I just finally got caught up and I can't believe the things he said to you, well, I can, because they all need to place the blame somewhere, not on themselves for their actions, so he lays it on you. And great for you for sticking up for yourself, I think that is wonderful!
Next time he starts in on you, tell him you won't let him speak to you that way, come up with some statement that feels right to you so you are ready for it.
I don't think you loved him too much, you did and behaved how many wives behave all across the world, and they are still married. And everything you wrote about him being busy, not attending functions, those could have been words out of my mouth. And maybe we did give a bit too much to our families and not preserve ourselves, but that can be rectified, and not to win them back, but to win our own self-worth back.
If you do it just for him, clean the house, dress nice, you are going to end up walking on eggshells and that sucks too. There is a great DB adage, and I'm sure you have read it, but believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does. He isn't the H you married, he is the alien-H. Old H may come back, mine did 7 years ago and he was better than ever for many of those years. And you know, when you finally detach, when you finally feel that you can do this alone, that is when they start sniffing around again. Do things that make you smile, not anyone else!
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
I have not heard from you in a while so I thought I would check-up on you. I hope things are going well. Believe it or not I am doing pretty good. It is important to detach and I guess I was farther along than I thought. I probably should thank my W in an odd way. By her going dark for 10 weeks I naturally started to detach as well.
Just know that there is a big community here thinking about you and your family.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Thanks all of you. My internet connection was on the blink for a while, so I wasn't able to post. I'm alright; I have good and bad moments. I'm hoping to spend moments when the situation is totally out of my mind, but have not been able to as yet. It's always there, it seems to define me, somehow, it colours my every waking moment. However, I can feel better than I did. Some of my natural good humour and optimism are coming back. I do spend some moments feeling great waves of jealousy, loss and negative feelings about the future. I let them wash over me (prayer helps) and eventually manage to come out the other end. I must retain some hope and positive feelings, otherwise I might as well give up.
My H was 'free' this w-end (kids with me) and we had no news of him, neither myself nor the children. I spent a few rough times imagining him sowing his not-so-wild oats ( well, the cultivated variety, actually) with every free young lady in the district. The OW seems to be a thing of the past, but he shows no sign of coming home. Early days yet, I suppose. He did say, back in August in a fit of 'pique' that he "wasn't counting on remaining single", but more recently he said he just wanted time and was giving me another "chance" to make some changes. I know, I'm only to believe half of what I see and none of what I hear.
I have set out boundaries and don't contact him. I'm getting on with life and getting organized on my own. I go to work and try to concentrate and do it well, but I feel distant from it this year. Will shortly start art classes and go to the gym regularly, to get my middle back in shape and boost my confidence. But I feel I've made life too comfy for him. With one notable exception, I haven't been angry, just seen my own faults. I did on that one occasion stand up for myself, and have hardly set eyes on him since. He's avoided all contact and so have I, just text messages concerning children. All this is letting him off the hook, rather. Apart from the fact that one of his kids won't speak to him and the others prefer here, no-one is standing in his way. On the one hand, that allows him to see that his p'blems don't stem from me, gives him "time" to think. On the other hand, who's to say he's not just waiting for the dust to settle, everyone to accept what's happened and life to go on with him foot-loose and free. I've no guarantee he'll want to come back later (he's evoked this possibility on several occasions, but just to stall me?).
I'm detaching, though. And all the anger is coming up inside me now. I sometimes even wonder if I could bear to be close to him again or even want to. I wasn't angry before, it's a stage and I'm in it now. Of course I still want to DB, but not at any cost.
We would need to talk, without the kids. This current texting with"I'm leaving now, kids are dressed" or " I'm home at 19H" is fine, but there's a lack of communication. He never meets me. How long is "time"? How big is "freedom".When should I start demanding we talk and try to work on an M? Torn between patience and a certain amount of anxiety. Thanks for all the sterling advice, all of you. Must go catch up on your posts. NotCrackingUp
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Great to hear from you. I see that you are making progress in detaching...it is the most important thing that you can do for yourself. I still think that it is time to get a L involved and set boundaries and visitation for the kids. I think your bullying H is taking advantage of you. I know you love your kids, but you also need to love yourself and that is by doing GAL...and you need "you time" for that.
When should I start demanding we talk and try to work on an M?
Never.
You can't force H to want to be married to you. You can't force him to change his feelings.
Acknowledge and accept the fact that this is how he feels right now. No, it's not fair. But that's life. You cannot control H. You can only control your own actions.
If you were truly detaching then you wouldn't be focusing on what H is doing and how to make him come back.
There ARE consequences to his actions IF you allow him to face them. Have you set up a formal visitation schedule yet? Since it was your weekend with the kids last does that mean he will be solely responsible for them this weekend?
The best thing you can do right now is to give him what he wants. Show him what life will be like if you divorce. Do not act like a wife towards him. Let him be a single parent. Stop making life comfy for him. Retain a L and make sure you protect yourself financially and legally. I don't remember if he's still living with the family. If so, it's time he found a new place to live. Rearrange the house to suit your needs/wants.
