How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[Twink]

I never dreamed I would feel this way and want to chew off my arm and run.

AMG2, I've felt the same way, until I realized that I'd only be running from myself. Not a good long term strategy. Detach, work on what you need to for the greater future good, with whomever that might be. And take time to be still. Give it time. You will learn what to do.

[amg2]

Thanks Twink. I certainly respect what you're saying. And reserve the right to change my mind 20 times today. BUT, I no longer see any way I'd want to be with him again. He has disrespected me and our marriage (and himself) so many times over, and his 8 MONTHS ON NON ACTION, of any kind, to move away from me or toward me, seems like to final straw for me.

I appreciate your input. Thank you.

[amg2]

As an added side note, I don't think my H thinks it's at all possible that I'll walk away. His MLC bubble doesn't allow those types of thoughts. That's almost the saddest part...he has NO IDEA how far I've already gone. Though I think he may be starting to get a hint now that I have withdrawn even more. I really have no desire to spend time w him anyway. The person I loved no longer exists. My IC really doesn't agree with the "smile and nod" strategy of DBing as it doesn't allow me to be honest, share my feelings about relationship, etc. But at this point I have no desire to do those things anyway--it goes no where. So maybe DBing has somehow 'allowed' him to come this far not realizing that things aren't OK, but I feel I've sufficiently warned him. About 1.5 months ago I said "I don't want you to be blindsided by anything." He said "OH, I wouldn't be". Well his actions show that that is not true, but whatever. I've warned him and won't feel guilty about my feelings. Okay maybe I will be some guilt, but I'm not going to let it get the best of me.

The next month is certainly going to be interesting.

[Truegritter]

I no longer see any way I'd want to be with him again.

Why? Because...

He has disrespected me and our marriage (and himself) so many times over, and his 8 MONTHS ON NON ACTION, of any kind, to move away from me or toward me, seems like to final straw for me.

This looks like like a lot of expectattion on your part with a timeline he knew nothing about.

I understand your frustrated and that you want more for your life.

I only want you to look at the reasons you decide this and if you are making them because H did or didn't do something well then...

I really have no desire to spend time w him anyway. The person I loved no longer exists.

Yes he does he is just confused and finding his way. May not be what you want, how you want it, or when you want it.

It is what it is.

but I feel I've sufficiently warned him.

So this let's you off the hook?

Well his actions show that that is not true, but whatever.

What are yours saying about you? What is true for you?

That you can have expectations that were not communicated and that he probably wouldn't abide if they were communicated...

and you can hold on to those until such time as he doesn't sufficiently meet them?

I've warned him and won't feel guilty

Be sure you tell whoever you end up with next that this^^^^ is a condition to your relationship.

Amg, I not trying to pee in your corn flakes.

I am just telling you what I see.

There comes a day when this thing that we endeavor to do no longer is about our spouse or our M and the outcome.

It is about our journey and what we need to learn.

If you have learned all you need learn and

you are satisfied making choices for yourself based on and because of the actions or inactions of another person.

Then the barn door is and has always been open.

What was your goal in coming here? Has it changed?

Should it have changed?

[amg2]

I no longer see myself wanting to be with him because he's not a "stand up" kind of person. He can't respect anyone else when he doesn't respect himself.

I didn't lay out a particular 'time line' because I didn't have one. He has known for 8 months that every day he does NOTHING decreases the chances of us staying married. He certainly can't think that this would go on forever, though he appears to think this.

Yes to some extent my warning him DOES let me off the hook. I'VE been honest. I'VE been in counseling. I'VE been faithful. I own the negatives I contributed to our marriage. HE does not.

Whoever is lucky enough to end up with me in my next relationship will certainly know that I shoot straight. I don't play games. And they'll be glad to know that. It isn't a negative trait. I am not ashamed of it.

You're exactly right...it's not about my M or H anymore. It's about me. And I no longer like him. The person I love no longer exists. And I feel life is too short to spend it foolishly. A person can only take so much. A person can only make so many excuses, for so long, for a grown person who lives as if they're the only human on the face of the earth.

I certainly dont mean to sound argumentative. We are obviously in different places on this. I wish you well in your standing. I never was "standing". I was "hanging out". I came here for the knowledge and advice of others with experience in ths same horrible situation. My reasons for being here MIGHT be changing. It's scary. It hurts. But it's so. Does that mean I'm no longer welcome on this board? Because I'm fed up and no longer making excuses for him.

WHat if I (or you or any other person reading this) decided WE were having a MLC. Today. I'M going to get an OP and act like a child. Dress like a teenager. Walk away from my responsibilities. What would happen then? WHY SHOULD THE MLCer get away with this? I'm not telling ANYONE else what THEY should do. BUT I AM FED THE F UP. Will I be ready to stick around again in a week? I don't know. But I am done making excuses. Disrespectful behavior is disrespectful behavior...no matter WHO is doing it or WHAT they're problem/reason is. No one would make an excuse for me if I acted the way my H is...including him.

