After being seperated for 8 months... H is committed to making us work...
I have been through the most heart-wrenching, emotionally crushing rollercoaster ride of my life... truth is, when I first came to DB.com, i wasnt sure what to expect... but i found fabulous friends along the way, support from peers that fully understand the pain i felt when H dropped the bomb on me... and now, 8 months later, i can breathe again... not because H is saying and doing all the things I wished for... i started to breathe on my own months before that... when I found stregnth to live my life... and learned to pick up the peices and take care of myself and live life for myself. I also have to give all the credit in the world to my angel baby... my son! I found my stregnth in the eyes of my boy... the moment he was born and they placed him in my arms, I started to live again...
Tomorrow night I am going on a "date" with H. WOW! I can't believe I am writing this! hahahahahahahahaha H asked me on a date!
To quickly recap: M 31 H 32 S 10 weeks old Together 12 years/Married 5 ILYBINILWY Jan 1, 2010 H filed for D March 1, 2010 (this was the turning point in our relationship-strange, but true) H wants to R and go to MC September 2010
Today... taking baby steps... DATING MY H... learning to fall in love with each other all over again...
Am I scared... sort of... Am I angry... sometimes... Can I forgive... Sure... Can I forget... will try... What I do know is that I know we have what it takes... I felt this way all along... found out now that H felt this months ago... just tried to fight the feelings... Do I love him... YES... Am I in Love with him... Absolutely... Will things ever be the same... No... They will be Better than before! Am I ready for the hard work... and MC and the long road of R... Bring it on!!!
So now I think... how lucky am I... to fall in love with my H... all over again!
YAY! You are in piecing! And what is also funny is that for the first 1/2 (or 2/3) of your separation, when DBing said to not pressure your H about the status of your relationship, you did it anyway. When DBing said to not tell him what a jerk he was being you laid it all out for him. When DBing said to not pursue him, you did it (you were pregnant, though!)
But I remember that in the last 1/3, you started to "float" more, and subside on the stuff I mentioned. I am only recapping because all along, Babydoll, you were true to yourself and you trusted your instincts. I think you should share that with us a little bit! Why did you go against DBing? Was it because you were pregnant? What do you think helped to get your H to pursue you again?
I am very happy and hopeful for you!!!!!!!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Wow! I agree - I'm very happy for you! (Congrats too on the birth of you son!) I'd also love to hear more on what newmama had asked... What do you think helped to get your H to pursue you again?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
BD, nice to visit you in your new home! I like Newmama's recap. You really didn't apply DB tactics, but you held onto your faith that you would prevail in the end, and were 100% YOU the whole way.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Hi everyone... Let me start by saying that MWD talks in her books about tailoring DBing techniques to accommodate your own sitch and lifestyle... Except, I didn't remember reading this until I was served with D papers and desperately reread her book in search of hope!
When H left, he said it was just for a few days... To think things through and went to his parents house. I cried and cried but didn't put up a fight. How do you fight someone on a feeling they have or don't have? I will always regret opening my big mouth and saying to H if you're not happy then what are you doing here? Stupid girl. Stupid girl. Stupid girl! Wish I had read DB/DR because I wouldve been able to make changes while H was living at home. When I realized he wasn't planning to come back I grew sick and angry. I then became a monster... I found MWD from my IC and started reading in february... Yep, I did everything she said not to do... Cry, plead, beg, say ILY, bring up happy memories... All of it. I swore she was a fly on my wall and wrote the books based on my actions... And so I started DBing. H was simply numb, no expression, no fighting back, in fact he would just say I know I loved you so much, where did it go... Or I heard our song on the radio and started crying... or my personal favorite, I watched our wedding video, where did that love go b/c I know I was so in love with you. Ummmm... I tried to make him see things the way I wanted to but it wasn't working. In fact it was making him angrier. And H now says he wasn't strong enough to fix it then. He hinself felt too upset by everything, just that he felt no pressure and "safe" staying at his parents. (Whatever!). We started arguing and yelling and every conversation ended with me crying hysterically and him sobbing then turning angry. Nothing I did worked! And then I tried NC. I think I only did about 2 1/2 weeks... Hated every day. I felt it was making more distance between us. I also drew boundaries, and told H to separate his banking account, pack his clothes, I changes the alarm code to the house, and NC kicked in. I had nothing to lose and everyone said it worked... And I'm sure it did/does... H served me with D papers after 2 1/2 weeks
