You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

I love your rambling BBJ.

I know I have to get to a point with STBXW where I can smile and say hello and goodbye. Not for her sake but for my girls. I want them to be proud of me.

It's so hard figuring out what the right R should be. I'm so used to just helping whenever and wherever possible and she didn't want that and I don't want to spend the rest of my life letting her cake-eat. It's a fine, fine line.

Funny. STBXW just responded to my text three days ago that I can't make the Sept. 29 meeting. She said she is going to keep the meeting and will let me know what they say. I'll wait a bit and text back that she should send me an email after.

The past couple of nights I was cutting and pasting my prior postings -- not all, the significant stuff -- into a word doc. Some day, years from now, I'll want to look back to see how I moved forward.

I joined the site in September, which was already five months out of the house, I've copied over the stuff through November and it's interesting reading how hopeful and naive I was.

In terms of interacting with STBXW, I was much better last year. Polite. Helpful. We talked several times a week. But I was still operating under the belief this would all work itself out.

All of the anger last year was self-directed.

I realize now that there was no hope of saving the M from the night I walked out. She was years past making her decision. So I feel like a fool now at times, like she's been laughing at me as I danced at the end of her string. So that's part of the anger.

Someone earlier wondered whether I needed a catalyst to get over the hump. I think I just need to finish everything in the process (and get the settlement, Mishka has warned me before that that's not automatic) and then keep ticking days off the calendar.

I've spent the past couple of days fretting over NEXT summer. I know I'm supposed to live in the moment, but I want the summers to be special while they are still young and I know what I spent this summer so I know what I need to save for next summer.

As you can see, my mind really isn't into work right now. But it will be. I'm covering for someone Sunday and will be here for several hours to catch up.