Thanks - it is good advice. Just don't seem to be able to get through to my W. If I tell her she is showing a lack of respect she just tells me how much she has done to support and encourage me and claims that I just drag her down and don't emotionally support her. It seems impossible for us to have a constructive conversation on where we go from here as it always descends into point scoring and blame shifting.
OK, let's get specific, vj. When she does this, stop her immediately, even going so far as to put your hand up in the "Stop" position, and saying "I hear you. I'm willing to own my own half of our marital problems, and discuss, and work on, any and all of them, but I'm NOT going to have this conversation so long as you're having an affair. End your contact with this man and come back to our family, and you will find me ready and willing to address all of these issues, including my own."
or
"I understand that you feel ____________ . And as I've told you, I'm working on my issues. Whether it ends up improving THIS marriage, or helps me in another relationship down the road, these are things I've decided that I needed to do for ME, to make me a better person. But I'm not willing to discuss our marriage so long as one of us has unilaterally decided to invite a third person into it. End your affair, and we'll talk."
PERIOD.
You will need to do this four, five, six maybe even a dozen times. You need to become an annoying "broken record" in this regard. Once she sees that you're firm about it, she'll stop testing you.
