What we are all trying to do is get you to a better place.
Right now you got the "I feel like a piece of sh!t cause my W is having an affair" look on your face.
What is your intent here?
What is your goal?
To get your W back?
If she came back right now what would be different other than you would feel better about yourself.
Consider something. Your W had an affair. No excuses for it.
But as they say ... a symptom of the problem. Not THE problem.
THE problem was your M. And my friend YOU are part of the problem.
So
I agree with these wise folks here. Don't talk to your W right now because you are not in the frame of mind to do it right now.
Call it a boundary. Call it a tactic. Call it a 180. But have a goal.
You lost who you are. Cause you're not the guy who just got kicked in the cowboys.
You got to get to the man you want to be. You don't need your W back to do that. You don't need tactics of communications.
If YOU want to be Cary Grant-then get a nice clean haircut and don a stylish suit.
If you want to be Cane from Kung Fu-shave your head and walk the earth.
If you want to be Wally Gator-put a big alligator smile on a get on some skis and ski through the swamp.
If you aren't these things but you pretend to be
if you talk to her with tactics and being someone you aren't...
She will sniff you out like a drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
None of those things has anything to do with your W. So f@ck her right now. I don't mean that in a mean spiteful way. I mean she doesn't matter right now.
YOU do.
If you can't talk to your W without
Anger Spite Snarkyness Or just plain being someone you don't want to be or aspire to be
Then best not to talk to her until you can.
So back to my question...
What is your intent here? What is your goal?
Tactics are tactics. You want to change your situation or your life?
Stop making it about your W and get busy on you man.
Figure out what you want and do it. Get the faith back in yourself.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What we are all trying to do is get you to a better place.
Right now you got the "I feel like a piece of sh!t cause my W is having an affair" look on your face.
What is your intent here?
What is your goal?
To get your W back?
If she came back right now what would be different other than you would feel better about yourself.
Consider something. Your W had an affair. No excuses for it.
But as they say ... a symptom of the problem. Not THE problem.
THE problem was your M. And my friend YOU are part of the problem.
So
I agree with these wise folks here. Don't talk to your W right now because you are not in the frame of mind to do it right now.
Call it a boundary. Call it a tactic. Call it a 180. But have a goal.
You lost who you are. Cause you're not the guy who just got kicked in the cowboys.
You got to get to the man you want to be. You don't need your W back to do that. You don't need tactics of communications.
If YOU want to be Cary Grant-then get a nice clean haircut and don a stylish suit.
If you want to be Cane from Kung Fu-shave your head and walk the earth.
If you want to be Wally Gator-put a big alligator smile on a get on some skis and ski through the swamp.
If you aren't these things but you pretend to be
if you talk to her with tactics and being someone you aren't...
She will sniff you out like a drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
None of those things has anything to do with your W. So f@ck her right now. I don't mean that in a mean spiteful way. I mean she doesn't matter right now.
YOU do.
If you can't talk to your W without
Anger Spite Snarkyness Or just plain being someone you don't want to be or aspire to be
Then best not to talk to her until you can.
So back to my question...
What is your intent here? What is your goal?
Tactics are tactics. You want to change your situation or your life?
Stop making it about your W and get busy on you man.
Figure out what you want and do it. Get the faith back in yourself.
My intent...
Financially protect myself and delay Sept 30th divorce, until we have a full financial agreement.
Go workout
Stop smoking
Get "ME" back or at least a NEW "Me"
Control my fear.
My original goal was to get W back, but realize I need to get me back first.
My Wife is freaking out. I'm going to post the actual emails, I need help with this. 2x4's - Mercy's - Head Locks - Whatever has to come....
First Email I sent:
W, I spoke with an attorney on Tuesday. We discussed our financial obligations and the current activities taking place. He stated based on the evidence I provided him that it is in our best interest to postpone dissolution and proceed through mediation until a written financial agreement and plan is established. Once this has been established then we can proceed with the dissolution.
He cannot mediate for us due to me talking to him, but he recommends one of the best Mediators in the state, ( )She’s been doing this for many years and is well versed in law and equitable agreements. We also have the option of finding a different one. These Mediators are no where near the cost of an attorney or a divorce.
I’ve decided that it is in my best interests to have a fair and agreeable plan put in place before we proceed through this Dissolution. Would you like me to set up an appointment with ( ) or would you like us to find a different one? My personal feelings on ( ), is sounds like with her experience she would cut to the chase and tell us actual advice rather than make us guess or question.
Please let me know and I will schedule the appointment.
First Reply:
Not post-poning the dissolutionment not dragging this out any longer it takes forever to get another court date so id rather not do that. If we can see someone before then that's fine. That's why I had asked you if u wanted to do that way before now. If u like I can stop by after work today to discuss a set plan before Thursday and come to an agreement. We can get it writing and present it. I dont plan on bailing on making mtg pmt if that's what ur thinking. I do have some ideas to run by you and see how u feel about them. Please respond.
She sends another:
Pleas respond. U should have told me on Tuesday u spoke to someone not wait til Friday. So yay or nay on hearing any of my ideas?
My reply:
I understand that you and I had discussed Mediation before. I have changed my mind based on current circumstances.
We had a set plan – verbally - it was broken last week. I’m not a mind reader and I did ask you for clarification. You said you would let me know where you were at last Friday but you didn’t. I can only go by your actions. Sucks it has to be this way.
I will call and set up appointment with ____and I’ll let you know when it is. It is not in our best interests to make financial decisions together without a neutral 3rd party involved. You have some ideas that you want to run by me to see how I feel? Email your ideas I’ll consider them over the weekend. I’m more than happy to open up discussions, but no decision will be made without mediator.
Btw I called you yesterday because you were right behind me and wanted you to swing by really quick and grab your snow tires and let you know what I had decided.
Her replies
Sorry I did forget. I can bring some money to you tonite it u wish and u should have called me back last nite. I see the acct is low and it's not fair. I do not have much left until payday. And nutthin verbally has been broken. I'm the dumbass who just forgot. We can come up with our own plan with out mediation as like I said I do not want to post pone the court date or prolong this. What ever agreement we come up with on our own the judge can set it in motion i WiIL NOT break any agreement.
Another reply:
Can we discuss over phone? It's difficult through email for me on ideas.
You've said your piece to her, she doesn't like it, too bad. I think you did fine. Just reply that as you stated, you want a 3rd party to sit in when discussing financial stuff. Stick to your guns.
You've said your piece to her, she doesn't like it, too bad. I think you did fine. Just reply that as you stated, you want a 3rd party to sit in when discussing financial stuff. Stick to your guns.
And don't be home tonight...
This. ^
Remember, it's not your job to make her feel better about all of this.
