All your comments today have me thinking. I guess I just figured that if I started to feel more desire for him, he would for me as well. But that sounds dumb, and short-sighted doesn't it. Maybe after me being LD for a lot of years, it's just not that simple? Maybe I've really hurt him? And if so, how do I fix?
Do I accept that I'll have to be the one who initiates and let myself get rejected as often as he wants, until he feels 'safe' that my desire is coming back and it won't be so risky for him to initiate?
Or, is that going to be like 'pursuing', and end up irritating him and causing him to withdraw further?
I'm espeically interested in what the men think. If your LD spouse finally turned a corner and started 'getting her groove' back do you think you'd be wary of it and cautious before trying to initiate anything?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Tough call. I've been in a SSM for so l long, I'd welcome my wife initiating it. But each person is different. It's tough being rejected for so long; habits die hard. But if you're initiating it, I'd think he'd eventually grow more comfortable.
Hi pinhead - thanks so much for stopping by. It's so-so. He'll tolerate it. And he is working harder to hug and touch more since I've begun speaking up and asking for more. I've made sure to let him know how much I appreciate it when he does. Often though, it's quite reserved. Or with a time limit - he'll hold me for a bit but then he'll 'move' me away from him. Or he acts really goofy about it and talks in a silly or baby voice. Serious, passionate touches, hugs or kisses are pretty few and far between (and usually just when we're ML)
EDIT: Oh h*ll. I'd better just be real with myself about this. Serious, passionate touching and kissing occurs so rarely we might as well say it doesn't occur unless we're ML or about to. (ie last passionate kiss without ML was on July 1st under the fireworks)
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/24/1012:39 AM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Sex and Intimacy. And in that book you get a clear idea of how both partners feel being HDand LD. I believe it is a great book. And it will allow you to see your R from a new point of view...
Sex and Intimacy. And in that book you get a clear idea of how both partners feel being HDand LD. I believe it is a great book. And it will allow you to see your R from a new point of view...
Thanks very much Kalni - I'll definitely pick it up. I could use some enlightenment. Got turned down again last night. But I was careful not to show my disappointment. Ouch.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I know how hard that can be to be rejected. I'm pretty much in the same boat; hugs are fine, cuddling too, but anything more is still a tough thing. ML is offlimits right now, or at least until W gets back from a week at her sisters. Even then, she's said she's not ready for that.
Realizing how long it'll take to heal a relationship can be daunting, especially when it's natural to validate your progress through physical stuff.
Realizing how long it'll take to heal a relationship can be daunting, especially when it's natural to validate your progress through physical stuff.
And it surprises me to feel that way because I never used to need this much physical attention or connection. I really was LD for years. I guess with all the changes I've been making emotionally, learning to ask for what I need, speak my mind etc, it's kind of opened up that more physical part of myself. I'm realizing how badly I need it. Which I guess maybe explains why this infatuation I have with this other man still won't go away. I still kind of feel like I'm 'starving' for connection.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Realizing how long it'll take to heal a relationship can be daunting, especially when it's natural to validate your progress through physical stuff.
And it surprises me to feel that way because I never used to need this much physical attention or connection. I really was LD for years. I guess with all the changes I've been making emotionally, learning to ask for what I need, speak my mind etc, it's kind of opened up that more physical part of myself. I'm realizing how badly I need it. Which I guess maybe explains why this infatuation I have with this other man still won't go away. I still kind of feel like I'm 'starving' for connection.
Don't be surprised. For most of my marriage I was never a touchy feely guy. Now, it's hugely important. I think it's part of the script we all run on. That and if you've been repressing part of your sexuality, eventually it'll come out. Exercising definitely boosts testosterone in both men and women, so an increase in desire is normal. Plus the fact that we're all seeing validation from our partners, and physical affection is usually a more reliable indicator of how someone feels for us.
Thanks Pinhead, so I shouldn't worry to much about this infatuation? I'd been attracted to this guy for years. Seriously, probably 10 years now. And after I started doing all this work it began to ease a bit, so I just figured it was a symptom of how badly my H and I had been disconnected. But it's come back in the last month or so, so it freaked me out. I trust myself enough to know that I wouldn't go out and have an A, especially after seeing my H trying to make changes. But having those feelings for this guy again really had me rattled. This guy is part of a group of acquaintances/friends my H and I know, so i was scared to go out where he'd be; but scared to NOT go at the same time because my work keeps me kind of isolated. My time with friends really helps keep me balanced.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I think I am the HD partner. It took H months before he initiated LM. And it sucked. I hated it but as everything else in piecing takes...patience. (Havent used that stupid word for a while).
Just got an "I love you, know that" last night, SMS followed by "I want to love you and be loved by you". It took a year to say that....(not in person yet)
And if so, how do I fix?