How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[amg2]

. Divorced or standing, I would be in the same place right now. I can D anytime.

I think that part of my current "situation" is that this was true for me, until recently. I'm not sure it's true any more, and it now feels like I'm holding vigil. I'm no longer willing to make choices (i.e. being single) based on a marriage that doesn't exist. And I won't disrespect my marriage by seeing people while we're married so at some point...something must change. I certainly don't need to run out and get married again or something, but I have been and am doing my "inner work" and do feel I'm good relationship material, and it would be nice to have someone to be close to. I no longer NEED that. But I would LIKE that. That is a difference in me since all of the MLC problems started.

Thanks

[Truegritter]

"Our M doesn't entitle us to anything. We are not entitled to anything from our spouses."

What then are marriage vows? Don't they entitle us to expect respect and honesty and love?

Webster def:

entitlement- belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges

We trust our spouse to be true to their vows. We have faith they will love us and be honest.

Not a guarantee. Not a right.

BUT

You cannot control another can you?

The only thing you control is you. Give what you give. Love as you would love.

For me that means express what you are and what your vows mean to you.

Not in reaction to what you are NOT getting at the moment.

Place your faith in yourself.

[amg2]

My H sure seems to have a sense of "entitlement" when it comes to keeping me in his life while he fulfills NONE of his marital vows and and disrespects himself and our marriage.

As a matter of fact I think he's had a sense of "entitlement" about many things over the years I have known him. But love is blind so...

[Truegritter]

That is why we say he has to learn his lessons on his time and you in yours...

Amg this process of looking hard at your spouse and the things they do is normal...

Don't be afraid of it...

...and it is another part of journey that I can say for me I had to push through to find myself.

And truly heal and let go.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't love or even still want our M.

It is letting go of the other person knowing they are on their own journey and at this point it has nothing to do with you.

so for me this process

But love is blind so...

opened my eyes to what love really means.

Keep going forward amg.

[dolphin_05]

amg and true, when I read your convo it reminded me of this quote;

" Real love begins only when one person comes to know another for who he or she really is as a human being and begins to care and like that human being." (John Sanford)

Enjoy the weekend,

Cas

[amg2]

I don't feel like my H knows who he is at this point. I certainly don't know who he is. But the person he's ACTING like (which isn't who I think he is) is someone I certainly DON'T like. Someone I don't even want to hear from. Or see. Much less "be with".

Anyone else out there felt like I do? Like they never thought they would? DONE? FRIED? I texted H last night (suddenly and without much forthought) that I wanted him to sign over ownership of our house to me (he had said early on he'd do this). I see the house as a separate issue from D, but no one else I talk to does. At first he said he'd sign over the deed, then he backpedaled and started saying "we need to have an adult conversation" and that we needed to speak in person and that he didn't want to "get divorced by text".

I literally cannot stand the thought of having a serious conversation with him. I can't do it. I won't do it. There's been 8 months for that and he's had nothing to say. No reason to do it now.

Is this wrong? Bad? Advice?

[amg2]

I really just want to disappear from "the situation". Disappear from his life. Erase him from mine. Whatever the right way to say it is.

I guess I should go NO CONTACT for a month like I originally said, and shut up about it. I'm a bit stressed, as evidenced by my posts.

Thank you

[WhatNow]

amg, I'm with you!

sick and tired of being sick and tired.

NC is the way to go.

I believe your H is not doing this TO YOU. You are taking it all way too personally. What he is going through has very little to do with you, even though you are bearing the brunt of the fallout. You need to get out of the way!

I do not want anything to do with the person my H has become....the total opposite of the man i marries and have known for almost 25 years. I also know this is the nature of covert depression, MLC, andropause, however you wish to label it. So I stand. I live my life knowing someday he will come out of this. When that happens, I want to be around to see who he has become. Most of the stories I have read, say they come out better than they were before it began!

Riding the rollercoaster with him will leave you feeling just as crazy as he is.

Tell him in a language he will understand (if there is one!)
"I will not have a relationship with you until you become an appropriate husband" should work. Then you will have some time to get your power back and get on with your life.

A few warnings...don't go NC to get him to change or to punish him. It won't work. All you can expect is time. Time to regain some peace, to focus on you and not worry what he is up to.

[amg2]

Thank you WhatNow. If I go NC, do I quit returning all calls and texts? I mean, the words "no contact" seem pretty easy to understand. I'm definitely not doing this to get a rise out of him or punish him. I am upset now by MY FEELINGS of wanting OUT. OUUUUT.

So do I go NC and then say "I won't have a relationship with you unless..."? Or say it and then go NC?

I don't think he knows wht he wants D wise. But he definitely thinks I'm "waiting" for him, which drives me NUTS.

I know this is a dumb question, but asking anyway, am I allowed to date during any of this? Does anyone ever do that?

Thank you for your help.

[PEI]

amg,

You are an adult and as such no one is going to tell you if you are "allowed" to date. That being said, if you are standing for your marriage then I would say don't do it. I would also examine your motives for wanting to date ... are you just trying to prove to him that you are NOT "waiting for him"?

You don't need to verbalize your boundary with H. You can go no contact and then if/when he asks you, you can make the statement and leave it at that. Actions not words.

Peace
PEI