Well another bad night. I have been working interstate for the last 3 months - flying home on weekends. I didn't want to be away from home so long but was told that I was the only one who had the experience to lead the team and if we turned down the job we would have to lay three people off. I called up last night to say goodnight to the kids.
Stupidly I send my wife an email about 3/4 weeks ago setting out some of my thoughts on our relationship based on some individual counselling I have been having and some books I have been reading. It was meant to be constructive and set out ways I thought we both needed to work at our relationship.
My wife sent a reply where basically any area that i admitted that I may need to work on (being emotionally supportive etc) she agreed with but any areas that I argued she needed to change (her anger issues, ending the EA) she either ignored or argued it was my fault (jealousy and insecurity).
Last night she wanted to discuss her response. I told her I did not want to - I had plans and would be better to discuss face-to-face. But she insisted so I told her I thought it showed a lack of willingness to accept any personal responsibility for our relationship, it showed her intention to continue to breach boundaries by continuing the EA and showed a lack of respect for me.
She then brought up an incident last year where I bumped into an ex girlfriend at a work function. I said hello to this person and they pretended to not know who i was which is fine - we had a relatively messy breakup (16 years ago). The way my Ws argument goes is that if this person had not brushed me off we might have had a pleasant chat, we might have arranged to meet up for coffee, we might have remained in contact etc. So basically trying to justify her EA on the basis of a situation that did not happen. I pointed out how stupid her argument was and she called me a F---wit and hung up.
She then sent me a text saying that I was making her miserable and that if she was making me feel the same way that perhaps we should separate.
So I sent a reply saying that if she felt that way I would help her pack her bags.
She then sent a reply saying "You are so nasty to me when all I have done is support and encourage you".
Since then, no further contact. I am going to a play tonight then flying home tomorrow so we will see what another weekend brings.
And thanks g450 - it is helpful to know that I am not the only one. And I agree, I just don't get it either.
believe a man needs to call his W out whenever she talks down to him or treats him anyway that shows disrespect. It has to be constant, b/c she's actually gotten into a bad habit of this behavior of disrespect. Do not reward her for bad behavior. Rewards come in many different ways, so think about that.
GREAT ADVICE!
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks - it is good advice. Just don't seem to be able to get through to my W. If I tell her she is showing a lack of respect she just tells me how much she has done to support and encourage me and claims that I just drag her down and don't emotionally support her. It seems impossible for us to have a constructive conversation on where we go from here as it always descends into point scoring and blame shifting.
I know I am not perfect - we all have faults. There have been timew when I have been distracted by the pressure of work. But I feel like I have always tried to be loving and supportive even if I may have fallen short at times.
But it seems to me that my wife has not been happy since we started a family 6 years ago. She has just been filled with so much negativity and seems to think that I could somehow wave a magic wand and make everything better.
VJ, you can enforce boundaries. If she talks down to you etc, simply end the conversation. Lead. If you're not ready to talk about something, don't talk about it. And don't bring up the R. If she does, listen and validate what she says.
When you set a boundary, (like the EA), be prepared to follow through. Otherwise it's a hollow threat.
Thanks - it is good advice. Just don't seem to be able to get through to my W.
And you're not GOING to be able to -- not for quite awhile yet. Not while she's carrying on an emotional affair.
YOU are going to have to be the one to lead your family, and to establish -- and ENFORCE -- your boundaries. It's now been ... how long? ... since you communicated a "I will not live in an open marriage/tolerate continued communication with this OM." And she's basically pissed on your boundary.
What have you done about it? What do you INTEND to do about it?
Every day that you allow this most major, over-arching boundary to be violated, unenforced, your wife loses more respect (therefore attraction, therefore LOVE) for you.
Thanks - it is good advice. Just don't seem to be able to get through to my W. If I tell her she is showing a lack of respect she just tells me how much she has done to support and encourage me and claims that I just drag her down and don't emotionally support her. It seems impossible for us to have a constructive conversation on where we go from here as it always descends into point scoring and blame shifting.
