Wife states she is not in love with me anymore!

[HopelessInLove]

I have never asked for her approval. Yes, I do want to do things just to do it. But I do understand how I am coming across as spineless.

[MrBond]

So what can you do to change that? Find out how to get that groove back and see what happens.

[HopelessInLove]

when you say assertive, I have a tendency to become aggressive and sometimes athoritative when I talk to her. I know it is wrong but after years of being passive and not getting anywhere with her. I started to adopt how her father treated her, because she seemed to always try to please her father. Now, I am trying and know I need to get away from that. Any suggestions on finding that middle without sound to weak?

[HopelessInLove]

I have read the N.U.T.s book and that is great information, but it is finding that thought process.

Anyway, I think that spending time together would be helpful to the situation. I am telling her that I want to spend time with her. Something I was having trouble telling her before. My DB coach tells me that that is what I should be doing for my 180. What I want to know is the best way to phrase the question? And how do I handle the possible negative response from her, without retreating, and saying ok that is fine maybe another night. I don't want the spineless retreat, but I want to be both positive and ready. (I know I should be thinking positively that she will want to, but I want to be ready for either situation.)

[MrBond]

"Any suggestions on finding that middle without sound to weak?"

Have you thought of going to C about this? Stand by your beliefs and actions without being an a$$hole. Understand that it is what you want and that you cannot force your W to do the same. Control only what you can and don't get upset when your W doesn't go along to what you want.

Watch your tone when you talk to her. Discuss. Don't lecture. And most importantly - LISTEN. When she says something, don't dismiss it or argue with her about it. Even if you think it's total dreck, it's what she believes. Respect that.

Treat her how you would like to be treated. It's as simple as that.

[pookie69]

I have read the N.U.T.s book and that is great information, but it is finding that thought process.

Anyway, I think that spending time together would be helpful to the situation. I am telling her that I want to spend time with her. Something I was having trouble telling her before. My DB coach tells me that that is what I should be doing for my 180. What I want to know is the best way to phrase the question? And how do I handle the possible negative response from her, without retreating, and saying ok that is fine maybe another night. I don't want the spineless retreat, but I want to be both positive and ready. (I know I should be thinking positively that she will want to, but I want to be ready for either situation.)

Don't waste your time asking or talking about it. Do it. Actions are louder.

Make a plan, arrange it. Whatever it may be - movies, theater, concert.

Get the tickets, make a reservation, etc.

Then present your plan to her. "W, I decided we could go _____ and do______. I made arrangements and I would like you to join me."

What's the worst thing that can happen? She will decline.

You say, "I am sorry you cannot make it. Maybe next time."

And then you GO and DO whatever you had arranged alone or ask a friend to join you.

Lead.

[HopelessInLove]

Well, pookie69, tried that on the weekend, and we did watch a movie together. Everything went fairly well, no lashing out from her the next day.
I did try to setup some boundries earlier that evening about with doing household chores that involve children. I talked only about the chores and she started in on The R. I tried only to listen. She became upset that "We" were talking of the R.
Then on Sunday, I was discussing the kids, and how I wanted to see them more and have them stay where I was living. She took the conversation into our R. She said she cared for me and loved me, but has had no change in the feelings of being "in love". She then said she has wanted thpse feeling to change, but they have not. Trust is a big issue with her toward me. She is not trusting of my change and does not know how much longer she can go on like this. I asked her if she were to start trusting me what would it look like?
This morning I showed up to the house to get my kids and take them to the sitter. She asked me to get my D lunch ready very nicely and did not get upset with me as I cleaned up the kitchen. (This was another boundary, she assumes I want something from her, and I told her that I am a nice guy and was doing it for that reason. The truth!!)
She even initiated conversation about my day. Something she has not done in a while.

I think this is a good thing and I am feeling more positive today than yesterday.

A couple things that have been helping me emotionally is regular exercise and prayer.

I have not had good luck sleeping lately.

[pookie69]

...she started in on The R. I tried only to listen. She became upset that "We" were talking of the R.

"W, I don't know how I feel about it either. I don't want to talk about us right now."

She said she cared for me and loved me, but has had no change in the feelings of being "in love". She then said she has wanted thpse feeling to change, but they have not. Trust is a big issue with her toward me. She is not trusting of my change and does not know how much longer she can go on like this.

She is handing it over to you. Can't you see?

She wants to get her feelings back. Man up. It's time to lead.

Actions, not talk will get you there.

Be consistant.

Months ago I got the same words "You are only doing all this because you want to save this relationship."

"No," I said, "I'm doing it because it makes me feel good about myself." and I kept doing it.

If you have not found your catnip, now it's time to look for it.

[HopelessInLove]

Catnip?

I am dense.

The way she was talking that she is not strong enough to continue with R. She has not filed for D. How long would a W hold on if her feelings have not changed in several months? She did note that her life is more peaceful than when I was in the house.

Do I take her stalling as she is she waiting for me to lead her feelings back to loving me? If I am leading what am I doing to get her to follow? (is this a solution oriented question I should be asking myself or do I need to refine?) What actions would work? The ifnfo you pointed out before pookie69? I am feeling better when I am in control, but I do not want to come across as controlling. She says she does not trust me, and I don't want to go across the line. In our conversation she did say that when she has backed off a little I assume that thing become much better and I jump over the line. I have heeded her warning of physical touch, no touching, hugging, kissing, etc.

Confused but getting more of a handle on the little baby steps.

[gutwrenching]

No feelings for you is often because there are feelings for someone else. Robx told you that an EA had formed and you seemed to agree with that...so what have you done about that? Feelings for you won't return if there are feelings for someone else.