You know what - you're right. The mental gymnastics ARE exhausting and not worth the energy expended on them. That's VERY true. I suppose it doesn't matter if there is a slight variance in what I'm looking for in him, it just matters that I'm still looking. And yes - it's a hell of a way to live. I need to find a way to just stop that.
As for worrying about whether my actions will push him further away - I'm not sure, actually. Yeah, there's part of me that worries about that, in GAL and such. However, I have not been afraid (if you read my threads) of telling him he's free to leave and have encouraged him to do so several times along this journey.
The first time it was when I found out about his inappropriate behavior. I didn't care if it pushed him out the door - I knew I couldn't live with his texting old gf's and chatting it up on facebook. He chose to stay and ended that behavior. The second time, he was saying he wasn't sure he wanted to "work on the marriage, etc..." but wanted to be friends and be here for the kids. I told him that was not going to work for me. I told him he had a week to think about it and if he didn't want to work on the marriage, he needed to move out. He stayed. Since then he has been pleasant and things have progressed in a positive manner...just not to the point I want them to be at.
SO...I have been willing to put up with scraps, so to speak, because there has been a steady progression back to a healthy R. I'm not sure, however, if it is time to push again for the next level.
Quite frankly, I am ready for H to either move away or toward me. I hate Limboland! I want my M but if H is never going to be the husband I need him to be... I would rather him go ahead and get out now. Of course, my deep desire is for him to be the man he can be - the husband and father he has been previously - and work things out. I want that for my kids as well as for myself. If it is never going to happen though, I'd prefer to just move on now.
This is what now begs the question - how long do I give it - how patient am I - before I push to say, "this is enough! Put in the real work or get out." See, H feels like he IS working on the M, I'm sure. He's here - he's participating - he's being kind and considerate in many ways... just not a complete husband to me.
Do I walk around acting happy when he shows me the least bit of attention or affection? No, I don't. I'm still guarded. I AM progressing with my own life in the way I want to - whether the future is with him or without him. Finishing me degree is for me. Spending time with my friends is for me. Being a better mom is for my kids and me...
The hard part of all this is him living here at home and us having this psydo-marriage (for now). With him here it makes it harder to make the distinction between the love and the tough, as I said above.
SO: I've said all of that to say this: How do I need settle for scraps? I don't want to, that's for sure!!! Do I totally withdraw my "wifely" self and just be a roommate to him? Do I make him get out if he's not being genuinely affectionate and giving me the steak???? I would LOVE some practicals on how not to settle because I sure am not going to for the rest of my existence. I firmly believe that if H needs to move out or whatever...then I am ready for that. The kids may not be, which is another story, but I am. I say that without any fear.
