You said do not allow him to connect with other women...how do I do that when it has already happened over the past 4 years, several times, with several women and is still on-going. Did you happen to read what I posted yesterday that he told the psych. that he cheated on me and has issues with always desiring other women to make himself feel better? Also, he is not staying at home right now, as of last Friday. I do not have control over anything he does. How do I stop him from doing what he wants to do? I can only control myself, I can't control someone else. He says he knows its wrong but does it anyway.
This is where your boundaries come in; as long as he is doing things such as this, there is NO relationship with YOU.
You cannot control what he does, but you CAN control what YOU do.
I made it very plain that I would NOT have a relationship/marriage with my husband as long as he was having the EA he was having with another woman.
Mine had had an affair while within the tunnel that went to a PA; but that was NOT repeated in this latter time.
My husband had not left home, but I turned my back on him after setting this boundary; I KNEW he knew what he was doing was wrong; taking energy out of the marriage and putting it somewhere else.
In the interim, I went completely COLD on him; not contacting him, forcing him to pursue me, wouldn't answer the phone; wouldn't talk to him.
He and I are both truck drivers....the no contact was necessary, as I was NOT going to sacrifice my self respect, he was NOT going to walk on me like that.
It scared him, my actions told him he would lose me if he didn't do something.
It confused me at the time, but I laid down boundaries very firmly; and he got very upset with me about it...yet, I knew it had gotten to a point it didn't matter to me. He was either going to straighten up or leave, however it went.
He ended up straightening out, because he honestly did not want to lose me....I made it clear that this would be up to him.
He cut all contact; and even switched SIM cards with me, so I had his cell number, and he had mine.
She didn't try too many times before she stopped calling.
I didn't have to deal with another.
Your husband is clearly NOT ready to come home, and I wouldn't ask him to. He has many things to work through at the moment.
If you ask him to come home and he does; he might cut and run again, if he cannot accept your boundaries.
He might do that, anyway; but that would NOT be your problem, it would be HIS.
But the line clearly needs to be drawn; boundaries are not for him, but for YOU.
You have to decide what's best for YOU; because this decision is clearly up to you.
He says he knows it's wrong,but does it anyway; that should tell you he's AWARE of what he is doing; and your boundary should be laid clearly.
This is a cycle and he's cycling back and forth throughout.
Quote:
This morning I get a text from him asking me how I am. I said ok - how r u? He said "Horrible. F-ed up mentally in the my head and shoulder/neck are killing me" I said "what's going on in your head? Did something happen?" He said "I just don't know what I want or what I should do" and I replied "As far as what?" and he said "everything" - I said "sorry you feel the way you do" and he said "Me too" - then a little time went by and I know this was probably wrong but I texted "I guess you're finding life without me is making you happier?" and he just texted me now "Not that at all"
No, what you said was NOT wrong; you were testing the waters to see where he stands.
He's definitely got some serious problems, but he's still coming back to you. He wants you, but seems to be seriously messed up in the head.
I believe someone mentioned possible sexual addiction; and that's also possible.
Someone also mentioned he may not have left the Replay stage; and that is also entirely possible.
I realize this is very confusing; but I'm advising you to lay boundaries that should have been laid long ago.
The last time I checked, marriage was for TWO people, not three or four or five.
He still wants you, that much is evident; but you cannot possibly be expected to accept what's happening with him.
Keep us posted on how it goes with the psychologist.
Give it time; time is what you have...you will know if the ties will need to be cut permanently, there are people that cannot be helped no matter what you do.
Food for thought; in some cases you can only go so far before you have to admit to yourself that you've done all you can do, and cannot do any more.
Since your husband is admitting his issues, there's a good chance that he will come through and heal.
In the meantime, you'll need to wait and watch, and see what happens.
Keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
