New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Carlos,

Great to hear from you again. Thanks for your insight on detaching. I'll hopefully see my boys again during the first week of OCT. I have 3 days that I'll use to drive up to ID and see them. Already gave my W a heads-up. Hopefully it will be as smooth as this last time during Labor day weekend when I drove up there to see them for 2 days.

I understand the principle behind detaching. I realize it's not always easy to do, but it can help if it's done correctly. I understand it really is designed to help ME and accept ANY outcome in my situation. The focus is less on the W and more on finding myself again. I think that's how most of you, Coach, Michelle, and you Carlos, have framed it.

I am not sure if I have truly detached. I definitely don't call my W as often as I used to. I really try to focus on the boys. I try my best to GAL. I don't feel the need to hang on to everything my W says on the phone. Yet, I know I still fall under the trap of trying at times to read her mind or analyze what she implied with this or that comment.

I still have a lot more to do, I guess. Thanks again for the insight Carlos.

JR

[pookie69]

The funny thing is that detachment also works in a healthy relationship - it's that ability to be yourself and allow another person to be genuine to herself - it's a giving up of any effort to control another person - even if that control just comes in the guise of expectations and desires that another person see things our way.

Very well put. Remembering this will prevent successful DB'ers ending up back here again.

[MichelleLT]

I think Coach and Carlos put it clearer than I did.

That's why you have to have that outside life.

Part of the process is getting back in touch with yourself, finding your center, learning better coping mechanisms, and learning to laugh again.

You said that your son said you have found your sense of humor. Keep building on that! Casual, nothing intended flirting is a great way to both build confidence and have fun.

It was funny, I was at drill this last weekend and one of the mental health coordinators came by. He was talking about the Vet Centers and how great they are cuz unlike the VA it's confidential. But almost every man in the waiting room is sitting next to either his wife, girlfriend, or mother and he's there because they've gotten sick of putting up with his PTSD and dragged him in kicking and screaming. LOL.

[JR09]

I'm working on it. I really am. Kinda like a rebirth, right, Michelle? After all the gloom and doom, it's really time to get out of it or else it will drag you down like a freight train. Like someone said: embrace the suck, then rise above it.

Hey that guy at the Vet center probably needs to get in touch ASAP with his inner self or else his W will become a WAS!!!

Thanks Michelle.

JR

[JR09]

Had a good GAL day today. Had lunch with two older ladies who work with me, then reunited with a fellow officer who just left the Army and now lives a peaceful life with his wife. It's great to be with people. My trip to UT will happen next THU. I'm excited. Already told the boys I'm coming up after my conference. I have four days to spare in ID.

Anyway...I'm doing OK.

JR

[pinhead]

Cool, another visit with the sons! They'll be pumped for that.

[MichelleLT]

Glad you get to see them so soon! I'm sure they're so happy about that.

Keep up the GAL. Keep focusing on your kids.

And keep brainstorming ways to shake up the status quo.

[JR09]

I had a great GAL activity last night. Went to the wedding of a fellow officer and had a great time mingling with the people, renewing old friendships, making new ones, joking, enjoying the festive atmosphere. I even was asked twice to dance by the groom's mom and this other older lady!

I just had a lot of fun. I haven't danced in YEARS. I actually was just looking at the people dancing til these two ladies dragged me on the dance floor...That was a real 180 for me. I almost declined but thought "oh what the heck, let's have fun".

I drove home thinking "If my W could only have seen me tonight, she wouldn't have believed her eyes. This guy actually danced!"
It felt good just enjoying myself. This GAL truly showcased the new me, the new mindset. I thought it was OK to have fun, to be HAPPY for a change. Made me forget what I've been going through for the past two years, even for 4 hours. it was great. I thought for a minute it would have been great to have my W at the wedding and have fun together...One day maybe...

JR

[MichelleLT]

Fun fun! Those escapes are so great and necessary.

I took ballroom lessons for a while and also learned some line dancing. Dance can be great fun, and a great way to meet people.

It's not the moments in our lives, it's the life in our moments.

[JR09]

I called the boys this evening to chit chat as always. They are doing well. I'll see them in about a week. W knows about it. She just said it is still a school week so I will probably be able to link up with the boys in the evening, at least during school days. It still should be a lot of fun!

I also talked with W and told her I was starting the process of leaving active duty. I explained to her what I needed to settle before leaving CO. I asked her which furniture item and other odds and ends she wants to have sent to her parents, etc...

Then I brought up the issue of divorce. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. Michelle, you talked about ways to shake up the status quo. Well, I mentioned divorce this evening by telling W that she can go ahead and file when she's ready so I can close out this chapter and move on. W didn't say a word when I said that. She didn't even approve or disapprove. No reaction from her at all. She remained silent.

I basically was sending the message that if she wants to do the D, that's all right with me. Maybe this is how I am shaking the status quo in my own way: I seem to have made peace with the idea that W may never reconcile/come back. My priority is to maintain my strong ties with the boys. I even told W I may not be able to send my monthly financial support when I get closer to leaving active duty. I told her there would likely be a gap in financial support until I have a new job. She said that's OK. She really didn't make a big fuss about it. I am surprised.

Anyway. I don't know what tonight's exchange will bring. I think I am at peace with not being with W anymore if she doesn't want me. I will rejoice if she tells me she wants to be together again. In the meantime, if it won't happen, I am at peace with that too. I think I made my changes. I have shown W I changed. She knows how I feel about her. I have been honorable in my dealings with her. I am faithful and don't have a girlfriend on the side. I am honorable in every way.

I also think I am tired emotionally. It drained me. I love my W, don't get me wrong. But if it's not reciprocal, I won't stand in the way. I think that's my mindframe this evening.

JR