You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[BobbiJo]

I just have to interject that, for me, the divorce did not grant me an immediate release of all negative emotions. I have heard a lot of people on these boards say that they can't wait for the D process to be over so that they can be 'free' from the pain, grief, etc. In my case, that didn't happen. Maybe it just means I was too attached, who knows?

But I mean, when a person dies, having the funeral ceremony doesn't resolve all of the feelings of grief. And having the D signed doesn't remove all of the pain there, either. Just my experience.

[soleil]

Bobbi, how long was it before you started to feel better?

[smith18]

The biggest agony of the D process is the uncertainty of not knowing what the outcome will be. Once we signed off on everything and I refinanced to pay off the division of assets and spousal support buy out, it was a big relief that smelled like "FREEDOM"!

[Virtually_Handsome]

If there was ever a case where everyone was different, this is it. I actually felt very little on the actual day it was finalized. I had been over long enough that it really wasn't a big deal. But I know that was just me, I would not expect it to be the same for everyone.

[BobbiJo]

I think the process of healing happens in waves/stages/cycles.

I can recall in the early months post-bomb, falling on the floor, literally, sobbing. I can count on one hand the number of times that has happened in the last 7 months since the D was finalized. Only once or twice I have felt like I was back at square one, emotionally. I think that the calm periods between the waves just keeps getting longer.

Kerry and I had different experiences bc in my case, it was my xH who had to shell out alimony and a settlement, not me. And he does not experience that settlement as "freedom!"...he feels victimized that now he has to shell out money to me in alimony for the next 8 years. Never mind that he offered up alimony, it was not required as we had only (only???) been married 12 years. I did feel a definite level of relief once I was certain that my financial support would allow me to stay in my house and pay all of my bills.

It is still a matter of highs and lows. Getting my first real, good kiss a few weeks ago? Definite high. Picking up kids from H's yesterday and seeing a bag w/OWs name sitting in the middle of the living room? Low. Although there are more highs than there used to be, and fewer of those looooow lows.

Thanks for letting me ramble CTH

[ClingingToHope]

I love your rambling BBJ.

I know I have to get to a point with STBXW where I can smile and say hello and goodbye. Not for her sake but for my girls. I want them to be proud of me.

It's so hard figuring out what the right R should be. I'm so used to just helping whenever and wherever possible and she didn't want that and I don't want to spend the rest of my life letting her cake-eat. It's a fine, fine line.

Funny. STBXW just responded to my text three days ago that I can't make the Sept. 29 meeting. She said she is going to keep the meeting and will let me know what they say. I'll wait a bit and text back that she should send me an email after.

The past couple of nights I was cutting and pasting my prior postings -- not all, the significant stuff -- into a word doc. Some day, years from now, I'll want to look back to see how I moved forward.

I joined the site in September, which was already five months out of the house, I've copied over the stuff through November and it's interesting reading how hopeful and naive I was.

In terms of interacting with STBXW, I was much better last year. Polite. Helpful. We talked several times a week. But I was still operating under the belief this would all work itself out.

All of the anger last year was self-directed.

I realize now that there was no hope of saving the M from the night I walked out. She was years past making her decision. So I feel like a fool now at times, like she's been laughing at me as I danced at the end of her string. So that's part of the anger.

Someone earlier wondered whether I needed a catalyst to get over the hump. I think I just need to finish everything in the process (and get the settlement, Mishka has warned me before that that's not automatic) and then keep ticking days off the calendar.

I've spent the past couple of days fretting over NEXT summer. I know I'm supposed to live in the moment, but I want the summers to be special while they are still young and I know what I spent this summer so I know what I need to save for next summer.

As you can see, my mind really isn't into work right now. But it will be. I'm covering for someone Sunday and will be here for several hours to catch up.

[ClingingToHope]

What would she have to do, short of reconciling, to make you want to see more of her?

That's a good question.

Nothing really. She's already apologized and that did nothing for me.

I miss the woman I married and was married to the first five years. I don't miss -- emotionally -- the woman she became the past five years.