SOrry for this rant. I really do appreciate feedback, as my feelings of "doneness" are somewhat sudden, unexpected and scary.

[TimeHeals]

I AM FED THE F UP

No, tell me how you really feel

my feelings of "doneness" are somewhat sudden, unexpected and scary.

The negative feelings aren't who YOU are Go ahead and feel them, look at where they come from, understand them, but they aren't YOU.

Oh, and I do understand where you are coming from. The truth is, you don't have to just "take it" when somebody disrespects common, healthy boundaries, so I am not going to tell you to do that.

Just here to say it's OK to feel that, but know that you aren't the feeling.

[punkin]

AMG2,

I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. Sometimes this touchy, feely stuff makes me want to climb the wall . . . .BUT, it is certainly more effective in detachment than being ready to punch the SOB out.

I could ( & would love to ) tell both H and OW exactly what they and the family thinks of them. Would it matter? No. Would I feel better? Yes, but only temporarily, and in the end look like a raving biotch from he11.

So, for the moment, I keep my peace. When all is said and done, I may find the perfect moment to lay it all out for him, or, lay him out. Rant away. I'm happy I'm not the only insensitive whacko here.

[Truegritter]

It's scary. It hurts. But it's so. Does that mean I'm no longer welcome on this board?

Amg if I gave you this impression I am sorry.

If what I said offended you I am sorry.

I am not making a judgement on you or your decision.

It is not my place.

You post here. We respond with support, and feedback from our knowledge and experience.

If you are making this choice for you then you don't need me to tell it's right or wrong, or to defend it to me.

I am not trying to convince you to stand or to leave.

WHY SHOULD THE MLCer get away with this?

They are not entitled to anything and neither are you.

Our M doesn't entitle us to anything. We are not entitled to anything from our spouses.

So you see it is YOUR choice what to do.

So leave for your reasons...

My only goal was to make sure you know what those are.

You came here because you wanted to save your M right?

Well it looks like they may not happen?

So that is the only reason you are here and that is your definition of success.

You know what MLC is.

Your H may or may not ever snap out of it.

So find your peace.

[WhatNow]

hey amg,

You have been fighting this urge since the beginning. 8 months is a long time....in our world. In MLC land, it is a blink. If you decide to continue standing, it could be a number of years before your M gets back on track.

Every other week or so, I have a day where I want to pick up the phone and say "File already! I am sick of this". (Or hit him with it!lol) I have noticed these feelings of mine are directly related to an expectation of some sort. Expectations will destroy you.

So, I reason that by standing, I am not losing anything other than a warm bed. I am living my life as if he is not coming back to the M, except for the dating thing, which I probably wouldn't jump into right now anyway. I have too much to process about myself, to many things keeping me busy. Divorced or standing, I would be in the same place right now. I can D anytime.

It is scary as you realize your detachment. The first time I realized i didn't care what H was doing, I freaked.

Spending a month acting as if you are D'd is an interesting experiment. Will you spend a month acting married but your H is away on a mission and off the grid? I think that would be a hard one to pull off!! I might try it!

Whatever you decide will be the right decision! Just please do not choose rashly or based on emotions. There are some articles on standing here and here and here

[amg2]

Twink: Thank you for the advice to take some time to "stand still". Well put.

TimeHeals: Thank you for reminding me that my anger is not ME. I have a reactive history and it is important to differentiate this.

Punkin: I don't rant, rave, ask questions, none of it. Smile and nod. I don't even need to grit my teeth most of the time any more. Who cares? Things he says don't really bother me. My composure is worth too much.

TG:I appreciate your help. I was a little hurt by your earlier post and your explanation means a lot. We are obviously in VERY different places right now. I completely respect your position. Maybe I even envy it a bit. It is just NOT where I'm at now. I almost feel as if I'm back on "the roller coaster", except this time it's b/c of MY feelings and potential actions. I'm not at all sure I agree with your statement

"Our M doesn't entitle us to anything. We are not entitled to anything from our spouses."

What then are marriage vows? Don't they entitle us to expect respect and honesty and love? If not the common courtesy and decency with which your would treat a mere friend or aquaintance?

WHatNow: Part of whats so weird about my feelings now is their NOT in response to expectations. He actually was contacting me more than usual, and that started to anger me because it feels like more of him thinking things are "ok". He told his mother about how he'd be attending a Halloween party with my family. Uh, no. That's something you traded in for your new life. Hope you're enjoying it.

So I realize I'm angry (which I actually didn't realize until talking with you all). I need to commit to this MONTH long trial which for me means "business only" and as little of that as possible. I still think I have my "runnin shoes" on, but time will tell. And it is scary to feel this about someone you've loved so much, for so long.

Thank you all