouldn't have any fear of the unknown then right? We wouldn't really have to face certain things throughout this if it was all easily labled and plain to see.
Sorry that should read wouldn't....twice. WTF... it's Friday.
Ok. I get that. Stopped that a long time ago. I even almost understand why this happens
I don't ask for anything.....or expect anything......I'm just left with the pain, trying to heal and accept---and to move forward.
With the discussion centered around the LBS and their cycles.....I was a bit confused and thought this statement meant that the existence of a stuck/cycling LBS would increase an MLC'ers tunnel time.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I can even believe that my very existence keeps my H in the tunnel.......but the alternative/fix for that is unappealing.....and THAT is progress for me!
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
It surely can't be a waste of time to try to understand where you are in the process.....as a way to understand that this is a process??
Maybe it isn't for some. I can only speak for me. To figure out where I am would suggest that there is an end to my being open,living life, learning and growing.
Lance - would love for you to elaborate on this one.....do you really think the LBS "leads" the MLC'er, or am I misunderstanding?
I will stick with what I said about leading the LBS leading the MLC'er although everyone else seems to have there own opinions.
Originally Posted By: Heart Blessings
In this process, THESE LAST THREE STAGES(Depression, Withdrawal and Acceptance) is where the MLC'er learns the SAME lessons the LBS learns, and the MLC'er learns these lessons THROUGH the LBS actions TOWARD the MLC'er....as the LBS is the staunchion, or the pillar of strength..the "lighthouse" if you will...they are the source of strength that "draws" the MLC'er back.
If the LBS allows the MLC'er to run roughshod over them, in this latter half of the crisis, it will turn into a cycle that loops around and around until broken..and each time it loops, it's harder to break...and it takes MORE time and MORE strength to try and break the cycle each time it's allowed to come about.
Again I will disagree with not knowing what stage you are in. In order to navigate each journey you must know where you are and where you have been. I agree with Trapt that the future is unknown but to not know where you are on this journey is to wander around aimlessly.
The light house story says:
Originally Posted By: smurf
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
Again at different stages of the crisis the LBS must react accordingly. The first three stages letting go, grieving. The last three stages rebuilding and reconnecting.
I will agree that MOST people on this board are in the first stages of letting go. That does not mean you must stay there. I have seen LBS'er stay in the anger and denial stage and the MLC'ers follow suit, never learning any lessons and becoming stuck. Remaining in crisis for many years.
So yes I will stick with what I said, The LBS'er does lead the MLC'er on this journey, through all the stages.
Until we all learn the lessons that we are required to learn we will remain on the path and loop around, repeating it over and over. And our MLC'er may remain with us.
