I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

All

I wanted to share with everyone a long conversation that I had with my mother in law last night.

Here is a little background before I summarize our conversation….

Over the past few weeks the interactions that I have had with my in-laws has changed substantially. The phone calls and text from MIL have for the most part stopped. The last time my in-laws were at the house was about 3 weeks ago; and as I suspected they would do….they once again tried to talk to my W about the D. I told my MIL not to bother. I went on to explain to MIL that what my W was doing and dealing with is something that she needs to deal with and that no one could help her or talk her out of it. MIL knows about OM; however, W continues to deny it. Anywhooo…. I warned my in-laws not to have the conversation with her and they did anyway. When I walked upstairs, my in-laws and W were speaking and my W was crying. I still do not know what was said to my W and really it is none of my business. My MIL called me the following day to see how I was doing and only provided the following comment regarding her convo with my W : “Eric, she feels she has done nothing wrong and she has not accepted responsibility for anything – it is all still your fault”. My response – I told you guys not to bother, this is something that she will have to deal with if and when she ever feels like dealing with – it is in her and/or God’s time – not mine. That was the last convo I had with my MIL until yesterday.

Yesterday, my MIL sent me a text telling me “that I need to keep my faith in God and that remember God is God”. FTR, my MIL does not agree with my W choices.

So after some thought I decided to respond to my MIL….The point of my response to her was to let her know that I have decided to let completely go of my W and to live my life.

Me: Mom please know that I still love my W and always will but that it is now time for me to move forward with my life.

MIL: I know, it has been a year already

Me: Yep, and I have learned so much and still have a ways to go. But I am stronger now.

MIL: Yes you are. Just remember that God is always with you

Me: Mom, I cannot thank you enough for your support throughout this ordeal.

MIL: Eric we love YOU both. Both of you are our children. We are praying for both of you.

Me: Thank you, I want to be honest with you….I am not sure that I want this anymore in my life. I am not saying that I am done I just really want to focus on me and
my life. My life with my children and whatever that looks like.

MIL: I understand Eric

Me: Mom, there has been so much damage in the past year and what I have learned about myself and about where I went wrong has been a blessing.

MIL: yes Eric, Mary Ann cannot see what she is doing.

Me: I know mom. I suspect that something traumatic will need to happen in order for her to begin to look at herself but really who knows, it is between her and God. As for me, I have decided to let go completely. Nothing I do or say will matter at this point. Ya know Mom had this not happened I would not have realized the things about myself that I have and for this I am grateful. In a some weird way grateful for her. Maybe it was God will that this happened. I don’t know and I may never know. What I do know and accept now is that where I am today is right where I am suppose to be. Do I know why? Nope. But I have faith that whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen.

MIL: You will always be our family (at this point I can hear her start to get a little chocked up).

Me: Yes Mom I will. Things may change in the future – who knows. What I do wish and would suggest is that whomever W ends up with, and maybe it is me, you guys love that person as much as you loved me. Show the man who you guys are. As for me, I’ll be fine.

MIL: You know this had to happen to both of you. I know you did all you could.

Me: Thanks Mom. Look we both did the best we could. I will never bash Mary Ann. As I have said we both made mistakes.

MIL: I know….I know…I still believe God (she chocked up again).

Me: You should Mom. Boy, have I made mistakes. Ya know what though….a friend of mine said the following word to me…”intent”….I have thought about it mom. I made mistakes, many, BUT I never “intended” to hurt her or my family or you. I can look in the mirror and say that I know with all my heart that every mistake I made was never done with the “intention” to hurt anyone. As for my M.A., maybe one day she will need to ask herself if her actions were “intentional”…if they were you can tell her, that is if I am not around, that I forgive her. As for my mistakes, I never want to forget them. Never…they are a reminder of what I was and what I now am and WHY.

MIL: Keeping praying Eric always look up and never let go of God – whatever it is He will be with you.

Me: I know Mom…I know…

We chatted a bit more but I guess my point of this post is this…

I had an opportunity to…..see just how much pain can be caused by a D. Pain felt by everyone – it sucks.
I also had the opportunity to…. see just how much I have grown. I still have a ways to go…but I felt okay after our conversation and realized…one big thing….I have forgiven myself and in many ways have forgiven my W. I always wondered if I would be able to and finally realized that honestly…It just happens. It just happens one day. Does this mean that I will never be angry with my W – no – what it is says to me is that I am….going though….


God Bless,
Eric