Actually, based on what you have written here, I think you did fine this time. I guess it's kind of natural to second guess just getting along, but we have always said, "You don't have to be an @ss about it, but don't tollerate disrespect". I didn't see any disrespect in this post, so good job.
Don't make the mistake of going from being a push-over to being inflexible and hostile
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
It wasn't an appropriate time to have that conversation because
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She came up behind me and gave me a nice hug
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She asked to stay for dinner last night, and I said that would be fine
She will use this against you. She knows you don't have a backbone.
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I am still going dark
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I'm still going forward with the "don't call me" decision/speech. I know that is the right decision for me and for this R.
But yet........
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It felt inappropriate to do so last night.
Your wife will play your feelings like a fiddle. She knows you are afraid of her and your feelings.
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I think right now we have about $400 to our name. Her CC is maxed out too. Things might get interesting.
This too will be used to manipulate you. Keep feeling instead of thinking. What stops her from running debt up in both of your names?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes, but the first guy I saw was one of those "let's just settle this as easy as possible so I don't have to do any work" type of L. He advised me just to work with W as much as possible and that clearly isn't happening because I keep getting manipulated.
Got a consult with different L this week.
Originally Posted By: Coach
This too will be used to manipulate you. Keep feeling instead of thinking. What stops her from running debt up in both of your names?
I have bank and CC statements the day she moved out. Was advised to do so by L in case she racks up debt.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Don't make the mistake of going from being a push-over to being inflexible and hostile
Yeah, exactly. I have a difficult time being dark without being hostile and inflexible. It's just in my nature to be on or off. I can't find that good in between ground. Like when you go dark, and the WAS calls you and you're supposed to act chipper or GAL.... I can't really do that well. When I go dark, I go into "off" mode and am not necessarily hostile, but I'm definitely indifferent and inflexible. I'm working on that.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Holy back and forth Batman!!! Just got caught up on this entire post... WOW!!!
John, this is my first post ever so I'm a virgin here and I'm sure the vets may correct me... That said I have read all the books suggested on this site and have learned a ton! It seems YOU CAN NOT GET AWAY FROM HER!
I have to ask one simple question... WHY? What is she doing for you? I have you pegged as a man with VERY LOW self esteem. This is something you must work on.
Remember, a lack in response to her actions (silence) is ACCEPTENCE of them!! She gets EVERYTHING she wants with VERY LITTLE effort!!! You cave at every instance…
I'm turning off my phone.... And then it's back on! I'm staying out so I don't see her.... And then you see her! I'm not going to talk R.... And you talk R! I'm going to go dark.... But let’s sit down and have dinner?
A few observations...
If she comes from behind and hugs you, your response is to pull away and say, "You have asked for space and I am respecting your boundary. I too need space and expect you to respect mine." Yes she will be mad, hurt, sad.. And you know why? Not because she LOVES YOU SO MUCH, but because she didn't get her way! She’s spoiled! Don't you see that?
The fact that you even allowed her to sit and have dinner with you is crazy!!! Your response should have been, "The best thing the both of us can do right now is allow this separation to move forward. It's far too damaging for both us and our s4 to continue as we are now and as we have been in the past. That relationship is done, over, finished. Our future relationship will be different."
And DO NOT SAY ANY MORE!!! She WILL ask "different how?", to which your response will be, "Just different". DO NOT SAVE HER OR MAKE HER FEEL SAFE! “Just different” has many meanings and it will be up to her (and you) to decide as time goes by…
If she says ILY, your response, “Please do not say that. As I we discussed just yesterday (or the day before) what we have is not love and its best that we don’t confuse what we currently have as “love”.
I know this is the most difficult thing ever and I don’t make light of it. But until you implement the correct strategies you will NEVER be happy!
Good Luck John.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I know where you are all coming from, but I didn't think the last interaction was all that bad if taken out of context from all of the other things. Some time alone, I agree, would probably do John some good, and I get that you are anticipating more of what has gone before
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/23/1005:56 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Thanks PMA - Just so frustrating when he has had soooo many opportunities to be confident alpha-male she wants and he fails time and time again.
He melts at every tear, whine, touch... I get it, the fear of losing one’s family is crippling. But that fear is causing him to appear wimpy and thus she loses respect. You CAN be fearful, loving and empathetic AND be a confident, respectable, strong man!
And if you look back, every time he implemented even a small portion of what you vets have advised, the results were positive for him. And he felt better and more empowered. And SHE for that brief moment RESPECTED HIM!!!
Sorry for talking "about" you john and not "to" you... But start now... Respect is something you earn through your actions. Do you really think your actions warrant her respect?
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
