Thanks again Punkin. To you and all the other posters; thank you. I am so grateful to you all for your valuable insights. Your wisdom has been a real blessing for me and given me cause for lots of reflection. I haven't reached any firm decisions at this stage.........
Firstly, H and I have only had reconnection of any value in the last 3 months. It has been a huge progression and the best relationship we have had in 3 years. I've experienced a million touch and goes over 3 years and this is the only time that he has been calm and rational and almost like his past self. Much earlier I said on this thread that it was cake eating and that I recognised this but I was prepared to take this risk for a while, at least until we had established some connection. On a purely practical level H's support for me in the house and with D have also been helpful. His growing interest and care in our children, his family and mine is also positive. Tonight he initiated a skype to check how my dad was after minor surgery.
My issue was that I got caught on expectations and I expected a certain level of behaviour and I felt hurt and let down by his failure to reach this level. It's basic respect stuff but he's only re-learning this stuff- basic respect 101. I'm miles ahead of him. This incident prompted negativity in me and fuelled by the advice of a friend I started to feel duped. I started to see myself in this same place 5 years on with ow hovering in the background. I started feeling sorry for myself. Understandable but pathetic.
I've had time to think........I don't want to be feeling sorry for myself. I can draw a line in the sand. I can pull the pin on this at anytime I feel like it. I have the power to walk away whenever I want to. When I started to think like this I felt more empowered. H knows ow causes me pain. I've told him. I don't think H is trying to hurt me. He has been through several stages with ow and I know she is still around and involved but to a much lesser degree than before. His relationship with her cannot be too wonderful if he's spending all this time with me. I don't know why he invited her to the family dinner. Perhaps it was just that he wanted to be with her but perhaps he needed her for company with his B and SIL. Perhaps she was the sign to them that he had made the right decision in leaving me. Perhaps, perhaps....who cares, really. This is something I don't like but I can't control.
I haven't decided what to say or do at this time. What I do know is that reacting like I did was not helpful.
I am pulling back for now and I will let him initiate further contact until I am confident that setting a boundary is right for this situation. I should also be much more direct in future so that I know exactly where I stand. If he tries to postpone I will ask why and if it is for ow I will cancel but not postpone.
If I feel fed up I know I can say stop at anytime and I will use GAG's words from Jody. I do plan on calling db coach Joanne again to hear her perspective. Initially, she told me to forget about ow and to move on doing whatever I could to bring H closer. That advice may be different now.
Today I confided some of this stuff to my mother and to my surprise she said, "I have been thinking about H quite a bit lately. While I am not happy with what's happened, life's too short and if I saw him now I would speak with him." She told me that I was strong enough to help him and that I was in charge. She was right. I am strong. I'm in charge. With or without H I will survive.
So... for now I need to sit back and wait and reflect. Something will happen in the next weeks that will tell me what direction I need to take. In the meantime I need to GAL like I was when H and I were not communicating. I need not be as available to him and use this time to show him I am a wonderful person.