I miss her physically. No matter what she looks like, I'll see her as that 16 year old beauty I first met in high school.

I posted this before. I was driving by a dive bar on the way to a softball game and I noticed some 40ish women coming out with their biker jackets on, and I wondered if that's what STBXW looks like when she's partying with her biker buddies.

She's no longer my type.

Plus, we are both stubborn. Even if she falls apart and is miserable I doubt she'll ever admit to me she made a mistake.

And even if I find the perfect person for me and live happily ever after, I'll never admit she was right to blow up the M without any attempt to work at it -- one trip to the marriage counselor, come on.

[ClingingToHope]

I just have to interject that, for me, the divorce did not grant me an immediate release of all negative emotions. I have heard a lot of people on these boards say that they can't wait for the D process to be over so that they can be 'free' from the pain, grief, etc. In my case, that didn't happen. Maybe it just means I was too attached, who knows?

I'm really curious as to how I'll feel that day.

The book "I Do Again" that I read last year, the husband who didn't want the D didn't show up to the final court appearance. The wife, who wanted it did. After, she went to her bank to get a certified check for the settlement and went to the husband's office. She didn't know what to say, so she smiled and said "Wow, can you believe we are divorced?"

He looked at her and said. "Not until this very moment."

I've read a lot of threads and some powered through that day without a problem. Others had a really tough time of it. And there were lots of in between.

I know it won't be as bad as my first Saturday out of the house. That was awful. My girls stayed with me Friday night. I took them to what had been my home for 11 years and then went back to the empty house I was staying at ... with absolutely nothing to do.

I broke down completely.

I finally called a friend and said "let's go golfing" just so I'd have something to do for a few hours.

That was the worst day of my life. Worse even than the day my mom died -- because STBXW was there for me then. This time, I had the feeling of utter rejection and defeat and thought I'd feel that way for the rest of my life.

[ClingingToHope]

Worked a high school football game last night. Didn't spend any money for the day and made the extra $45. That's good.

Looked at my accounts in detail yesterday. IF, and that's a big IF, I get the $11k settlement from STBXW then I'll be able to restructure a loan and pay off:

* The medical bill from the tooth implant last December.
* The legal bills from the D.
* The personal loan to pay the L to defend me in the D.
* The Discover Card bill in full.
* My auto loan in full.

That's $500 a month in payments that will disappear and my payments on the restructured loan will stay the same.

If all of that happens then all of this extra stuff I'm doing can go towards saving and investing in my kid's college accounts and having the confidence that when I do find someone I won't just be digging myself a deeper hole again.

Woke up with nothing to do in the morning and did laundry, dishes, a little cleaning. I'm collecting boxes for the move next month. I sent STBXW an email asking about D11's theater audition next Friday (it's my weekend) and telling her I signed D11 up for a babysitting class over two nights in November. D11 wants to start earning her own money. We've had several talks about if she saves and invests 10 percent of everything she earns then she will be able to afford those houses she loves to look at at a much younger age than I will be able to (I haven't given up hope).

I told her that I didn't learn that lesson until I was in my 20s and then we as a couple never learned how to follow through on the plan.

I'm going golfing in an hour and then have a variety of things I could do tonight so it's going to be an OK day. Tomorrow, I'll hit church, go with a friend to help him deliver a generator and then I'm covering an editing shift at night.

Downer, stepped funny on my foot and the toe that has been bothering me since February is hurting again. I don't think there's any way to avoid seeing a doctor about it. I have to work the Chicago Marathon in two weeks and I need to get it fixed after. That'll likely mean no basketball this winter, but I can't keep hobbling around on this toe forever.

[antlers]

You're doing what you gotta do to get through those rough days. Good for you for calling a friend. "when you're going through hell, keep going". That's what you're doing, so keep it up. It's really all you reasonably can do...so keep on. I know those times that you described are hard...many of us here know firsthand what you're feeling. I'm confident that things will get better, in time... the hurtful emotions being experienced.