New Thread - Same Sitch

[steady]

I didn't do it so much to get the thanks for noticing but more for the validation that it was the right thing to do. It's a subtle difference, but a difference.

I can understand that you think it's a difference. I see them as the same. Sometimes when you are in the middle of it you have to rationalize how it's different. The mind is devious like that. In both cases you are looking for something. One is a 'thanks for noticing' the other is a 'validation from him that it was the right thing to do' - both are something coming from him to you.

It's because I'm trying to find that balance of being loving, yet "tough". I do want to meet H's needs, but I don't want to do it and lose respect. In other words, I didn't get down or mad or upset that he didn't say thanks for noticing, but I did question as to if I should've said it - whether it came across as pursuing when I didn't want it to... that kind of thing.

Isn't it amazing how something as simple as thanking someone has now degraded to an exercise in mental energy having to expended on a monumental level. All of this thinking, re-thinking, wondering, weighing, balancing, guessing at implications. Believe me I know - I did it all too.

It's a hell of a way to have to live. More to the point - it's exhausting and it sucks.

The third party/scraps deal: YES, you're right: I'm looking for scraps and I shouldn't be. That is not what I am going to be satisfied with for myself, as a way of life. I have definitely come to realize that. I guess I have viewed it as such: if the scraps were to come, at least, I would see it as an appetizer to the steak meal being prepared for later. Or heck - at least in the budget for purchasing to be cooked for later! LOL.

lol. But when you settle for scraps you reinforce the person to keep delivering you scraps. You send the message you are a person who will take scraps with a smile on your face. When inside, you are frustrated, annoyed, angry, losing self respect, etc... (is that how you feel)

As to what to do...what I would tell myself if I were outside looking in, I don't know. I really don't. That's my biggest struggle right now with all of this because I vascilate so much between thinking I need to have patience and saying, "the heck with this!" in my mind.

This is fine. But keep searching for your answer. As long as you are searching and don't stop, it will make itself known.

I was in the position of looking for scraps. If I could do it all over again - I would approach my W and say, "I realized I'm walking around looking for scraps of attention and affection. When I saw this I was appalled and disappointed with my behavior. I'm not a scraps person and I won't settle for scraps. When you're ready to come back to this marriage and do the work that's necessary to rebuild it then let me know. In the meantime I'm going to build myself the best life I can." Then I would do just that.

But that will raise the question in your mind - if I do that will that drive him further away. Shouldn't I just be patient like people tell me and give him the opportunity to find his way back? The problem with this thinking is you're now basing your decisions on variables you have no control over.

You can't control his reaction to your choices. You have no idea what the consequences of your decisions will actually be as it unfolds.

So I asked myself, how do I know if the decision I am making is the right one? By basing it on the only variable I know. Me. When I base it on me and don't consider the reaction or expectations of the other person, and leave out trying to guess what it will cause, I can be sure I did the right thing.

If it turns out to be a mistake, I can apologize and make it different. I have the right to make mistakes. I also have the right to be in charge of my own life.

If only I knew back then what I know now....