Hi MR, If she is acting like a teenager, with very few responsibilities and is very selfish, that is not a mom for your kids that you once knew. Hence, identity crisis. That is part of the mid-life crisis. Other things that point to midlife crisis/identity is the fear of getting old. Obsessing over the body, plastic surgery, excessive excercise, eating habits change, not able to deal with everyday life easily. So they are not able to accept the fact that they are aging and moving into a new phase of their life. I personally do not understand it. I have read about it. See it happening with my W too. Supposedly, men all go through some type of midlife crisis, or male menopause, called andropause. The Conway books talk about this. I have not experienced this yet at age 48. Thought about getting older about 5 years ago for about an hour or two one day. I am too busy to think about that stuff. Maybe it will hit me sometime in the future. The books say some get through midlife without any problems. Hormone levels for Men and Women can play a big part in this. That I can believe. I guess if my hormone levels changed, I would sense something is not right. I don't think I answered your question, but it made me think of this as a response.
According to what Seeking Answers just put on my thread, nothing.
Originally Posted By: Seeking Answers
People may be getting hung up on the term MLC. Remove the M and you end up with Life Crisis.
Transitions happen to all of us every 7 to 10 years. From what I understand a crisis develops when a transition runs off the track and gets out of control and the person has trouble navigating through it.
A LC can happen at any age. Things that contribute to a LC can be childhood issues, depression, whacked hormones, and failure to finish growing up. (Same things you'll see in a MLCer)
Failure to finish growing up gives people skewed views on reality, unrealistic expectations of how they think life should be versus handling the bumps that are inevitable in the grown up world.
Many lack the tools in how to deal with the bumps and see running as the answer to escape their pain. They have to learn that they are the only ones responsible for their own happiness. It doesn't come from someone else, it comes from within.
They have to be left to their journey without interference as it is the only way they will ever have a chance to resolve their issues.
Failure to finish growing up gives people skewed views on reality, unrealistic expectations of how they think life should be versus handling the bumps that are inevitable in the grown up world.
Thanks CD Bear. That statement in particular describes exactly how I view my wife's behavior over the last year. I think I've shared this part of my wife's history on here somewhere, but I'd like to point it out again. When my wife was in her early 20's she got involved with a married man, and was 'with him' for over two years. I met her while she was still seeing him. She actually became pregnant by this man twice and aborted both pregnancies. I'll spare you all the other gory details. Long story short, when we met and knew that we liked each other, she gladly broke up with him, and told me on many occasions that she knew it was immoral to date a married man, knew what she was doing was wrong, etc... In hindsight, there's one thing that I should have tuned into very early in my relationship with her. At one point, when her and I were becoming friends and beginning to like each other, but she was still seeing him, I pressed her on "How could she date a married man, knowing that he had a wife and daughter." Her rationale and explanation to me was, "Well, I was in love with him. There's nothing wrong with what I was doing because I really loved him, and he loved me." Like I said, this was when she was in her early/mid 20's, and when I was just getting to know her.
When she knew she loved me, she broke up with me, saw the moral mistakes she was making (or, so I thought...), and, like I said above, admitted to me as much on many occasions. Should have been a done deal right? In my mind that there should have been an experience that should have been burned into her heart and mind permanently as a moral mistake she would never repeat ever again. After all, hard experiences like that (i.e. two aborted pregnancies from a married man) should teach you a permanent life lesson about 'growing up' right?
As I've learned the hard way over the last year+ that isn't the case. My wife apparently didn't finish 'growing up' from that mind set, and is now repeating her history all over again. But now, the damage is far worse. In the past experience she was single and, as painful as it was to all involved, it only impacted one family, and herself as an individual. Now, two families...with children...have been hugely impacted by her and DJ's selfish choices, one idiot 12,000 miles was stupid enough to divorce his wife to pursue mine, and my wife appears on the verge of doing the same. The damage is far, far worse. This repeat experience (on her part) made me realize that something must have happened in her childhood to make her get stuck in a certain mind-set (It's the "There's nothing immoral about what I'm doing because it's love" mind-set) and repeat the same mistake twice, with far greater damage and consequences this second time aroung. I figure that maybe one of her parents had an affair when my wife was very young, and my wife buried it and never processed it properly. Man, this sucks.....
Quote:
A MLC develops when a hurt person is unable to confront the truth about their past.
