Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

Things do seem to be a little better and it will be interesting when H is finally out of the old place to see how he acts with you and S. He is actually starting to buy things for S and be with you more so it is all positive, but I definitely like the be cautiously optimistic because you never know what is around the next corner.

[Lucky11too]

Wow! You called it...what's around the next corner...well...as always, as soon as things start to look positive again, we have a blow up! Yesterday, H was supposed to hang out with S and I around work, but when I texted him to see how his night was, he was not working, but instead at home sitting in his pit of depression. I called him to make sure he was ok and we talked for a bit. In good news, he said he felt like going out and getting drunk and getting in fights (like he used to do to handle the depression), but he said he knew that wasn't good, so was just going to stay home and watch mindless tv. Not good that he's in his depression hole again, but good that he realized his old actions weren't good and didn't resort to them. I was a little bummed out that he didn't come see us even so. Then today happens...I had forgotten my phone, so I went home and picked it up at lunch...big mistake! H had just texted before I picked up my phone asking how my day was going. I responded but then he asked if I could get off a little early and meet up with him for dinner before his work tonight. So a couple things. 1) H was supposed to work at the old place and then go work at the new place, but then the old place called him off. 2) Last night, my neighbors asked if S and I wanted to come over for dinner, so since we didn't have any plans, I said yes. So, I told H that dinner wouldn't work b/c I couldn't get off of work early and b/c I was going to dinner at my neighbors. H started attacking ridiculous and completely went off on me. I responed somewhat saying how I shouldn't have to wait my life around him in case he "might" want to hang out with me, etc but he just kept attacking me. The things he were saying were just ridiculous...how I was now blaming him for being unfair by saying this to me and how I didn't understand b/c he works all the time and actually has a few hours to spend with me and then just kept saying (sarcastically) have fun at your neighbors. He also (as always) uses a sort of threat as in "well don't worry about what I 'might' do next week" and "you better make plans for tomorrow then too". It was all just so stupid. It is so typical of his depression attacks that you would think I would be used to it by now and could just let it roll off, but it's hard and it still stings. I stopped fighting him about it all b/c it's impossible to argue with someone who is being so unreasonable. I did go to my neighbors tonight and had a great time. I'm sorry H is in a low point again, but it's just not fair for him to continuously take it out on me. It's times like this where I wonder why I'm even fighting for us. Am I really going to have to deal with these depression swings forever? When he gets to these points, the things are always so hurtful. So, I don't know...definitely in a down point myself now... =/

[awest1217]

At least you know what to expect, I mean you have been through the highs and lows with H so you know how he acts in that case. It is good that he is starting to make better choices and not going out to get drunk or not going to fight. Those are positive points. Slowly he will learn to control his anger more or see that the anger is to help him come out of the depressive state because the anger gives him the hormones needed to be "up" so he can stop that behavior.

For your sake, I hope he at least says sorry, but good job sticking with your plans. You can't just not doing anything ever and make last minute plans with other people.

[Lucky11too]

Well it was a long weekend with long days and even longer nights! S was super sick, so that's I haven't been able to post! He's feeling better today but still congested and miserable. It just breaks your heart b/c they just feel horrible and don't really understand why. He's talking more now, so he tells me "tummy hurt" (a first) before dinner comes hurling out. Definitely not fun for him or me, but as a mom, you just have to suck it up and deal with it.

I text H to let him know S was sick. There was definitely no other niceties going back and forth - H was were straight and to the point so I responded the same. (in past times, H would be worried about S but also me as well - ie "and how are you holding up too?") He texted a couple times throughout the weekend to check in on S. So yesterday afternoon, H texts to see what time S was going down for his nap to see if he had time to see him before he went down. I really did not feel like seeing him. First of all, I looked liked crap from being up all night and secondly, I had been taking care of S all weekend and I really didn't feel like taking care of H too with him in his down mood. And really, I wanted to put down S soon b/c he was so sick and didn't want H to come and overdo it with him. So I let him know that S was going to be going down soon. He says ok and that he'll just see him at his parents tomorrow (today). Then for no reason at all, he puts this dig in "btw, I hope you throughly enjoyed your dinner on friday". What a jerk! Can you get any more sarcastic? Why even say that? I was so mad, but I didn't even give him the satisfaction of a response. He texted one last time last night checking in on S.

I'm still annoyed tho. I just don't get it. Why make such a big deal about this dinner thing?

[awest1217]

Because you aren't pining for him, and what we wants is for you to be miserable at home waiting for him all the time. I think he still has not forgiven you for leaving him and he wants you to suffer. Sorry, but it really seems like he is just trying to hurt you all the time.

[Lucky11too]

I think that's totally true. It's not fair or reasonable but it's how he thinks. I haven't heard at all from H this week. Honestly, the quietness has been kind of nice for once. S got me sick too, so I've been feeling pretty horrible the last few days, so the last thing I need is any drama from H right now. H's mom was telling me as I picked up S yesterday, that H was asking about me, like what i was wearing and stuff. Lol, I think he thinks I'm moving on and maybe starting to "dress to impress". Lol. Right now, I'm lucky just to get out of bed in the morning with this awful sickness pulling me down, but he doesn't have to know that. ;-) Like you said, I'm not pining for him and he doesn't like that one bit! (but really, does he honestly think that making digs at me will do the opposite effect and bring me back? Silly boy!) S is starting to feel better so now it's just time to get me better!

