mza8, I am responding to portions of your last post in the infidelity forum, because I think your interaction with her was significant.
We talked about good things…anything except the house and R.
Do you see how not talking about the relationship brought her closer to you?
We walked down the basement to see if the carpet needed to be vacuumed. Anyway, while we were down there I said, “ok, looks like we’re good.” She asked, “good with what?” I said good with the house cleaning. She looked at me and started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing was wrong. I asked her again and got the same response so I dropped it.
We went back upstairs and talked more. She shared information with me about her foot. She hasn’t shared personal information with me at all.
She then said she felt sick. I told her to sit down and got her some water. I sat next to her and we talked more. Again, just good things, no R talk. I had to leave and told her that I had to be somewhere. We walked out to the garage and she kept on talking to me. I wound up almost being late to where I had to be because she kept talking.
Please notice that when you aren't trying to force any talk, (in this case because you had to be elsewhere), she moved towards you.
she walks up to me and stands very close to me. I didn’t know what to do...put my arm around her or do nothing. I told her that I thought she looked great. She put her head down and said that she is falling apart. I put my hand on her back and said that I still think she looks great.
She said she is falling apart and you told her she looked great?!? This was a chance for you to be a soft place for her to fall when she felt like she was falling apart.
We had a 3 hour talk on Tuesday. It started out talking about the house but then talked about the M. She slowly and reluctantly opened up a bit more and told me some things. She said she wanted me to “man-up” and take care of things for the past 2-3 years.
I suspect that now that you have begun to more consistently 'man up', she feels like she can show more of her soft, vulnerable side to you.
She once again said she doesn’t trust me and that she is angry. Then she said that I hurt her and she won’t let me hurt her again. I thought this was big that she finally said something so deep that I hurt her and she won’t let it happen again.
It is big. Did you validate her hurt, i.e., did you demonstrate caring and understanding about her feelings?
Said that she might feel differently in three years. I told her that I’m not waiting three years. That I am willing to try now and know it will take time.
This is huge that she indicated she might feel differently in three years. Did she ask you to wait three years? If not, saying 'now or never' may have felt like pressure to her.
We talked about counseling. I asked her again if she would go.
How many times have you done this thing which you acknowledge is a very bad move?
She started with her going for closure. I told her again that I don’t want to label why we’re going. She asked why I want to go and I told her to talk openly like we were doing now.
You are pressuring her to go to counseling so the two of you can do exactly what you were doing at the moment.
Notice that the open talk happened because you (1)'manned up', (2) stopped pursuing, (3) talked about anything but the R, and yet, . . . here you are putting a screeching halt to the open communication by pressuring her to go to counseling so you can have open communication.
She asked me why I wanted to get back together with her. I told her many reasons and at the end I told her the biggest reason is because I love her. I told her that I won’t hurt her again but she needs to try to let go of the past.
Not good to tell a woman how she needs to feel. That is very invalidating.
She then started to cry and said that she feels like she just can’t win. I told her that it isn’t about winning for me.
Did you ask her more about that? How does that feel for her? Do you understand why she feels that way? Are you trying to understand her perspective?
IMO, you really need to improve your listening/validating skills. David Burns has a good section on this in 'The Feeling Good Handbook' which I highly recommend.
