Actually I think he is just shifting the blame from his own bad habits. For one he said that I didnt appear to care about appearance of me or our home. THAT is not true at all, but he said that was the best he could come up with. I do care about my appearance and our home. Im constantly up doing something in the house and I always care about how I look. He just wants me to dress up like IM going out on the town even when Im at home or work. He also said that sex had changed too. Well, when he moved home he took on a second job doing a paper route that starts at 4 am every morning, I decided to help him out and do it every other night for him. Im exhausted at nights after running a business, taking care of the house,kids and him! I also told him that it was a big change having him back there. Also he has changed in that as well. Its like just sex with him. Nothing more than that. He quit holding me and just wanting to cuddle. Im sorry, I have told him time after time my needs and its like Im not being heard. After a while, having sex with him was just becoming a chore. So, with that I agree that I changed...but so did he. Unlike the appearance of the house...he has no desire to do anything around there...he quit caring about it some time ago.
I agree...staying out till 3 am in the morning is not what a married man with kids should be doing every Friday night....Maybe once in a while to go spend time with your friends is ok...but not all the time. Besides, it hurts that he doesnt ask me if I would like to get a sitter and go with him once in a while.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My H's C told him that the recovery from addiction was not a straight uphill path. There would be dips and low spots, which would be discouraging; HOWEVER, after making it through each dip, he'd be higher up the path than he was before. Eventually, he'd be up on the peak, with the valley only a distant memory. H had to remind himself of that analogy as he went through some of the low spots, but found the metaphor to be accurate.
The C also warned me that the chances of H falling back into the addiction were very high while he was on the early stages of the path. I feel quite lucky that he was strong enough to walk away from all his MLC crutches.
It seems to me that your H is still self-medicating, rather than walking up the path to self healing. That doesn't mean he won't, just that at the moment he is not being a partner to you.
I found the most helpful thing I could do for myself was to keep asking, Is this the way I want to be in a relationship? Would I feel good about behaving like this in my next relationship? Then I tried to act As If I were in that healthy relationship. For me, this often meant bringing things up, in a calm and gentle manner, because that was something I hadn't been good at. Even when he didn't make much of a response, at least I could feel I wasn't choking on all the stuff I was suppressing. However, only you will know if that would make things better or worse with your H, who seems to be back in a very angry state.
I felt like my H was on that road to getting better with each low he had...then its like he let his thoughts take over and cant find a path up that mountain!
I have tried some to tell him in a kind manner the things I would like for him to maybe do different. Things that bother me...but when I have, its like he doesnt listen to me.
I dont know. I just keep trying to act as if, but even I can tell how unhappy I act when Im around him. I did tell him yesterday morning that I wanted him to just come and lay down with me and hold me for a while. Lasted all of 2 minutes. I just wish he could hug me and say everything is going to be ok.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Well, Last night I decided to bring up the subject of how rude my H has been to me lately. I told him how he doesnt say things nicely to me anymore. I felt like he was making fun of me after that. He just doesnt get it. He doesnt really listen to how he talks to me. He then said "well, if you wouldnt make me ill, then I wouldnt talk ill to you"......All I try to do is NOT make him ill and i told him that.
I feel that conversation went no where.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Trust me WCW...Im trying so hard to do that. I stay busy when he is around.
Last night was weird. He came home about an hour late from work, said he had a terrible day at work, he ate very little for supper. The kids went outside to play and he went and sat down in the recliner in the living room...I ignored him for the most part because he was just sitting there. No tv or anything. Just sitting there, staring off into space. I finally went into the living room and asked if he was ok. Of course I got the usual "Im fine". But he sat there doing nothing for about 10 minutes. I asked again if something was wrong...he said he was fine.
So, I decided to just let him be, I gave him the opportunity to talk and he didnt want to so I decided to get on the computer to do a few things. Finally he snapped out of it and started working on his laptop.
