Anyway, the L that I retained recommended that I have my W file for D...let her do the heavy lifting. He stated that since I did not build a large financial portfolio during the M and my W did that it would be in my favor.
How do I handle this sitch? I do not want a D, but only offered to retain a L and file for a D to protect my assets. My W who wants the D and is more than happy for me to do the heavy lefting and pay the bill will be pi$$ed when I tell her that she should file. How do I tell her and appear confident and decisive?
if you are confident this is the route to take then do it. Doesn't matter what she feels.
"My plans have changed. I won't be filing the D papers now."
Don't tell her what to do, no explanation needed on your part, CYA legally and let her go.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks! I recommend shopping around for a L because each has a different spin on the sitch. Financially she could ask for alimony, but the argument there is that she had zero income as a student when I met her and graduated debt free from a private school with a large sum of $$ in the bank and a good career as a RN.
This was all accomplished while I supported her and assisted her in her school work, which I have email evidence of. I do make a substantially more than she does, but the argument is that she would not even have a career if it was not for me and that I did what I did to support her because I thought that it was supporting us as a family.
Amazingly, I think I am at a comfortable zone with regard to detaching. I do have my moments, but they are few and far between. I am spending more time with my boys from my previous M and I do okay alone as well. I am GALing took a few acting classes and working out like a mad mad at the gym. I have a vacation planned for next week with a couple of friends and we plan to enjoy NYC.
So I can confidently say that I have let my W go - I love my W, but I do not need her to make me happy or my life fulfilling - that is what I control and what I have responsibility for!
Hope you have a good holiday. You sound as though you've "let go" marvellously. wish I could do the same, but my situation is different. I too have started going to the gym, with the intention of toning up all the wobbly bits and getting rid of some of the anger and negative feelings that are eating me up.
No talk of D from my H, at least he did talk about it when he dropped the bomb, but the latest is that he "doesn't want a D, just "time and freedom". A bit like "peace, land and bread" (was that Marx or Lenin?). Sounds great, very '60s, but I suddenly feel as though I'm headed for the Siberian salt mines.
Do you have any contact with your W now? I agree with the poster who told you not to go looking at her dating profile. Whatever you discover will only hurt you and/ or make you anxious or falsely hopeful. At one stage, I believed recently that my H had signed up on some kind of dating site - when he didn't have internet, he still used our computer here, and some links I found seemed to point that way. The OW for whom all this was done is no longer an item in his life, apparently, but he did say (in August) that he wasn't planning on staying single. I feel great hurt and jealousy, but don't go trying to find out about his love-life. It would only hurt me further.And what he says I must take with a pnch of salt.
I hope that you manage to get what you want out of your future. Enjoy your break. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Yes, I think I have let go, but I need to continue because I know that I am not totally there especially when the D progresses. You are right about the dating site. I cannot see any activity and I do not want to. All I can see is if she has been on the site because it shows when she was online the last time. I stopped looking because it only is speculation anyway.
I am glad that you are going to the gym and looking out for yourself. I still recommend distancing yourself from your H and continue detaching. It was easier for me because the NC that my W is using forces me to detach. Make yourself less available to him.
Pinhead was right when he kept hitting me over the head with the concept. Detaching allows the ability to look at your sitch objectively and asked the question "is my W worthy of me?" So please continue detaching and you need to prevent your H from coming to your home anytime that he wants. There are a lot of posts about boundaries. I have not read all of the them because I am not there with my sitch, but I recommend that you do so that you can adequately set-up boundaries with your H.
Detaching is a wonderful thing. Although my W is still here in our house, I can tell you with certainty that I would not feel any different if she wasn't.
It is this refreshing feeling that - I can live without her and I will be just fine.
Then everything becomes so clear.
It's like getting your cataracts removed. (I'm not there yet though.)
