I'm not going to comment on the emotional side of things as you are well covered in that area.
I thought the first attny you saw was one of the "power players" from the country club?
I think you are being VERY foolish from a legal standpoint. Did your W just start school this semester? If so, she started while the two of you were legal married and used joint funds to pay and BAM!... precedent set.
If your state is one where a physical separation (living in two houses) is not recognized as a LEGAL separation then all debt she is creating (CC) is also yours. So you very well know be required to continue payment of her tuition AND her debt.
If your dad has so much money tell him to write you a heft retainer check and get this agreement DONE. The longer you wait (you have waited too long) the more opportunity your W has to set precedent of what she will need to rebuild on her own.
Sorry if I'm coming off harsh... My sitch is not unlike Johns so I feel close to the issue...
Gonna leave it to the vets while I observe...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Holy back and forth Batman!!! Just got caught up on this entire post... WOW!!!
John, this is my first post ever so I'm a virgin here and I'm sure the vets may correct me... That said I have read all the books suggested on this site and have learned a ton! It seems YOU CAN NOT GET AWAY FROM HER!
I have to ask one simple question... WHY? What is she doing for you? I have you pegged as a man with VERY LOW self esteem. This is something you must work on.
Remember, a lack in response to her actions (silence) is ACCEPTENCE of them!! She gets EVERYTHING she wants with VERY LITTLE effort!!! You cave at every instance…
I'm turning off my phone.... And then it's back on! I'm staying out so I don't see her.... And then you see her! I'm not going to talk R.... And you talk R! I'm going to go dark.... But let’s sit down and have dinner?
A few observations...
If she comes from behind and hugs you, your response is to pull away and say, "You have asked for space and I am respecting your boundary. I too need space and expect you to respect mine." Yes she will be mad, hurt, sad.. And you know why? Not because she LOVES YOU SO MUCH, but because she didn't get her way! She’s spoiled! Don't you see that?
The fact that you even allowed her to sit and have dinner with you is crazy!!! Your response should have been, "The best thing the both of us can do right now is allow this separation to move forward. It's far too damaging for both us and our s4 to continue as we are now and as we have been in the past. That relationship is done, over, finished. Our future relationship will be different."
And DO NOT SAY ANY MORE!!! She WILL ask "different how?", to which your response will be, "Just different". DO NOT SAVE HER OR MAKE HER FEEL SAFE! “Just different” has many meanings and it will be up to her (and you) to decide as time goes by…
If she says ILY, your response, “Please do not say that. As I we discussed just yesterday (or the day before) what we have is not love and its best that we don’t confuse what we currently have as “love”.
I know this is the most difficult thing ever and I don’t make light of it. But until you implement the correct strategies you will NEVER be happy!
So many opportunities. So many failures. So many implementation of advice. So many backslides.
The first L I saw wasn't the Country Club lawyer, was just one I saw right after W left. The CC lawyer is so booked up and busy I couldn't get a time until next week. Makes sense. She's the best, so she's busy.
Can someone point me to So Ashamed thread?
W texted about her job today that she needed help with taxes. I called her back at lunch and helped her. She talked about her orientation as a cashier at a grocery store She then talked about coming over tonight after her class late like she did on Tuesday. I said why, she said because maybe that way she could just take S4 back in the morning instead of me dropping him off at her place...
...
.... I said no, that's not a good idea. She shouldn't be sleeping here unless she makes the decision this is where she wants to be.
She said she respected that.
End of conversation.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I said no, that's not a good idea. She shouldn't be sleeping here unless she makes the decision this is where she wants to be.
Oh my. You are still asking her to lead? Where is she leading you? You are still letting her know that what happens is up to her over and over and over. She knows that.
You should have stopped with this, IMO: "I said no, that's not a good idea"
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
She then talked about coming over tonight after her class late like she did on Tuesday. I said why, she said because maybe that way she could just take S4 back in the morning instead of me dropping him off at her place...