Newer Game- Moving Forward

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Bear,



Is what you're doing working for you?

No confusion then, right?

[CD Bear]

Hi, Jack.
You're quick. Did your L's notify you of my copyright infringement? Damn, they're good!!

Well, as far as working is concerned, since I came here to B a D, then not particularly.

But as far as making progress on the Separation Agreement and making methodical changes from wrong CD to better CD, then yes. I just have no idea (not gonna mind read, Steady) if any of this is registering with W. Not That THAT is the point but that would be why I started here.

On the other hand, my life is improving. She is not dragging me down or sucking my optimism anymore. And I'm slowly recovering financially as she isn't here to Hemorrhage "our" funds anymore.

So, do I feel "improved" and "better" than bomb day.

Massively so!!

Am I getting my "family" back, then no.

[CD Bear]

Here's hoping Sandi2's lawyers aren't as quick.

... I find that the majority of the LBH's here on the board are too.....nice. She doesn't need "nice" from you. She needs to learn something that "nice" doesn't teach. She needs to be jolted, shocked, head-jerked into seeing that you do not have to be nice to her. She doesn't deserve a nice, polite, gentleman for a H. She didn't appreciate that kind of H, so now she can deal with the fact that it had been your choice to be nice to her....certainly wasn't her sweetness that drew it out of you. Get the picture?

I know you don't want to mistreat her or be cruel and I'm not saying that. I'm saying to show strength all the way, and most times the WAW in the A cannot see "strength" by means of kindness, gentleness, loving ways. Most times, she's too messed up to see anything that she's used to having. It takes something different to cause her to see. So, when you don't say "Yes,Dear" whenever she snaps her fingers....it will shock her. Some women have never seen any other side of their H's except the nice. Don't do what she expects.
Now, I said all of that hoping you knew that I am not talking about showing a bad attitude, or to be moody, or anything negative. When a man acts like that, he's letting her know that she's controlling him. Instead, show strength of the man you are, show that you are decisive, show that you are very self-confident, and always have polished manners...in the presence of a female who conducts herself like a lady. But, do you know how you can do all of that without appearing to be her pushover? You can, you know. If it seems to be out of character somehow, or doesn't fit your personality....maybe you just need to practice. How would you act around a female who was no lady and openly disrepected you? Would you bow at her feet, throw your cape over the mudpuddle for her to walk across, or kiss her hand? I doubt it. Be like Rhett Butler and have a "don't give a damn" toward her. If you can do that, then you don't have to consider subjects like this.....b/c "Frankly my dear, you just don't do it for me anymore"......(My own editing...lol).

It's the "line" between being ME and who I aspire to be for my next R (catnip, Coach!) and being "unavailable; STBXH" while she continues the A.

If I could FEEL that,I'd have what I "think" is missing.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks, Steady.

I am feeling pretty good.

I had a phone call from her this morning. I handled it like business other than a comment about how awful she sounded with her pneumonia.

We got onto the truck and taxes. No progress and she's going nowhere asking me questions. Yet she got around to 'when are we selling the house'. I turned it back to "first things first"

Anyway, I've been watching another tread today. And it is appearing to me that I have been missing something and/or should be reviewing my perspective AGAIN.

Take all the games and tactics out of it, and no they really aren't games.
Take all that away.
Prior to all of this all this affair and seperation crap.

The guy who isn't (XXX). The guy you were, how would he respond?That guy...barring the crap you don't like about yourself and you should get rid of .....

That guy, you're going to be when you aren't (XXX)one day.
The guy who read the man-books and liked what he saw, saw what he wants to become.

How would he answer?

Cause that who you are/will be.

Most of us here know how we would answer, or address this...but only one person here is getting those texts.

The why of what you do, sometimes just as important as the what of what you do.

Is this what feels so unnatural about what I'm doing now?

I know I want to be more "fiendly" to W as we all know she is in crisis, so to speak.

But I am torn on my approach.

1-Doing so would be more in line with the CD she fell in love with and the man I aspire to be once more but with improvements (CD v5.0)

HOWEVER-

2-Being that "positive" would technically be making the advantages of CD somewhat available to her

3-It goes against the dictum that "while she is in the A, I am not available as it is across my boundary."

4-It could delay her hitting bottom/ease her guilt

5 Taking a stronger lead in the Separation (as I am doing) is still helping her navigate through/clean up her mess.

Apologies but I feel I am at odds with myself right now.

For the record, I vote "3."


Puppy

[CD Bear]

Thanks, PDT.

I had a feeling I could predict that vote.

That's what my "gut" is telling me, too.

I just have this nagging "thing" that I'm being "more of the same" in her eyes.

And I don't see how that's helping her see the M as the better option to A.

Kind of a chicken or egg thing.

[Mike.4545]

CD,

I feel ya on that subject. It seems like many behavioral 180's for me would at the same time, go against other advice on how to interact with a WAW or Wayward spouse.

Particularly:

Making time for just "us" to do things. I didn't do nearly enough of this in our relationship before, but now I'm not supposed to because it's pursuing.

And

Spending time discussing our emotions surrounding a painful situation. Before, not openly discussing and addressing our issues had a big part to play in getting my wife and I to this point, but now I'm not supposed to conduct any relationship talk.

BLAH! So tricky =O)

I guess it's all in the timing.

[steady]

Is this what feels so unnatural about what I'm doing now?