Don't wallow. Something that helped me was to set aside 10 minutes where I could be angry and scream or cry or whatever, then when it was over I would move on to doing something else to get my mind off the situation.
Get going on GAL! It's not something to get to when you have the time, it's important to do now. It will take your mind off things and let you have some fun. Plus you can meet new people and create some memories on your own that don't involve your H.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
You speak about formal visitation schedules: we have hit on an arrangement which suits his working hours (evenings 'till late, weekend mornings etc.).I leave the house early as school is not nearby, but am home by six in the evening and don't work on wednesday. He comes every morning to take them to school, and has them at his place 5 full days out of 14. So I always have one daughter with me ( the oldest, who won't go to him) and have all three more often than he does. This suits me, I love being with the kids, their home is here, they've got space outside to play here etc. However, he's freer than I am. If he decides to date the OW or move on to someone else, he's got room to manoeuvre, whereas I'd always have to get a sitter if I wanted to start dating or just going out for the night. That's life. I could go to a solicitor and demand legal separation, enforceable visitation rights and every second week free. However, I see him as a lot less cock-sure lately, think the OW hasn't stayed the course, see him as fragile and volatile. Waving lawyers at him COULD bring him to his "senses", but could also make him dig in the heels, solidify his handy "vision" of me as a virago and a nuisance. Could go either way, and I still love him enough not to want to start gambling with outcomes. Yes, that leaves me in Limbo and I won't stay there indefinitely, but I'm prepared to live there for the present if it can help my M work.
My H was a man very close to his mother, brother and three sisters. At the moment and since July, in fact, he's had no contact with ANY of them, beyond a few terse words when he runs into one of them and can't avoid contact.
He parks his car behind the house when he comes, where it can't be seen by his mother (my nearest neighbour, across our front yard). He thus arrives and leaves by the back door, unseen by neighbours.
In May and June and even later, more recently, he was angry at me all of the time, contemptuous, critical. He couldn't bear to be near me, had been burying himself in work to get away from me, had had an affair because I was too uptight and a useless wife, couldn't keep house, dress nicely, make love correctly, you name it. His attacks were very cruel and personal.I did think about what went wrong on my end of the relationship. I've been trying to improve the NCU formula (new, improved, smells fresh and washes whiter...).Trying to do u-turns on aspects of my behaviour that needed addressing. I've blamed myself, then realized that I'm not to blame.
For a long time, he was on his high horse and I was grovelling and needy, afraid to lose him (ha, ha!).He was so in the RIGHT,and everyone else had the wrong end of the stick.
Lately, I've been trying to organize my life differently, find once more the girl I lost when I became his "housewife". That and this community (posting, reading, exchanges etc.) have helped me. Also prayer and determination.
And he's changing too. He's ensconced in his flat, but often texts me. Ostensibly about children, but not always. I don't call unles there's an emergency and don't answer his texts. When I see him, he's much pleasanter and even asks about life and school. I give him just the bare answer -it's ok, I'm fine and ask no questions in return. I'm not cold, just usually in a hurry to be elsewhere. Friendly but busy.
When he comes in the morning, I've left. But when I get home, I find he's been into my room (our room) and opened the windows and turned down the quilt on the bed.He's got no need to go in there, he never gave a damn in the past if the room or bed were aired. Strange.
He often spends time here when the kids and I are at work/school. Part of me sees this as unfair - I can't do a Goldilocks in his new flat. Yet, coupled with ambivalent behaviour and a loss of arrogance, I'm willing to see it as pangs of regret.So i'm not getting stroppy and telling him to stop snooping around. He used not look at me or smile. Now he's looking and smiling, timidly.
I shouldn't get hopes up. I've started new activities and a self-and-home improvement campaign. I'm starting to notice that there are other fish in the sea, and who would be glad of my company. I don't intend to give up on him, but now I realize that I won't wait forever. So I'm still hopeful of a good outcome, but I now feel life will go on, whatever happens.
It mightn't be real detachment, but it feels better.
NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
It looks like the starch is fading out of your H shorts. I am glad that you two have made arrangements for the kids so that you have time to GAL. However, I would never let my spouse run free in my house. I finally told my W that I wanted the keys to my house about 4 weeks after she left. By then she had moved about 95% of her stuff out.
Pinhead stressed to me and I am stressing to you detach detach detach!!! Your H is probably having a little buyers remorse right now and is willing to fall back on you. And as long as he knows that he can get you any time he won't come back. You want him to pursue you so don't make yourself so available to his advances or accept as factual his appearance of "change". His past arrogant behavior towards you will take more than weeks to correct.
Hmm...maybe parts of the fog are lifting. Certainly sounds like some of the shine is being taken off his new life. Rarely are their lives as satisfactory as they would project. But remember, just notice these things and file them away. Don't analyze too much. He may be coming out or it may be a phase.
BUT, I think you are getting the hang of putting the focus on yourself now. Excellent job with the new activities and home improvement. Good for YOU and shows him that life goes on. Detachment takes a while. Keep your head up.
I heart what HIH said. Let your H come to you. Don't backslide!!!