This quote from Cyrena in another thread on 'the final stages...withdrawal to acceptance' really resonated with me on a deep level.
Are you familiar with programs like DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and Absitence Only?
For the longest time people assumed this programs helped, and they made everybody feel good as if there were doing something about drug use among kids and teen pregnancy.
Problem: in studies where the rates of drug use and teen pregnancy were compared to those of among groups of kids not exposed to these programs, the rates of drug use and teen pregnancy were about more-or-less equal.
19% of the girls who pledged to remain absinent through high school reported having unprotected sex within the first year.
My point?
It's not a maturity thing. Some kids don't become addicted to drugs, and their reaction to programs like DARE is "Duh?". They anticipate their actions have consequences and act accordingly. The kids you are trying to reach with these programs do not anticipate consequences or perform risk assesments, they are not thinking that far ahead.
It's a perspective issue, not a maturity issue. I could go on to cite similiar studies among adults, but you get the point, right?
She's not being "immature". She isn't anticipating future consequences based on the way you portray things.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
TH Are you serious? This thread is MLC. When you meet somebody in MLC who truly is in MLC, then let me know. I think you are missing it. I was clueless about MLC. When somebody is in MLC, the LBS truly has some work to do to get a handle on it, but a few clues might be:
Throwing out Morals, Values, etc. Behavior that is way out of norm for the spouse. People at work see it. IC can see it. MLC's family can see it. LBS's family can see it. Kids can see it. They don't have a clue what it is, I don't blame them. How could they? The IC knows what it is though. This is very real.
All of these people that know the MLC'r, are not lying. They are not hallucinating. It doesn't happen to everyone in the same manner as the people posting here though. Most people get through midlife without the crisis. If I had one I did not get the memo.
I am not trying to get on your case. Maybe not everyone that is on the MLC threads have an MLC person on their hands. I am willing to bet most are. I just get the feeling that you don't want to acknowledge the fact that this exists. What is your motivation to post in this manner? Are you angry at someone? When people are angry they typically don't want to offer help? Maybe its just me and I am not getting the point.
I know this is MR's thread and I don't want to hijack it so I will stop here.
My wife apparently didn't finish 'growing up' from that mind set, and is now repeating her history all over again. But now, the damage is far worse.
Look Radio no one here is a mental health professional (that I know of)
We (and you) are trying to help you navigate the tragedy that has happened in your M based on our expereince and the experience and knowledge base of those who came before us.
Your W may have issues beyond MLC
Maybe she has batchit crazy disease...
... who the f@ck knows?
You don't and no one else here does.
My W? Survivor of childhood sexual abuse. MLC? Pretty much guaranteed and with a little nuts on top.
Only she can decide to deal with her issues in her time.
What you have to decide is what kind of man you want to be.
What is important to you.
And you must do that from a healthy place.
That is why we say detach and try to pull yourself out of the emotional turmoil that this has dealt to you.
Pull yourself back and out of the fray.
When you find your footing...
Make your decisions from your truth and your core.
That way what W does or doesn't do- won't matter.
Neither will statistics
Or her history
Or any body elses opinion for that matter.
But you gotta do the work here Radio.
To find your own answers.
Your own truth.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Are you serious? This thread is MLC. When you meet somebody in MLC who truly is in MLC, then let me know
Google this: Mid Life Crisis Time Perspective.
Example 1:
Three groups, one high in midlife crisis (N = 27), one medium (N = 37), and one low in midlife crisis (N = 40) were compared. It was found that the high crisis group had a lower level of affect referring to self-enhancement, a lower level of positive affect, and a higher level of negative affect than both other groups. Moreover, time perspective played a differential role in the organization of the self: in an intragroup comparison of the most influential personal meanings, the high crisis group showed a higher level of negative affect than positive affect for personal meanings referring to the future, but not for personal meanings referring to the past and the present.
What do you all call those stretches of time (i.e. the past few weeks with my wife) where the MLC spouse isn't doing much cycling, isn't making - what do you call them? - touch and go's, and basically isn't doing much of anything? Lately, my wife has been kind of....well, kind of just there. Flat-lining is a word that comes to mind, but I don't know if that's the most appropriate choice of words. It's more like she's stuck in suspended animation, or something along those lines. Is this something else 'common' to MLC? Something that's part of the overall journey?
