How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Good evening,

Great fit of the blues this evening, I let it wash over me but I can't face life with this failed and empty feeling popping up every few days. Went to work - hardly any colleagues and next-to-no students, as general strike here today in French public services; they're going to raise retirement age. So I wasn't on strike but pussy-footed around at school with drastically reduced classes. Frustrating: you can't really get anything done, you're just teen-sitting.

As I travelled home, realized I didn't have a "home" like I once did. I miss the 2 younger children when they're with him. I don't call, though: they'd feel bad and so would I, and look needy into the bargain.I'll see them tomorrow night.

I didn't take my family - or even my H - for granted. He and they were the centre of my world, the reason I got up in the morning. I didn't ask for great things, just that they'd be happy. Yes, I did neglect my husband's needs: I didn't always want to make love when he did, couldn't relax when he was so distant and absorbed in work, when I'd to be up at 05h45 the following morning because I'd to travel far to work. I should have been more receptive, more relaxed, more careful of myself as a wife, but I just threw everything into being a good mum and succeeding at work. I couldn't win on all fronts. I realize now that I hurt his sense of himself as an attractive man. But in the name of all that's good and holy, why didn't he talk to me? Why didn't he encourage me to take more time and care over my appearance if that bothered him? He used to say he loved me and felt close and happy with me. I believed him. I'd have gone through fire for him. I always took him into account when I decided on anything, when I prepared a meal, when I did the shopping... I took great care of him if he was sick, I helped him write correspondance and corrected his papers and reports. I shared everything with him, never hid anything from him. I put him first. I just needed more communication and reassurance in order to feel in the mood sometimes. We did have an active love-life, it just wasn't up to what he wanted at all times. So he turned to another woman rather than talk to me. I'm not an angry person, I could have listened. And then he blamed me when he finally came clean. And hasn't stopped blaming me till recently. Said I was slow, unattractive, didn't take care of myself, didn't keep an orderly house, was incapable, bad at decorating, bad at managing money, useless as a lover. I've gone through the lot and I'll recognize that although the house is spotlessly clean and comfortable, it can be a little disorderly at times - three kids who like reading and playing with lego leave signs of life about, not to mention a dog, three cats and 5 birds. I was not the queen of glamour, but always was neat. I'm no fashion plate. I've a lot of work on my plate and prioritize, I considered that good relations with my kids and H were more important than being a slave to tidying and housepride.Yes, I'm a dreamer, he used to love me for that.He just vomited up a lot of very nasty stuff that didn't square with what he'd always said. And 4 months on, there are moments I still can't get my head around it. I feel that I hurt him and failed him, but then he didn't exactly give me the access and the means to love him as he wanted when there was still time. How could he possibly ever stop feeling all that anger and resentment? What did I do to deserve it? I'm trying to be detached, but I can't feel any confidence when I see the mess I've made. Why was I so blind? I suppose the pressures of work.

I still love him, but can't imagine ever being intimate with him again, after how he's made me feel. I couldn't relax, I'd feel judged and rejected at every glance. Unles he explains himself and/or recognizes the suffering his words and actions have caused.And that I can't see happening.

I'd had VERY little sexual experience before we met, so in a sense, my prowess or the lack of it is a direct result of his "coaching". I measure myself against his scale.

Sorry, I'm just at a low ebb this eve.Feeling alone and very vulnerable.When I got home from work, I found he'd been here most of the day, whileI was out and kids in school. It's still his house too; I've nothing to hide but feel watched. I'd left my bedroom windows open, he'd closed them. I don't know what he was at, but he has a flat that I don't go to. I'll have to tackle him about that, yet I've no energy for more battles. Is he keeping tabs on me to see how I behave? If the place is tidy? Afraid someone else will invade his teritory? Regretful and nostalgic but too pig-headed to see a way forward? I know I should put a foot down about this, it's not fair, yet I don't want to scorch away shoots of regret or sorry-ness if at all they exist. All in all, it's creepy. I don't mind him using outbuildings and downstairs, but feel strange that he's always in and out of my room, a room he fled in "horror" 4 months ago. Wish I could understand before saying anything.

I wish you well in your situations.Just writing this down and sending it out into space helps me lots. Hugs to you all.
NCU