I thought I died. I called him the second I received them. His response, you won't speak to me, you are already ending everyhting else, you're ignoring me and also keep telling me its all or nothing. You keep giving me ultimatums of MC or divorce. And so he took D. Ok... I forgot mention, in anger I told H I was filing for D. I actually sent him a tect message on where to go and how to file. Stupid. Really stupid. But I wanted him to fight me back on it. I wanted him to scream NO THATS NOT WHAT I WANT! I'm learning now it doesn't work that way. I need to start saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. I constantly brought up D,.. Did you go yet? Did you file? Go now before the baby is born, if you don't, I will, I will never take you back anyway. well NC blew up in my face. After the papers I tried NC again. And I think I got less than 10 days and H started stopping by. And while DBing would have kicked him out, I found this as the perfect opportunity to show him my better side... Showed him my 180 or how I GAL... I also felt like I was becoming a monster. I wasn't staying true to myself. I was angry yes, but I was still human. I hated him but still loved him. I always felt like H was emotionally weakened and destraught since he left and tried so hard to make sense of it. I felt like all my DB techniques were blowing up in my face. I then refused to sign the D papers... Told H I didn't believe in D and didn't want it. His response... You told me you wanted a D and told me where to go... You said its either we worked on our M or got D. And I came across someone's thread and how she felt her H was in MLC and how she handled it. So I started reading more on MLC and how to treat the WAS in these situations and applied it to my life. I also starting thinking, what would love do... Why did my h fall in love with me years ago... Because of my heart and my compassion. So why stop being me just because I'm supposed to be an angry B since I'm pregnant and my H left me. I did go through the anger phase, it was intense, just very short lived. I didn't like who I was becoming. It didn't feel right. H started coming around more and calling more and texting. I decided create a welcoming and comfortable home where H would feel welcome back into. This was the technique that worked wonders for me. MWD knows her stuff! I drew my H back to me but bending the rules. While DB coaches told fellow DBers not to allow H to go to the ultrasound or to make decisions for baby, I felt like it wasn't true to my life and who I was. I allowed him to take part but only for the baby's sake and ended things there. Little by little I noticed H wanted me around more... Invited me to his graduation, would show up on easter and mothers day with a card a presents from the baby. At this point I figured worse case scenario is that we are always going going to be in each other's lives because of our son. No point in being hostile. H also showed a lot of confusion... In may, I signed the D papers and he refused to take them, H Wanted to go to MC then changed his mmind... We went to birth classes together, he started coming to doctor appointments... And by june he was at the house every day helping me with errands, painting the babys room, taking me to select baby furniture... Stayed over for several weeks after the baby was born. Even then I noticed H was more affectionate always wanted to be around, but of course I thought it was for the baby. Day before I went into labor, I tossed all books on D and MC and so on. I threw out my journals and anything related to D. I no longer wanted to fight for my M. I wanted to be a mommy... Nothing else. And so I became one... Awesome feeling, by the way. And this was my true 180, my GAL at best. I was too busy for H. Too in love with my son and truly happy!!! I did have days when I was upset but one look at the baby and I was ok. H started to show signs of wanting a future with me... And eventually mentioned that just when he started to feel strongly that he wanted back, he felt like I didn't. He now says he knew filing for d was incredibly stupid and wrong. I said what would have happened if I did sign them? He said we'd get married again... Hahaha
He remember everything I said to him and wrote him about fixing our M. Yes, I would quote MWD and send it to him. I wanted him to see his feelings were normal and we could get through it. At the time he swore NO and now he remembers it all.
Ok... Enough for today. Mommy duty calls... H will be over soon to start our day!
Oh... Date night was GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what is inspiring about your story is that you mention all the ways that you feel you messed up and made mistakes, YET you changed gears and came out with a successful start. So I hope it can help others to not feel like it is over because they "messed up" and broke the DB rules, etc.
And there wasn't an OW...how refreshing around these parts! Keep reporting-- just as there were so many bumps in your journey to piecing, don't be discouraged if you encounter bumps in your current journey! Re-read your last post.xoxoxox! Well done.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
About the bumps... Yeah... To be expected... But I will try to keep my chin up and move forward. Tomorrow is H's neices baptism, and his entire extended will be there. Should be interesting... Not sure what other may think when they see me, H and baby together. Frankly don't care... But still curious.
Also, want to add that there are times when I say to H maybe we should just forget us, etc and he argues back that he's never leaving, and we are going to make us work. No matter what. Funny to see him believing in us again... And picking me up when I'm scared or down.
Can you be really detailed as far as interactions with WH-- are they completely like the past? Are they slightly different? Does he talk about what has happened more than you mentioned (you'd get remarried!)? Are you starting therapy soon?