I stayed out of his way for the most part, but when he talked to me I answered politely.
Well, I went to bed early. My daughter comes into my room to tell me her daddy was mad and she didnt know why. She said he got up to walk outside to smoke a cigg and said to her on the way out the door "I told you to get your a$$ off that #$%# computer before I rip it out of the f-ing wall!" I was furious that he was talking to her like this...so I went into the living room and asked him why he had to talk to her like that? He said "like what?" I said what she had told me...he denied saying that, but then turned around and said that was the only way he could get her to do what she was told! I told him that I didnt think he should talk to children like that! He disagreed, I just walked away and said "no, you dont have to talk to them like that!"
Then this morning I noticed his checkbook laying out and he took it to work with him. I cant imagine why he took it with him, the only thought that crosses my mind is the fact that he gets paid tomorrow and wants to move out now! And maybe he is taking his checkbook to write a deposit for some place. He definitly isnt taking it to balance it or pay bills. He left all his bills on the counter and he hasnt balance it or written anything in the register since June!!!
Im suspicious that he will be leaving this weekend. Dont know when or how for sure, but Im wondering if he will chicken out and just leave like all the other times. I dont think he will be able to face me.
Im trying to prepare for this just in case. The only thing I can think of to say to him is "when you leaving?"
Not gonna be any begging and pleading like before. Im sure he wont be expecting that! I will let him know to never ask me if he can come back without a doctor, pastor and pshyc signing something to let me know that he is over his ISSUES!!
Enough is enough...I deserve better than this.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Kissak - This must be so though on you....I'm so sorry. And you bet your a** that you don't deserve this....
You know the drill...detach and observe and take care of you sweetie, you have done all you can do....I don't really have any advice for you, but please know that I'm thinking of you and my heart goes out to you.
((((mega hugs))))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Kissak - there is NO reason for anyone to talk to children like that. You know that's true. DO NOT waste anytime worrying about what he may or not be doing with the checkbook. He will do what he is going to do regardless......it is good to prepare for your reaction. The best reaction would be none.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Thank you for thinking of me Mila and Handlingplanb.
This has been a tough weekend for me. I turned out to be wrong about the checkbook thing. Thoughts can be your worst enemey sometimes.
I tried to stay upbeat all weekend. I asked him friday if he was going out again. He said he was thinking about it and that he was also thinking about taking me out on saturday night. I went took my kids out to eat friday night with my parents, then did a little shopping because I surely didnt want to sit at home doing nothing while he was enjoying himslef. Well, he went out on Friday night, was home by 12:30 which was early for him. Saturday he wasnt around too much. He worked then took a rescue call. I cooked and cleaned most of the day. We had a church dinner sunday so I cooked for it and also did some other cooking. Seemed I ate most of the day. He didnt mention anything about taking me out and I didnt want to bring it up. Actually I didnt really want to go anywhere with him to be honest. Well, about 10 min to seven that night he said to the kids in front of me that me and him were going out to eat at 7! I was like...NO, he lets me know 10 minutes before hand that we are going out to eat and IM paying!! and the kids were going to be staying at home alone on a saturday night! I have a 14 yr old and a 9 year old, Now my 14 yr old is old enough to babysit, but I dont usually leave them alone at night. She has anxiety issues and anything could freak her out at night! And we would be an hour away. I told him I didnt really wanna go and that i was not hungry after snacking most of the day, not knowing we were seriously going out. He said It didnt matter to him. SO we didnt go.
I have no desire to be around him at all. He is always in a bad mood! I dont even want to be intimate with him. Its not the same.
I sat and watched behind him texting people yesterday, he didnt know I was looking...wish my eyesight was better I could only see who he was texting and his replys which didnt tell me much. But then he got a text, took his phone out of his pocket and when he saw me, he put it back in his pocket way too quick! Talk about suspicious!
