Change is in the air........

[goodattitudegirl]

Thanks Seeking, snodderly, punkin, Cas, Mila, and warrior,

I have been reading along and you have given me very wise counsel!

Seeking, the reason I thought that BMF would discourage a R between XH and me is because BMF is very immature and possessive.......and XH put money in his will for BMF (a sizable amount) in the past, but when we married XH decreased that amount by 60%. I've always sensed jealousy from BMF.

Punkin, what you said about your issue with identity theft made a big impression on me. You and snodderly gave me good advice. I decided that talking to the police about this would be a waste of time. I found a local forensic handwriting expert online (she has a very good bio) and spoke with her today. She told me how to preserve the evidence. I have an appointment with her next thursday. She also gave me the name and phone number of a forensic scientist with our state's Bureau of Criminal Apprehension who does consulting on the side. I will contact him as well.

I have done less well with limiting the number of people whom I've told about this. On my sister's advice I talked to BMF's X-GF (long dyed blonde hair) over the weekend) to see what kind of reaction she would give me. Based on her reaction I really don't think she sent the package. She and XH weren't very fond of one another, so I know they wouldn't be dating on the sly. In fact, BMF's X-GF had some objects that BMF held in his hands last spring. She bagged them in ziplock baggies and brought them to my house so I can use them for the forensic analysis.

Cas, I feel safe right now, but my sister keeps warning me to look over my shoulder.

Mila, think you may be right that this came from a woman. I spent 4 hours with XH tonight. We played table tennis for 2 hours (good exercise and some fun --- I kept trying to put balls into XH's pockets to flirt with him like Jody suggested), then XH took me to a neighborhood restaurant for a birthday drink. We stayed 2 hours. I have been feeling a bit like this is the end game for me and also thinking about Jody's advice from our last session in July that if I wanted to move the R forward, I needed to disclose more intimate information.

Jody and I had decided that when I had the opportunity I would tell XH that some of my friends and work colleagues didn't understand how XH and I could be friends after what we'd gone through. Told him that there wasn't really a word to describe the kind of R that we have. Told him that we don't have to worry what other people think about our R since we're living our own lives (I could see by the look in his eyes that this registered with him). Jody had suggested saying this in order to frame our R in a way that would give XH permission to continue to be friends with me. I asked XH if he knew of any couples that had D that had the type of friendly R that we have. He said that he had to admit that he didn't.

I said that Rs are good to help us grow. That we learn a lot by bumping against people in Rs. Said that I had learned things from our R and that I was grateful for that. Told him that one of the things I am working on currently is reducing my stress level. Said that I knew that while we were living together that when I got stressed he felt as though I was angry with him, even though I wasn't. Said I was working on reducing stress in my life. Didn't want the next person to feel that way. I could see the look of recognition in his eyes. The entire evening with him was very friendly and unguarded.

XH was talking to me about his life (friends and business) in a somewhat more intimate tone, so I decided to disclose some of my struggles to XH. Told him about my work struggles last spring (in a positive way, told him the work change was good), needing to cut down a 100 year old tree in the middle of the patio (we both LOVED that tree!), I told him that I had stumbled upon the username that his BMF uses on dating sites and that I had seen several of BMF's posts (and told him how he could see these himself)........AND........about the package. I described the package to him and told him about the long dyed blonde hair taped to the front of the package. Asked if he knew anyone with hair like that who might send me a package like that. He said that he had been dating a woman named (OW#2 --- the name he said was the person I suspected after seeing her photo on his FB page last week --- I knew she had long blonde hair) who had long dyed blonde hair, but that he had broken up with her 2 weeks ago because she wanted to get M (best I can tell, they'd only been dating about 6 months). She contacted him again 3 days ago, saying she had decided she was OK with not getting M, and they went biking together.

Whatever you are saying/doing to get this type of package in the mail, suggests to me you are doing something right.

warrior, yes, tonight XH told me that OW#2 felt threatened that he and I were still in contact, even though he said she didn't really know the extent to which we were in contact. I asked XH if he had any of OW#2's hair or fingerprints at his house and asked if he would give them to me for forensic testing. He said that he thought he had some hair for sure. I told him that OW#2 might be a bunny boiler and laughed (my bad, but I deserved this!) I think XH might be thinking the same. He seemed very protective of me when I told him about the package. Said he would also tell BMF about the package in person to watch for his reaction. Also said that BMF and he had settled their differences but their R would never be the same (not as close) because he can't condone all of BMF's bad behavior and a lot of his friends have been asking why he continues to be friends with BMF.

As we walked out of the restaurant to our cars, I was a bit buzzed (2 drinks on an empty stomach) and said to XH, I always thought that the problems we had were very solvable. He nodded and agreed in a receptive way. When we got to our cars, we hugged and said goodnight. All in all, a very friendly, and intimate evening.

GAG