OK, let's get specific, vj. When she does this, stop her immediately, even going so far as to put your hand up in the "Stop" position, and saying "I hear you. I'm willing to own my own half of our marital problems, and discuss, and work on, any and all of them, but I'm NOT going to have this conversation so long as you're having an affair. End your contact with this man and come back to our family, and you will find me ready and willing to address all of these issues, including my own."
or
"I understand that you feel ____________ . And as I've told you, I'm working on my issues. Whether it ends up improving THIS marriage, or helps me in another relationship down the road, these are things I've decided that I needed to do for ME, to make me a better person. But I'm not willing to discuss our marriage so long as one of us has unilaterally decided to invite a third person into it. End your affair, and we'll talk."
PERIOD.
You will need to do this four, five, six maybe even a dozen times. You need to become an annoying "broken record" in this regard. Once she sees that you're firm about it, she'll stop testing you.
Well, I have been trying to do a 180%. Stopped pursuing, gave my ife more space, been concentrating on getting myself happy, going out more etc.
Had my 10th wedding anniversary last week. On the same day got an email from the wife of the other guy on facebook saying that I should know she had intercepted a text message from my ife to her husband saying "every touch is magic. I love you and need you".
I confronted my wife who admitted that they had been meeting up for coffee and that once it had gone further - they went to a nearby park and kissed and fondled and he put a hand down her pants and they engaged in oral sex and she had one of those orgasms that she doesn't seem to be able to have with me.
I was numb. Didn't know what to do.
The next night I came home and she was acting erratically. She went off to the bedroom (to text him). All of a sudden she calls out for help. I go to the bedroom and she is vomitting uncontrollable and is on the floor and cannot stand up.
I call an ambulance and take her to the hospital. It turns out that she has been taking a medication for anxiety which she may have had a reaction to after a few glasses of wine.
She got released from hospital a day later and then had a counselling session with a counsellor she had been seeing who told her she should not be on the medication and that we should not make any big decisions until she is off the medication.
So I find myself ending up being a nursemaid to the woman who has cheated on me. In the meantime I found her diary. All the time I was giving her space she has been meeting this guy for dates (movies, art gallery etc) behind my back. She has had sex with him once in a park as well as engaging in oral sex with him in my car.
She has told me she still wants to work on our marriage but refuses to commit to breaking off contact with the other guy. Saids that she did that for 7 months earlier this year to work on us and it did no good (although I had no idea that they were not in contact). Claims that she thought I was having an affair while away interstate and that somehow justifies her actions.
So I am ata loss to know what to do next. Been reading DB but don't know what to do next in my current circumstances as every move I have made has seemed to have backfired.
Is there any of her family who can take care of her? What would she do if you were not there? Maybe OM would like to take care of her.
When a WAW in an A is as rebellious as yours is being, you've got to take tough messures. Are you familiar with the term Dropping the Rope? I believe you've got to drop her if your M ever stands a chance. If she believes you don't want her and are happy without her, that may get her attention. But, here's the problem.....she is deeply addicted to having an A and I don't think she is going to cut that off easily. She will need to want you very badly and have to work her butt off to get you.
No more being passive! Take steps to protect yourself financially and get your kids. Pack her bags and send her on her way. You keep the home and let her support herself, pay for her own car, insurance, room & board,etc.
If that don't take the fun out of cheating, nothing will.
If you don't want to do that b/c she's sick, why not give her a couple weeks notice....maybe she'll put pressure on OM and then see for herself if he tries to backpeddle. Let her see if "he" is willing to support her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is there any of her family who can take care of her? What would she do if you were not there? Maybe OM would like to take care of her.
When a WAW in an A is as rebellious as yours is being, you've got to take tough messures.
Sandi, that seems very different from the advice I'm reading today from sgctox. I thought we were supposed to give them space, do our 180s, and not do the "man-up" thing?
These forums are all over the board on this issue. I'm not dealing with infidelity (I don't think), but I'm still confused about when we're supposed to take a tough stand, and when we're supposed to try and be their friend.
