Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Here's your stock response: "To be honest, I've never been thru this before, so I'm letting my lawyer handle all of that. I trust his/her judgment to look out for my best interests."

I like that Puppy. I want to remove myself from direct negotiations with her because I know it will become emotional for both of us. That won't end well.

If you were truly letting her go, mza, you wouldn't care that she didn't seem to care.

I know. I know someone would call me on that. I think I was getting to a point of letting go but when she started acting nice recently and helping out with things it gave me hope and I stopped letting go. Stupid mistake I know.

[pinhead]

Everytime I feel like I am starting to chip away at her wall she backs way off. Makes me wonder if some of her family and friends influence her.

You can't chip away at her wall. You can only coax her out of the castle.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

It's tough for me to just give up and not fight for the M

Your focus is still on saving your M. Lose that trend of thought.

I think she only had her nice moments when she wanted something or she was going to drop another bomb on me.

How do you think she would act if she was having second thoughts?
If you think the only reason she's being nice is to get something then you won't be able to tell if she's being nice b/c she's having second thoughts.
Keep an opened mind.

I can let my L handle the D and I would still want to try with her. She asked me why I wanted her back. I said a bunch of reasons and finished with because I love her

.

This statement here shows you not ready to move on w/o her.
She knows you still waiting for her. Show(Lead) her to believe you deserve more from a R.

Everytime I feel like I am starting to chip away at her wall she backs way off. Makes me wonder if some of her family and friends influence her.

You have been here long anough to know that there will be back steps from a WAW.
So doesn't feel your changes are lasting. Turn your anger in leading.

Use a confident tone in your voice when you talk about L and D stuff.

Take this opportunity to lead her throught he D. It may be your last choice to show her.

[pookie69]

She said she won't let me control her like I did in the past. I just listened. Nothing I could say at that point would have made any difference.

You listened but do you understand? If you could only "see" then you would have agreed with her. That would make a impact.

Have you looked up Martin Seligman yet?

Coach is 100% right here.

My W told me during the bomb that she is feeling like trapped prisoner. That I am controlling the R and not respecting her will to leave. That she cannot win. All of the same stuff.

It wasn't until I told her that I agree with everything she says and I will let her go, the things started to change.

But the words were not enough. I had to be honest with myself and follow it up with real actions. I stopped all pursuing and walked in the shadows.

I have not moved out of the house yet and I don't know exactly where I am right now but W seems to be happy with herself and that is all good.

[futureunknown]

No one wants to be "chipped away at". You need to let her be the one to bring up counseling, or coffee, or anything else. Show her confidence, strength, happiness, and let her come to you.

She thinks divorce is her best option right now, in a crappy situation. Show her a better option! Continually hammering on her about counseling, and how she is wrong, is not showing her a better option. It's just making her run faster.

If you love her, give her what she wants. Let her go. It's the only avenue she's giving you to show her, so use it. Don't worry about the dating site. It's a tough tough scene out there, and while she may be curious to meet other men, she'll have her share of bad experiences with it. If you consistently show her you're better than what she's finding, she'll notice.

[mza8]

Coach, I think I understand her. I know she doesn't want me to make decisions for her. During our talk on Tuesday she told me that she felt I was controlling last year when I made all of her doctors appointments for her for her diabetes. I said that I had no idea she felt that way and I was sorry. I told her I did it to help her out since she was at work all day. Told her I was just trying to be helpful. Wow, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Seems like nothing I say or do matters to her anymore. She got emotional and said she can't win. I feel the same way. I try to agree with her. It just seems to reinforce her thinking though.

I haven't read Learned Optimism yet. I just checked my library and they have a copy that I will check out today. I did look up some of the basics about the book on the internet. I also read about his book, Learned Helplessness. Basically it describes how people become depressed when they feel they have no control over the outcome of a situation. Describes me to a "T".

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Continually hammering on her about counseling, and how she is wrong, is not showing her a better option.

third time mentioned today.

Do you now see you have been doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same result???

You are driving yourself crazy.

I told you this before:
Change your mind set and your situation will change.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Seems like nothing I say or do matters to her anymore.

Again, your mind set is so negative.

Positive thinking = Positive actions.

[Coach]

Basically it describes how people become depressed when they feel they have no control over the outcome of a situation. Describes me to a "T".

It's all over your writing. The "hopelessness" is in your words. Which comes from your thinking which drives your emotions which drives your actions.

Woman don't want their man to fix them or give a solution to their problems (even though that's how men deal with teach other). Just listen and be supportive. Her feelings are her feelings. No need to try and change them, they will change soon enough own their own.

[mza8]

Hey Future, I've been following along your sitch too. Your sitch has me scratching my head. Very confusing what's going on. I hope it works out for you.

I think I tried the counselling/coffe route because I started to see some positive signs from her. Obviously the wrong thing to do. For whatever reason things seemed to be getting better lately. Not sure if it's because she is getting closer to D or if it's something else. We have been talking on the phone almost daily. It's usually about the house but we also talk about sports or something not too serious. I think my fear is what keeps me from letting her bring up counseling or anything. I guess I fear that she won't so I need to try to bring it up. I need to stop that.

I'm not too concerned about the dating site anymore. I'm not so sure if she'll notice anything with me after last night's conversation. It did not end well. I have major damage control to do. I'm just going to contact her later and leave her a short message with the house update for today. That's all I'm going to contact her about from now on. I really screwed up last night. I should have not even mentioned the letter or that it bothered me. All I did was reinforce her bad feelings about me last night. What an idiot. I guess that's what happens when emotion takes over. It's tought sometimes to take the emotion out of every conversation.