Looking for help with WAW

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I'm just going to contact her later and leave her a short message with the house update for today. That's all I'm going to contact her about from now on. I really screwed up last night

How many times have we heard this before?

Stop making the same mistakes!

You are totally right, your fear is eating you up.

Are you afraid to lose her?
Letting her go is the ONLY way to conquer this fear.

Come on mza8, you have been given so many opportunities to show her you're different now.

Sorry for the 2x4s, I'm just trying to help you.

[mza8]

Which comes from your thinking which drives your emotions which drives your actions.

Couldn't agree more. You're right, you're so very right Coach. It's tough for me to believe that me being positive will have any affect on her. I know MWD says that if one person changes in the R then the other person will change. I will get myself to be on such a good path for a while but then slip back when the hopelessness creeps back in.

Woman don't want their man to fix them or give a solution to their problems (even though that's how men deal with teach other). Just listen and be supportive. Her feelings are her feelings. No need to try and change them, they will change soon enough own their own.

Ok. When I talk to her and she starts going off about things I think to myself all of the good advice I've received here and how to handle things. I do pretty well for a while but sometimes my emotions still take over. I'm working very hard on getting better with that. Lots of work to do still.

It's still important that her and I keep in contact about the current house situation. I do need to contact her later today about some things. When I do should I apologize for my conversation last night and just leave it at that or not even apologize and just keep it about the house? I wouldn't bring up any R talk (I might be stupid but I'm not that stupid :))but it might be the right thing to do to just say that I'm sorry for last night and then drop it. Thoughts?

[mza8]

How many times have we heard this before?

Stop making the same mistakes!

You are totally right, your fear is eating you up.

Are you afraid to lose her?
Letting her go is the ONLY way to conquer this fear.

Come on mza8, you have been given so many opportunities to show her you're different now.

Sorry for the 2x4s, I'm just trying to help you.

I know, I know, I know. I keep making the same mistakes. It's so hard not to want to try and to just let go. Deep down I know that letting go is my only hope. Boy that's so very hard to do. I know I've been here a long time and I should be better with this.

I never mind the 2x4s. I deserve them. It's great that so many continue to stick with me even after my mistakes.

[mza8]

How do you think she would act if she was having second thoughts?
If you think the only reason she's being nice is to get something then you won't be able to tell if she's being nice b/c she's having second thoughts.
Keep an opened mind.

I hear you. I guess she might act the same way as she's acting recently. However, she still talks about D so I'm not sure she has any second thoughts.

I try to keep an open mind but when she still says she wants a D and has her lawyer send me a letter it's tough to keep an open mind.

This statement here shows you not ready to move on w/o her.
She knows you still waiting for her. Show(Lead) her to believe you deserve more from a R.

She said something to me on Tuesday that I deserve someone better. She said she can't give me what I want right now. She said she doesn't know how she would feel in three years. I told her that it's not right for her to tell me what I want. I told her that I'm willing to give her more time but I'm not waiting three years.

You have been here long anough to know that there will be back steps from a WAW.
So doesn't feel your changes are lasting. Turn your anger in leading.

Use a confident tone in your voice when you talk about L and D stuff.

Take this opportunity to lead her throught he D. It may be your last choice to show her.

True, I know they will take steps back. I forget this sometimes. I think the only thing I can continue to lead with now is taking care of the house. I'll leave it with my L to handle D.

Gr8, I'll contact you later in the alt.

[pookie69]

However, she still talks about D so I'm not sure she has any second thoughts.

Agree with her.

She said something to me on Tuesday that I deserve someone better. She said she can't give me what I want right now. She said she doesn't know how she would feel in three years. I told her that it's not right for her to tell me what I want. I told her that I'm willing to give her more time but I'm not waiting three years.

Again, agree with her.

"You are right, I deserve someone who can love me. You clearly are not that person right now."

Nothing will change if you don't let her go.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

She said something to me on Tuesday that I deserve someone better. She said she can't give me what I want right now. She said she doesn't know how she would feel in three years. I told her that it's not right for her to tell me what I want. I told her that I'm willing to give her more time but I'm not waiting three years.

So she's looking out for you here. She wants you to be happy.
She can't give you what you want right now that's b/c she is confused.
As for giving you the letter, she thinks that's her best option, RIGHT NOW. You can change that, be the better option.

[mza8]

Coach is 100% right here.

My W told me during the bomb that she is feeling like trapped prisoner. That I am controlling the R and not respecting her will to leave. That she cannot win. All of the same stuff.

It wasn't until I told her that I agree with everything she says and I will let her go, the things started to change.

But the words were not enough. I had to be honest with myself and follow it up with real actions. I stopped all pursuing and walked in the shadows.

I have not moved out of the house yet and I don't know exactly where I am right now but W seems to be happy with herself and that is all good.

Pookie, yeah, sounds like you're heard the same type of things too. Mine gives me all of the reasons to D and I give her all of the reasons not to D. I did give her the "I agree with you and I'm letting go" speech a while ago. I know she probably didn't believe me. When I gave her that speech I actually meant it. When she recently starting acting nice towards me that's when I started to reach out to her again.

My W seemed like she was starting to be friendlier to me and share more with me. I guess I wanted more and I pushed. Not smart by me. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be bothered by her L's letter.

Sounds like you're on a good path. Keep it up and I hope for the best for you and your sitch.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

check your alt mail

[mza8]

Gr8, I just replied to your mail.

[pookie69]

Mine gives me all of the reasons to D and I give her all of the reasons not to D.

Stop that immediately. Agree with her.

I did give her the "I agree with you and I'm letting go" speech a while ago. I know she probably didn't believe me. When I gave her that speech I actually meant it. When she recently starting acting nice towards me that's when I started to reach out to her again.

So what worked here and what did not?

My W seemed like she was starting to be friendlier to me and share more with me. I guess I wanted more and I pushed.

How did that work for you?


It is so counterintuitive to do what all the vets here keep repeating over and over, but it WORKS.

Do it.