I think what feels so unnatural about it is this - you still want her back. In your mind, subconscious or not, you are worried how your behavior will be viewed by her.

If she was an unknown stranger who was acting this way toward you would you continue to want to be 'nice'? How about a friend who is disrespecting you as she is? What would you do. What would the 'real' CD look like if it was anyone besides your W?

I know I want to be more "fiendly" to W as we all know she is in crisis, so to speak.

It's her crisis. She built it. Let her reap the consequences. Why do you want to be more 'friendly' CD. Dig deep. What would YOU be GETTING by being more friendly?

But I am torn on my approach.

Of course you are. It's called cognitive dissonance. You are having to behave in a way that is contrary to the belief you are trying to get out of yourself - the outside validation/people pleasing paradigm. Go read this - Treat People the Way They Deserve to Be Treated

1-Doing so would be more in line with the CD she fell in love with and the man I aspire to be once more but with improvements (CD v5.0)

The CD she fell in love with was dysfunctional and co-created a R that imploded. Do you want a woman who is attracted to the old CD or one that's attracted to the v5.0 CD? Maybe you've outgrown your W and are ready to attract a much healthier woman? I recently heard on NMMNG recording again - if one of the people in a R is dysfunctional you can bet they both are.

HOWEVER-

2-Being that "positive" would technically be making the advantages of CD somewhat available to her

How do you want to act? Do that. You want her to be attracted to the genuine CD who draws boundaries or to a CD that can put on a mask? The real one or the fake one?

3-It goes against the dictum that "while she is in the A, I am not available as it is across my boundary."

You cannot serve two Gods at once.

4-It could delay her hitting bottom/ease her guilt

This is about her and you trying to predict whether your behavior will enable her or help her to her bottom. Subtle... Do what you want to do (from a healthy perspective, not a dysfunctional one) regardless of the effects out there. Because, as I preach from the pulpit :), you have no idea what the effect is actually going to be.

5 Taking a stronger lead in the Separation (as I am doing) is still helping her navigate through/clean up her mess.[/quote}
Again - a controlling/manipulating viewpoint. Taking a stronger lead my or may not cause some 'thing' to happen. Who knows? Nobody! Maybe it's actually pushing her into creating a bigger mess for herself? lol. But who cares?

[quote=CD Bear]Apologies but I feel I am at odds with myself right now.

Totally understandable. Confusion. Searching for the healthy answer for CD.

[steady]

Go study sandi2's post you quoted above. Don't just read it, study it. I'm posting that gold nugget on my thread.

[CD Bear]

Thanks, Steady.

As usual, (and it took me a couple of days to sort through it), you have found the underlying issue.

what feels so unnatural about it is this - you still want her back. In your mind, subconscious or not, you are worried how your behavior will be viewed by her

Absolutely NAILED IT!!

So now I just have to re-focus on me. Work on what I want and THAT has to be the motive.

"What works for me"

As a refresher......

Instead, show strength of the man you are, show that you are decisive, show that you are very self-confident, and always have polished manners...in the presence of a female who conducts herself like a lady. ... How would you act around a female who was no lady and openly disrepected you?.... Be like Rhett Butler and have a "don't give a damn" toward her. If you can do that, then you don't have to consider subjects like this.....b/c "Frankly my dear, you just don't do it for me anymore"......

Although this remains correct, IMO, my mind still read it as a "tactic". A means to an end and the end was "affect W and get her back"

Again, we all came here for the same reason (I hope) and that was to save our marriage. Granted, mostly under the false motive of "fixing" and finding "the magic bullet" but nevertheless, the motive was there. and the marriage requires the desire to have "the spouse" back.

So this-
"Frankly my dear, you just don't do it for me anymore"
-HAS to be REAL.

If you are faking til you make it, then you are still motivated by getting the WAS back. And that leaves YOU in a fog. Your actions are still insincere to you. You(me) are still second guessing.

That's the unnaturalness. Lack of commtment in my thoughts and actions because I am still concerned with more than how it affects ME.

Apologies if this one got a little disjointed. Had to stop a think a few times.

The other keys to write on my arm-

a)It's her crisis. She built it. Let her reap the consequences.

b)It's called cognitive dissonance. You are having to behave in a way that is contrary to the belief you are trying to get out of yourself - the outside validation/people pleasing paradigm

c)Do you want a woman who is attracted to the old CD or one that's attracted to the v5.0 CD? Maybe you've outgrown your W and are ready to attract a much healthier woman?...You want her to be attracted to the genuine CD who draws boundaries or to a CD that can put on a mask?

d) How do you want to act? Do that. Do what you want to do (from a healthy perspective, not a dysfunctional one) regardless of the effects out there. Because... you have no idea what the effect is actually going to be.

As far as an update, I have been cycling a bit and getting mentally unfocused. Likely due to running out of things to do around the house and getting to the bottom of moving all of her stuff to the garage.

Taxes are done. (Mine-she's still waiting on some docs)

And, after another 3 weeks of wasted time, W is now back following my original suggestion regarding unloading the truck.

She is very confused. It shows in her texts.

I have instructed her to get the repairs made so we can work a deal next week and the truck is gone by Oct 15

Meeting the lawyer this week
Follow up on my physical is next Monday
Drums are almost set up in basement
Other than Christmas lights, house is ready for winter.
Hockey starts Sunday.

Things are going in the right direction.