For NO reason I could understand, I got drawn into this thread, and was really surprised to read what you're going through.....and I know how you feel; different situation, SAME kind of deal.
You've raised a POSSIBILITY of what can happen after the exit from the tunnel of MLC; it can't simply be ignored and glossed over, least of all by me, who is/has been dealing with a similar situation.
This is a VERY real possibility. Doesn't mean that everyone will deal in this way, but it is good to know, just in case.
Just so everyone knows who is reading this, I did NOT know beforehand this could happen....I never got everything in one sitting; it trickled down over the years. To know TOO much at one time, is to risk a LBS bolting and running away.
Jennifer, don't feel alone. I'd always wondered if anyone else had experienced what I have been experiencing for the past 6 years; what you describe is very similar to what my husband did 1 year and 10 months after he exited the tunnel.
He exited in late 2002, I went on into my transition; and things had seemed to be fine to begin with; we were rebuilding steadily, and our journeys, as a result of his crisis finished within weeks of each other.
But in September of 2004, something happened; there appeared to be a "going back" to what was; and he seemed to be going backward instead of forward.
At first I was at a loss, then my transition kicked into forward gear; and I went deep into it for 6 years; facing ALL I needed to face within myself.
Some things I remember, some things I don't; but when I came out completely, after completing the settling down process in late 2008/early 2009, I knew something was wrong; things definitely weren't as I'd left them; and my husband was in full rebellion.
Against what or who, I wasn't sure to begin with. Truthfully, I was puzzled, and when I prayed about it, the Lord began to open my understanding, somewhat, but I was having trouble comprehending what I was seeing.
I understood that this was NOT supposed to happen, but it did.
I searched myself first to see if it was something I needed to do, and concluded that it was NOT...it was HIM, not me.
Still, I prayed about it, getting part of the answer here, but more of it, as I opened myself to a greater understanding.
I felt like a guinea pig in a mad experiment, but it was what it was, and it is what it is, now.
I have come to understand in the past few months that it is not ONLY important to simply face the straightforward issues of the MLC tunnel; the MLC'er must also face the aspects, as well...and if ANY issues are "left over" coming out; a person is thrown into a different kind of tunnel; NOT the same one.
This is not an extension of MLC by any means, no matter what anyone might argue.
It is ENTIRELY possible to come through with an emotional block; that creates this left over issue or issues after trying to go through the settling down process and failing.
This did NOT happen to me, because during my transition I faced EVERYTHING; and nothing was left to chance; so, I didn't do this
This does NOT mean his processing was interrupted; on the contrary; it means that he is forced to face these additional issues that were NOT faced during the initial MLC; CONTINUING to process through...depending upon the severity of these "left over" issues/issue; it can go on for a number of weeks, months or even years.
Again, it is up to the person going through this extended period of time.
That is why your husband is NOT blaming you this time; though he questions his feelings for you. He had ALREADY faced what he'd had to face in regards to making a firm decision to stay with his marriage, job, life, etc.....so, he DOES know this is HIM and not you.
He's very frightened, looking at you for help; as he's seeing this in a reality he'd never seen it in before; and it's good that he's going for help.
All you can do is ride this out with him; you have NOTHING else you need to learn; you can only continue to rely on the lessons you learned during his time within the MLC tunnel.
IF he tries to connect with another woman through an EA; do NOT allow him to do this; this is NOT the same crisis he went through before, and you have MORE power than you had previously.
You do NOT have to back away from him like you did before...it truly IS different in this type of go around.
Sure, he could leave any time he wanted to, notwithstanding....yet, your help is important to him; you're his wife, still his stanchion, just like before.
It would be perfectly acceptable to come down hard on him, drawing a firm line on any kind of bad behavior that he exhibits.
Different rules apply here, because they are even MORE aware of what they are doing during this period of time; their awareness is clear, NOT foggy. Just so you know.
