I don't know about the infatuation. It might just be your mind fantasizing about what could be. That's pretty harmless as long as you don't dwell on it excessively. But I wouldn't put myself in a sitch where anything could happen with it.
Schnarch's new book says there is always a LDP in a relationship. And that LD is subjective and relative. (Dr Love you could very well be LD for me, LOL!!)
Yes everything is "relative"... and you have given me some great advice BUT......"Dr Love you could very well be LD for me" WRONG... lady I am talking about being ready for a full week none stop baby......
sorry finding for high jacking your post.....
Last edited by Dr LOve; 09/25/1002:26 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hi Kalni, thanks so much for sharing this with me. I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your sitch yet. Did he share with you why it took him months to start initiating? And, would he respond to you if you initiated during that time?
PS - wonderful to hear you got an 'ILY' regardless if it were in person or not.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I don't know about the infatuation. It might just be your mind fantasizing about what could be.
Yes, I think you're bang on here. I think I was just wanting to be - well 'wanted'. Emotionally; sexually, however... just 'wanted'. H and I had a couple tough convos this month that made me think - yet again - that my presense in his life really doesn't make a difference to him:
The first convo: He'd told me that me going with him, to an uncle's funeral of his a couple of years ago (which happened to be a 10 hour drive away in the middle of winter) didn't really make a difference to him because the death 'hadn't really bothered him that much'. (Wish he would have told me THAT when I'd offered to go with him).
The second convo: This week I'd happily offered to come and cheer him on for a race he's running today. However, he actually discouraged me from coming, saying it would be chilly and I shouldn't bother. We went back and forth like that a couple times, then I finally said, "well - when I do my race next year you'll be there to cheer me on won't you? So I just thought it would be nice if we could cheer each other on!" He kind of laughed, making a joke saying "ooohhh... yeeeaaah... Okaay...I'll be there" like he hadn't even considered going. At that point I gave up. I figured well, I've tried reaching out to you three times to offer my support to you, and you've not only rejected it, you've also let me know I shouldn't expect your support when I do my race. So I figured fine - why bother? He left this morning. After the race he's going right off to his work trip so I won't see him for a week.
So, between these convos and all the rejection around ML, I think I just started wanting that feeling again... that a man wants me; some man somewhere sees me and feels like I make a difference in his life. And I guess when I'm not feeling it in my real life, I escape into imagining another man feels that for me. Pretty sad and pathetic of me I guess. At least last night, seeing this guy again after a couple months, my attraction to him lost a lot of it's shine. I don't think I'll be thinking about him so much any more.
But now I'm faced with dealing with this perception of my H's seeming indifference to me in so many situations. Which I guess, is what that attraction enabled me to escape from having to deal with in the first place.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/25/1002:40 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
That can be really tough. A suggestion? Don't focus on the rejections or negative events. Focus on the the good things, the acceptance, the little things that go right. There's a notion called "confirmation bias." If we're scared or pessimistic, we notice the things that scare us or reinforce our pessimism, even though they may be isolated incidents.
For example, I snuck a card into my wife's suitcase with a little romantic comment. I knew she wouldn't find it for a day or two. Well, with her being gone, and me missing her so much, I was in the dumps. Then she sends me an email thanking me for the card yesterday. Made my day. One good thing in a week of crap can make a huge diff, just as one really shitty moment can ruin the best of weeks.
Keep a PMA, focus on the good things in your life, write a daily gratitude list.
That can be really tough. A suggestion? Don't focus on the rejections or negative events. Focus on the the good things, the acceptance, the little things that go right.
Hi Pinhead. I totally agree that pessimism reinforces the number of negative events that you notice. Especially if they're isolated events. However, I think a balance needs to be found. For years, all I did was sweep the rejections and negative events under the rug. I kept seeing them AS isolated events, when really it was an ongoing pattern of negative behaviors and communication. And my husband would encourage that by getting angry with me if I ever wanted to discuss a conflict we were having. It got me nowhere but a therapists office. I stopped trusting myself; I blamed myself for everything.
So I guess I'm trying to find the right balance now. I agree that we all have to focus on the good things and the acceptance. But I also have to notice the negative interactions so that I know how to deal with them. If I instead blame myself for noticing them by criticizing myself for being pessimistic, I can't learn what's going on underneath the negative patterns and therefore how to change it.
BUT it's occurring to me now that focusing on the good in life doesn't have to come at the expense of dealing with the negative patterns that need to be addressed. Why can't I see them both at the same time? Seems like a 'tall order'. I think it requires more self-awareness that I used to have, but I think that with all I've learned this year maybe I can achieve that now. Hey! That feels good to realize! Thanks for having this talk with me and helping me come to that, Pinhead!
PS I LOVE your story about the romantic card you snuck into your wife's suitcase. Wish I would have thought of the same before my H left this morning. Take care! FMV.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/25/1004:17 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I've been reading Couple Skills by Matthew McKay while H is out of town for work this week. I'm learning a lot about schemas and how they reinforce 'confirmatory bias' as you'd mentioned earlier pinhead.
So I've decided to just set aside this "my H is indifferent to me being in his life" 'label' for a bit - I'm not going to just sweep it under the rug and try to forget about it. My feelings are still a little hurt about those discussion too, and I'm not going to just sweep those away either.
What I WILL do is 'collect evidence' to the contrary for a while, see if that changes my perception of what's going on there. I'm going keeping my mind open to the possibility that there's other reasons why he'd responded the way he did.
Have had a great GAL week so far. Running club, hanging with the pups, drinks with a friend tonight and choir tomorrow. And I miss him. Thank god. It was a different story last year when he went for this same annual trip.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So I've decided to just set aside this "my H is indifferent to me being in his life" 'label' for a bit - I'm not going to just sweep it under the rug and try to forget about it. My feelings are still a little hurt about those discussion too, and I'm not going to just sweep those away either. .
More separated at birth stuff!
I have that poisonous thought far too often. And it really is poisonous.
I have that poisonous thought far too often. And it really is poisonous.
Lol!
Yes, It is isn't it. I so wish I wouldn't have left so much time before my next appt with my IC. Ah well. Goodbye savings, hello sanity. So I guess I'd better get back to work so I can afford to keep paying for my appts!! Take it easy today Pinhead. Remember... no assumptions!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
