Why would YOU expect alimony from HER? I'm sorry, not familiar with your family/financial sitch, mza. Does she make significantly more than you? Did you postpone your own career to support hers in some way?
I didn't say that I would expect alimony from her. She is worried about that though. I've never once even mentioned it to her so I'm not sure where she came up with that idea. When she mentioned it again on Tuesday I told her that it was sad that she thought about all kinds of bad scenarios. I told her she shouldn't mind read things because she doesn't know what she's talking about.
When my company went out of business she went back to work for those two years. So during those two years, yes, she made more than me.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
She’s so damn stubborn that she won’t even see any other view except her own.
Your whole post was about how wrong your W is. You keep beating a dead horse. Keep doing the same things and expect a different result.
Quote:
I try to tell her to look at things from my perspective and she won’t.
Who's the stubborn one? Can't you see how clingy, needy, and unattractive this is? How many people here have tried to get you to see things from our third party perspective? Your fear has held you back from letting go and it has cost you dearly. Do your work.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I didn't say that I would expect alimony from her. She is worried about that though. I've never once even mentioned it to her so I'm not sure where she came up with that idea. When she mentioned it again on Tuesday I told her that it was sad that she thought about all kinds of bad scenarios. I told her she shouldn't mind read things because she doesn't know what she's talking about.
It's not your job to make her feel better about her legal/financial anxieties, nor to educate her about same.
Here's your stock response: "To be honest, I've never been thru this before, so I'm letting my lawyer handle all of that. I trust his/her judgment to look out for my best interests."
Who's the stubborn one? Can't you see how clingy, needy, and unattractive this is? How many people here have tried to get you to see things from our third party perspective? Your fear has held you back from letting go and it has cost you dearly. Do your work.
mza8, i totally agree w/ coach here.
In your post you sound so angry b/c she wouldn't see things your way.
My W saw how happy I was. She didn't expect me to do this well w/o her. Although I made plenty of mistakes, she has noticed my changes. Your W told you that too but as soon has she did some thing that wasn't the right thing in your mind, you got angry. You scared her away.
You never made her feel like she was losing YOU.
You're not getting it. You still feel pressure to work on M.
I think if you get D, then you will begin to feel better about yourself. That's when you will be doing the right things for you.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Coach, honest to goodness, I have tried so hard to do the work. I do see her side, I truly do. I don't agree with it because she wants a D but I understand her reasons. Her reasons are not so different from many other marriages that have trouble. I know I've said it a million times but I don't think they are reasons to D.
In our conversation this past Tuesday she told me again that she doesn't trust me and she's angry with me for the financial mess. She said that the house situation is my fault and that I should take care of it and sort of said that's why she doesn't feel she needs to help so much. She wants me to handle it. Ok, I heard her loud and clear so I'm taking care of it. Right now our house is close to foreclosure. I am working my tail off to prevent this. We also have a buyer who might make an offer early next week which is cutting it very close with the foreclosure. I am working with the court, my bank, the bank's attorneys, etc. to stop this foreclosure. I cannot tell you how stressful this time is right now. I know she's stressed too. I know she's angry. Because of all of this I got angry yesterday when I received her lawyer's letter.
Right now, when things are so incredibly stressful, my W has her L send this letter now. Unbelievable. I'll be honest, it hurt. It hurt because I'm trying so hard to fix this house mess and she goes and does this, now. I asked her how she can possibly think clearly about us when we have all this stress right now with the house. I think if we could sell this house and have that stress gone then she could let go of some of the anger. Right now it's all coming down at the same time. Not good.
In addition to her telling me she doesn't trust me and she's angry she also told me that I hurt her and she won't let me hurt her again. I thought that was very significant for her to say. I felt like that was progress that she shared some true feelings. Hurt, anger and trust are the reasons she doesn't want to try. These reasons can be worked on but she keeps saying it's too late. Last night I asked her what she's afraid of by going to counseling. She said she's not afraid of anything anymore. She said she won't let me control her like I did in the past. I just listened. Nothing I could say at that point would have made any difference.
I honestly felt like I was letting her go for the past month but she didn't seem to care. On Tuesday she told me that during the two years after the company closed she wanted me to "man-up" and take care of things. I told her that I'm manning up now. I told her that even after I discovered that she was on the dating website that I still am taking care of the house responsibilities and sale. I said it would have been very easy to say that we needed a new agent for the house but I decided to do the right thing and continue with the house. Today I'm still making calls to save our home from foreclousre even after that damn letter and our ugly conversation last night. I'm not even sure how to go about contacting her now with the updates about the house/foreclosure. What a mess.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Last night I asked her what she's afraid of by going to counseling
Please let this be this LAST time you bring up counseling.
From your post in the other forum you seemed to have a good talk with her the other day.
See may still, deep down, have feeling for you but they or being contrued b/c you keep making the same mistakes.
She did give you some feelings when she was crying. That was your opportunity to show her you are strong now.
Even though see was crying you could have comforted her by saying that everything will be just fine.
Try to be more recptive to cues like that.
Not to get you hopes up but I see she's not 100% sure of her decision.
What you need to do now is accept the D meetings and show confidence that you will be OK w/o her.
If you read my sitch, it wasn't until after we sat down to divide our assets that my W said she wanted to talk to me.
Show her happiness, and confidence.
Not anger and frustration. Be strong. Contact me on the alt later today.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Gr8, I don't know anymore. Maybe a D is the only way for me to move on. It's tough for me to just give up and not fight for the M.
Honestly, I never once felt that W cared if she was losing me. She has always been so cold about the M the past 10 months. I think she only had her nice moments when she wanted something or she was going to drop another bomb on me.
I mentioned on my other thread how W cried in our Tuesday conversation that she feels like she just can't win. I told her it's not a matter of winning or losing. I'm not looking to win anything. She asked me how I could ask her to go to counseling to reconcile or out for coffee if I was going to be difficult during the D. I simply said that I want to separate the two. I can let my L handle the D and I would still want to try with her. She asked me why I wanted her back. I said a bunch of reasons and finished with because I love her.
Everytime I feel like I am starting to chip away at her wall she backs way off. Makes me wonder if some of her family and friends influence her.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
She said she won't let me control her like I did in the past. I just listened. Nothing I could say at that point would have made any difference.
You listened but do you understand? If you could only "see" then you would have agreed with her. That would make a impact.
Have you looked up Martin Seligman yet?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
