Here's Jody's idea via GAG. What do you think? Change as you see fit.
"I wanted to follow up with you about Tuesday. I’ve been thinking about what happened with you postponing our dinner to go to dinner with ow and your family. It made me realize that I’m not sure either one of us is in an emotional place to have a friendship right now.
Why don’t we take a step back for now? Perhaps in a while we will be in a place where your life is more sorted and I’m less vulnerable. Making plans and then breaking them so you can be with ow isn’t something I can roll with right now.
I will continue to be available to work together on anything to do with the kids Take care. Cas"
I think it sounds very intelligent and sincere. You are asking, not making, but asking him to look at what he did in a different light than he has before. You are re stating your boundry.
I know it is not what you WANT, but maybe it will make him think more honestly about what he really wants.
Thanks again Punkin. To you and all the other posters; thank you. I am so grateful to you all for your valuable insights. Your wisdom has been a real blessing for me and given me cause for lots of reflection. I haven't reached any firm decisions at this stage.........
Firstly, H and I have only had reconnection of any value in the last 3 months. It has been a huge progression and the best relationship we have had in 3 years. I've experienced a million touch and goes over 3 years and this is the only time that he has been calm and rational and almost like his past self. Much earlier I said on this thread that it was cake eating and that I recognised this but I was prepared to take this risk for a while, at least until we had established some connection. On a purely practical level H's support for me in the house and with D have also been helpful. His growing interest and care in our children, his family and mine is also positive. Tonight he initiated a skype to check how my dad was after minor surgery.
My issue was that I got caught on expectations and I expected a certain level of behaviour and I felt hurt and let down by his failure to reach this level. It's basic respect stuff but he's only re-learning this stuff- basic respect 101. I'm miles ahead of him. This incident prompted negativity in me and fuelled by the advice of a friend I started to feel duped. I started to see myself in this same place 5 years on with ow hovering in the background. I started feeling sorry for myself. Understandable but pathetic.
I've had time to think........I don't want to be feeling sorry for myself. I can draw a line in the sand. I can pull the pin on this at anytime I feel like it. I have the power to walk away whenever I want to. When I started to think like this I felt more empowered. H knows ow causes me pain. I've told him. I don't think H is trying to hurt me. He has been through several stages with ow and I know she is still around and involved but to a much lesser degree than before. His relationship with her cannot be too wonderful if he's spending all this time with me. I don't know why he invited her to the family dinner. Perhaps it was just that he wanted to be with her but perhaps he needed her for company with his B and SIL. Perhaps she was the sign to them that he had made the right decision in leaving me. Perhaps, perhaps....who cares, really. This is something I don't like but I can't control.
I haven't decided what to say or do at this time. What I do know is that reacting like I did was not helpful.
I am pulling back for now and I will let him initiate further contact until I am confident that setting a boundary is right for this situation. I should also be much more direct in future so that I know exactly where I stand. If he tries to postpone I will ask why and if it is for ow I will cancel but not postpone.
If I feel fed up I know I can say stop at anytime and I will use GAG's words from Jody. I do plan on calling db coach Joanne again to hear her perspective. Initially, she told me to forget about ow and to move on doing whatever I could to bring H closer. That advice may be different now.
Today I confided some of this stuff to my mother and to my surprise she said, "I have been thinking about H quite a bit lately. While I am not happy with what's happened, life's too short and if I saw him now I would speak with him." She told me that I was strong enough to help him and that I was in charge. She was right. I am strong. I'm in charge. With or without H I will survive.
So... for now I need to sit back and wait and reflect. Something will happen in the next weeks that will tell me what direction I need to take. In the meantime I need to GAL like I was when H and I were not communicating. I need not be as available to him and use this time to show him I am a wonderful person.
Lance is a smart one and so are you. I posted a link on my thread this evening to a discussion on missherlove's thread about LBS cycling. It was just what I needed to read this evening.....and may be helpful for you too. Check it out.
GAG, thanks so much for the link to the discussion on LBS cycling. I loved this from Eric, via his friend
"You can be done today, or not be done today, AND you can change YOUR mind tomorrow. Tomorrow MIGHT be different than today. The future is NOT set in stone (that we can see), if it was, none of us would have been in DB."
It about sums it up for me as I feel today. I am making a list of my GAL activities and I'm getting ready to reinvent the new me starting next week.......stay tuned!!
In the meantime, H offered to pick up D again last night and he enquired about my Dad. I politely responded to both but I did not reinitiate further conversation. He wants to meet up with my visiting family next week so I spoke to my SIL today when she phoned and she's quite happy to have him visit. I will pass that on and he can choose how he meets up with them.
I've re-read HB's stages yet again and while I see H is in replay cos he has ow I can certainly see lots of aspects of the other stages as well. He has made huge progress in the past three months. This week was a backwards step but he has followed it up with forward steps. There will come a time where he will make a choice or I will make a choice. It's a risk he takes, too. Given his limited contact with ow, I think I can safely say she is not 'the one'. He faces the risk that I find someone else and he's left all alone. But as I said, today I am trying to treat him with care and respect, just as I wish to be treated. That part won't change tomorrow or the next. This bit is about being a person of integrity.
Off to get D from her day with friends and then I'm going to look for new curtains for my bedroom and buy a yummy ice-cream. Time to take action on my to do list!
You sound like you are definitely coming from a good place. Both mentally and physically. While H is in replay, my life is sooooo much calmer without any communication. I think you may find that as well.
Hi again Punkin..... For a very long time living without H was much calmer and more peaceful than having him present. However, in the past three months, to be honest aside from the anguish I felt over the ow dinner episode everything else between us has been pretty good and there has been no conflict or tension or walking on egg shells as in the past. It is for this reason that I see H is in multiple stages; not just replay. We have both acknowledged that we have been enjoying our interactions with each other...friendly, sometimes humorous, caring and sometimes sensitive but always respectful.
The other night he said that I should relax and focus on building our friendship, not on what I saw was an issue. At the time, I felt he was just trying to take the pressure off himself in saying that. However, if I think about it more carefully I know he has used that phrase of relax with me on many occasions of late.
Tonight H was home again cos he was on skype but neither of us made contact. He is working all weekend and he has made arrangements to take D out Mon as she is on holidays.
A friend rang tonight who has been away for weeks and asked how our financial settlement/divorce was going. She was surprised when I said nothing had happened. I told her it was H's responsibility to take action and I wasn't going to take this responsibility away from him. Friend commented that H doesn't want to take this final step. It was an interesting comment because all the way through H has been the one to accuse me of stalling. My reduced interaction with him may prompt his action. I'm ready!
I think it may be an interesting time ahead.
Ooh and btw, I had a yummy, rich chocolate gelati...worth all those calories!!