[Lucky11too]

Just kidding - spoke to soon! So H texts me last night, "so, you never told me how your dinner and wine went with your neighbors. How was it?" Sounds nice enough. I figure it's either 1)A sincere request meaning he's over his down time & wants to start communication with me again (plausible, knowing his ever changing ups and downs) or 2)Another sarcastic remark said in order to start a fight with me. Unfortunately, it was the second. Trying to be cautious, I just say that it was good, but do not ellaborate on it. Then whoa, it sets off a whole string of attacks!!! These are just so ridiculous, that I have to rewrite them for you. He sends 3 right in a row (my notes are in paranthesis):

H - "Oh good. I just wanted to make sure it was worth pissing me off. Glad you made the best of it. On that note, it turns out that we are legally separated by living apart. Its called defacto separation.(which I don't think it technically true when I had talked to my lawyer original. We are separated in some legal ways & have some protections - ie. new debt acquired is separate etc, but we are not legally separated.)

H - To top it off you couldn't even say sorry. (uhh, I'm supposed to apologize for what??? For making plans and not breaking them to hang out with you???) All you could do was blame me and say that its my fault b/c you never know when I want to hang out. Well, I never know when I'm going to be able to squeeze a few hours.

H - I'm so F*-ing angry w/ you. I was waiting down the street, trying not to piss my pants until you left. (when I went to pick up S, S was still sleeping, so I was there for about 45 mins until S woke up. So I guess H was in the area too, waiting for me to leave)

I start to think of a response (how do you respond to this is beyond me, especially when someone is so irrational and mental as H right now!), and then H calls to make sure I got his text messages. I said yes and that I am responding now, so he says ok and hangs up. This was the response I finally came up with (validate his feelings, using I statements with my feelings, but not giving in to his ridiculous thinking).

Me - I understand how upset you are. I never meant to piss u off. I was just upset too b/c I felt like u were mad at me for making plans. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way (or maybe he did), but that's how I felt and what I reacted to. I know u just wanted to spend time together & I love our time together too. If you're available tomorrow, let's talk at lunch. Right now, I need to go to sleep b/c S gave me his bug & i'm super sick!

H - Feel better. I'll pass.

Phew! I didn't really want to deal with him for lunch either, but I was attempting not to completely blow him off if he wanted to have a valid discussion.

So yes, it's annoying and frustrating, but I think I'm becoming a little numb to it all b/c I don't even feel anything right now. I think I'm just mostly annoyed that we are even still discussing something so stupid. Who cares?! I had dinner at my neighbors! I still wouldn't change my decision to do so. If he wants my life to revolve around him then he needs to make the M commitment to do so. Otherwise, my life is my life! I would like this drama to end tho, so I hope he gets over this soon!

[awest1217]

About the legal separation, you aren't legally separated. You won't have to wait the "waiting period" if there is one in CA, but that is it. Legally all debt or assets are still split even if aquired during this time, although my L told me a good L could make a good argument about splitting the debt since it has been such a long separation. With S, you could still split assets because H would owe back child support (if the L can win that).

With H, I don't know what to say. He is not at all trying to understand that you already made plans and it is just like when he makes plans with you and breaks them. You get upset, but don't let it consume you. H may be looking for a reason to D. He could be trying to push you to D. He could be trying to punish you for leaving. He could be just down. Who knows? You definitely don't and he may not even know.

What is important is that you responded in a wonderful way that is still true to you and polite to H. It defused the situation and that is all good. You just keep doing what is best for you because you are awesome!

Hope you feel better!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks! Sometimes I feel like I have to check my sanity on this board to keep my feet grounded. H is so convincing & stubborn that sometimes he makes me question myself(ie. - was I really in the wrong? Uh no!) Thanks too for the info on legal separation. That's definitely all stuff to keep in mind for me!

So the drama continues (but lesser luckily). H sent me a text last night around 10. I heard it come in but I was already in bed and asleep so I didn't respond until this morning. He said:

H - If you understood how I felt, you would have text or called me last week. And yes, I was pissed that you made plans and I had no idea about them. I felt like an a** for squeezing a few hours to see u & then u tell me that u'd rather spend time w/ your neighbors.

I just responded back explaining that I wasn't chosing them over him, but that I had already agreed to have dinner with them and that I needed to keep my commitment & asked him to understand my side too.

I'm begining to think that it's one of two things (or maybe both). 1 - He was just trying to pick a fight. He feels down so he wants someone and something to put his anger at. 2 - It's a control issue and he feels like he's losing control. I chose the neighbors over him! How could that be possible?! Who cares that he's done that to me numerous times you can probably recall on this board how many times I've said I've asked H to have dinner with us but he's turned me down b/c he's had other plans, and maybe I feel a little sad, but I let it go). He's probably also feeling a little insecure b/c he "had no idea" about my plans. I don't know, but I think that text was pretty revealing about his insecurities, but it doesn't help my sitch any with him being attacking and mean. I also think it's funny that we are fighting b/c he wanted to spend time with me, but b/c of this fight, we haven't seen each other at all in 2 weeks! Just seems a little ironic.

So it will be interesting to see how he comes back in response to my text this morning. Hopefully he'll just let it go, but I also have to brace for another attack.

[awest1217]

It definitely could be #1 because anger will release hormones that will keep him going. If he is so down, the hormones from being mad will help him to keep going.

Hope you have a better weekend than last weekend!