The reason I say this these things; I had to break up an EA during that time; and I had to constantly stay on him, making him do what was right by me; and I KNEW with a certainty that he KNEW exactly what he was doing.
When he argued, there was NONE of the crazymaking or spewing they do within the MLC....he sounded like a man that KNEW exactly what he was about; and he got quite upset with me, but went no farther, except to do what I actually demanded of him.
He was trying to act like he wasn't married; much like a WAS; and I treated him like a WAS; taking NO crap from him.
Hey, this was war, and I was taking NO prisoners; it was all or death...which way it went, didn't matter to me.
I ALMOST made him leave; because the Lord had indicated this might be a possibility; yet, it didn't happen. I was paying ALL the bills, while he was going through his money like crazy After I came down on him very hard about not pulling his weight once again, and he saw that I meant business, he started falling in line within that area.
He was ignoring my boundaries, in full rebellion, so I had to become a very harsh person, totally against my nature...to get through to him....and I did, a little at a time; especially in the months before he broke his ankle. THAT got his attention, moved him forward, and by now, he's coming on out; the changes are ones I'd seen before when he'd exited the tunnel in late 2002. Before it was all over with, he was seeing me as "Mom", and you would NOT believe the tattling he was doing on our son; trying to cause trouble.
Some of it, I missed, as I was going through my transition, but some of it, I had to deal with in an ongoing sort of way.
It really does look like the tunnel all over again, but with a different set of rules this go around.
Believe me, I have been there; and am just now watching my husband come through this different type of tunnel as we speak.
His leftover issue was his parents divorce when he was 7, and that 7 year old child made an appearance; staying out front while the man hid from me, as the man didn't know what to do.
My boundaries were hard as a rock, and I was NOT afraid he would leave....intuitively, I knew he would NOT.
I didn't let any grass grow under my feet when my husband did things I didn't like....I went right after him.
As each person is different each extended time to face missed issues is different; and as long as your husband is getting help; I'd simply keep an eye on him.
This is a different kind of running away than he did before; and the handling of this would be different.
Quite honestly, I'd hoped I would be the only one who'd had to deal with this, and I'm sorry you're having to deal in this way.
You're not in the wrong place; there's just a lack of information, regarding something like this happening.
I'd honestly hoped I would not have to bring this out; but I couldn't make you think you were all alone...you're not.
As a matter of fact, there's NOTHING in the way of research on this extended time that can happen; believe me, I had looked to see BEFORE I came here back in February.
All I know is what I've dealt with in the past 6 years.
I fully realize what I'm outlining from the recent past, seems to be worse than what you are dealing with currently, but ones that deal and have dealt with this extended time know it carries it's own brand of h-e-double hockey sticks...and is NO easier to deal with.
Initially, I came back here because of that....and ended up advising on MLC once again.
No worries, though; we'll make it through this, and get back on track in time.
There, you have it; HB came back with a few issues occurring AFTER the initial tunnel..did this mean I failed? NO, I did NOT fail; I took the journey, made the changes, did all I was supposed to do.
I was successful as an individual, in spite of what happened afterward.
But I was NEVER to blame; it was MY husband that failed to face everything at one time, not me.
I'm still with him; and I guess that says something for me; but in NO way does it say that I'm weak; not at all.
It takes MORE strength to stand, than it does to walk away, and I will tell you all one more thing; I was and STILL am a STANDER; not because I'm "addicted" to my husband, but because I chose to continue to honor my vows that I took over 25 years ago, now.
Those vows include "for better OR for worse"; I've never forgotten that.
Only God knows what the future holds, and though I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I trust HIM with my life.
I know with a certainty that ALL things happen for a reason. I may not understand that reason, but again, what I don't understand, I will lay at His feet to contend with.
Hang in there, Jennifer; the road is sometimes very long, but know that God continues to be there; and He works within the background.
Don't give up; there's still hope as long as you love your husband, and are willing to help him through once again.
I will bookmark this thread, looking in on you, as I can.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