I cant trust him at all. I try to act like nothing is wrong...I go about my day to day stuff trying my hardest to be upbeat! wow, that is a test for sure when Im around him!
Today he is in a mood.
I offered to do something to help him out with his paper route that we do together...he said I didnt have to, but I told him I want to help, that it helps pay for my truck payment every month too, so its partly my job as well as his....his reply was "yea ok". Then he said I must not be too busy this am, and then wanted to know if I was at work. When I answered him all I got back was "k" which means he is in a mood. I decided to be polite and not respond to his texts the way he wanted me to. I just sent him one that said It seemed like he was having a bad morning that I hoped he had a good day and that it got better. He responded with "maybe"
I wonder is he feeling guilty at all for anything. Maybe even the way Im still being as loving as I could be to him even when he is so mean to me. Or is his conscience bothering him. I dont know. Need to quit analyzing all of this. I Have tried to give it to God the best i know how.
I heard the other day when you pray for patience, strength, courage, God doesnt give you those things, he gives you trials to be able to use those things. I dont know if that makes sense or not, but I really have been getting the tests and trials to use my patience and strength!
I will try to remain up beat today!! I hate that Im feeling so much detachment from him though. I feel if he left now, I wouldnt really care. I dont like him anymore and the loving feelings I have held onto for so long seem to be slipping away for this man. He isnt the man I loved at all. I miss my old H.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Last night I finally had it with my H. I didnt like his attitude at all. He had been ill with me all day and I just couldnt take it anymore. He came home after therapy...said he werent hungry, didnt want to eat. He asked if I had paid a couple of bills for him today. I said yes. I had also brought home something from work that I wanted to finish...then he asked what I had done all day...I preceeded to tell him then he cut me off half way and said "nevermind, I dont wanna hear it". I asked why not, he said it was p*ssing him off the more I talked! I told him that I didnt appreciate that. He just stood there...asked me what was wrong with ME!! I told him that I was tired of him treating me that way...WHAT WAY, he said...Just told him that everything I do seemed to p him off! He said "not everything". I told him I just didnt understand why he was so mad at me when I had done several things today, went out of my way, to help him out. WELL, he replyed "maybe you dont need to understand why it p*ssed me off...YET". OK, what does the YET mean????
He said he was going riding, either to the fire or ems building...I then said that i didnt really care where he went! I think that caught him off guard. I think all of it caught him off guard! I usually just keep my mouth shut and let him be...but Id had enough of his attitude.
He left...called me 10 minutes later....told me to have the kids call his stepmom..it was her bday. Then he wanted to know what was wrong with me. He then accused me of stayin on the computer all day at work and that I shouldnt have had to brought my work home with me! I lost it again, told him that I DO NOT stay on the computer all day at work, and anyway If I wanted to, I COULD, Im the boss!!
I was so angry at him! I was silent on the phone for a few minutes..he said that I better say something...I told him that I had nothing else to say. He told me that we would finish the conversation when he got back home.
When he did come home, I was asleep, so we didnt get to finish talking. He did text before he came home and asked if I was still mad.
You know the good thing for me?? Everytime in the past when this kind of thing would happen..I would be in the bathroom floor balling my eyes out thinking my world was ending! NOT THIS TIME~
This morning I only saw him briefly. I was polite...fixed him his lunch, and even kissed him on the cheek. Im not a cold unforgiving person. I love him. Just DO NOT like him at all.
His sister called me this morning. She asked how things were going with us. Told her same old stuff. She kindly told me that I was so much better off without him, that he was immature and would never grow up. That I deserved better. She said that I should have never let him get away with all that he has done.
Wonder what today will bring.
I wish I knew what happened to put him in this mood yesterday.
DOes he not trust me? Does he think I sit on the computer and talk to guys or something??? He does not know me at all.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I could only see who he was texting and his replys which didnt tell me much. But then he got a text, took his phone out of his pocket and when he saw me, he put it back in his pocket way too quick! Talk about suspicious!