Still trying to find my way

[newmama]

You can email or text about the car insurance, too!

good job starting your gratitude list....also think small on a daily basis.

Like today I was grateful for the energy I needed to clean my house.

I was grateful that S was so happy to come with me to my school while I took care of a quick task!

I was grateful for the super delicious mud pie ice cream I ate.

you know....stuff like that.

[TimeHeals]

am working on that gratitude list.

10 things you are grateful for every day. It gets easier with practice.

I am grateful for the air I breathe, the clear and sunny skies over the weekend, for the cheesey flea market I went to, for that silly movie I watched Saturday night, for Jimmy Dean microwavable turkey sausage and egg muffins, for shaved italian ice when it's hot outside, that I can walk at all let alone as much as I have been walking over the weekend, for butterflies and dragonflies, for peacocks and osteriches, for camels and llamas, for cheese (I really like cheese), for ProteinPlus bars when I am on the go, for lemurs and monkeys and apes, for zoos (smile), for nice restaurants, greasy spoon joints, fast-food, cell phones, this forum, that swimming feels so danged good on a hot day....

[Mystik]

H called last night to have me tell DS Home Alone 2 was on. He called again this morning just to talk to DS. He called me after work and wanted the three of us to go to Burger King, I declined but let him take DS there.

So the Open House went ok. H, as expected, was sticking close to me for the most part. I arrived late and didn't go into the gym until the last possible moment then sat in the back. H texted me a few times talking about how there was kids when there shouldn't be and to ask where in the gym I was. When that was over I immediately went to the cafeteria to help with the refreshments, H found me there. He kept trying to make small talk, I would answer with as few words as possible in a polite tone, and did not engage in the conversation. When I saw the trays of food were getting low I started to fill them, that's when H finally left me alone. He didn't go too far though, stayed in sight of me and was texting a lot on his phone, periodically looking in my direction. When it was time to go to the classroom he came and got me, we ended up walking to DS's class together. I sat at DS's desk and H pulled a chair up next to me. The teacher gave her speech, we looked at DS's papers and talked to the teacher, signed up for the parent-teacher conference and that was it. We walked out to the cars together, too. I managed to not cry until after we parted ways, then I had a brief sob-fest and am back to how I was before the Open House. Missing him but resigned to his absence.

I did ask him about the car insurance. He said he didn't have it today but maybe on Wednesday he would. He also said that he got a duplicate title for his car so we can sign off of one another's car to get separate policies.

[Mystik]

H called me after work, said he had to talk to me about something uncomfortable. Said when Whore has the baby in November she's going to take some time off work to stay with it, then when she goes back to work H will be taking time off to stay with it, so he wants Whore to pick up DS from school during that time. I said no, that she is nothing to DS and she is not to be picking him up. H said that it was unreasonable to expect him to drive all the way to where we live with an infant, I said that babies are portable, he can bring it with him. He repeated that it doesn't make sense for him to drive all that way with an infant. I said "You knocked her up, you figure it out" and hung up and just started bawling. He called back, I let it go to voice mail then listened to his message. He said he figured it out, Whore is picking up Brian. So I guess tomorrow I'll be getting a loan...

[Mystik]

How did my life become this hell that I have to struggle to survive each day? I just want it all to end.

[Mystik]

I thought things were supposed to get easier as time went on, but they're not. They're getting harder and harder, more and more painful.

I am kicking myself so much for not having the R talk with H back in October when he tried to iniate it. Instead I said no, that only if it's going to really happen will we talk about it. Now I think to myself that if I had let him talk about it then we wouldn't be here. He would have stopped f*&^ing the whore, she wouldn't be pregnant. Maybe I would be the one pregnant by now. Why oh why didn't I let us have that R talk last Halloween?

[Mystik]

Sent H a text saying i wanted the car insurance tonight in cash and I would give him a receipt. He texted back that he wanted to have an adult conversation with me, and that he wanted to be divorced by now.

[freema]

I am so sorry for your pain. It does take time to heal and its important to allow yourself to breath and remember the things in life to be grateful for.

One thing might be to focus on what you are trying to achieve. I surmise that you would not want H back because he has a new baby? Figure it out. What do you want? Focus.

It may be that all you want is to get through this pain. Then its step by step. Recognize every small triumph of happiness you achieve. Try to remember yourself as happy and then recreate yourself through happiness. Focus on achieving a state of happiness, moment by moment. I've done this. It works.

[bluestar]

Mystik, no more talking to him. You are losing the advantage that you have right now. Retain the L and file. Use the leverage to get a better deal than you have now and keep the whore away from him. If you don't take advantage of his urgency, you will regret it. You'll lose all the power and he'll continue to run all over you. It's time to take a stand.

[TimeHeals]

I know this is an odd question, but is she actually a *whore* ?

I mean, does she sleep with many men to earn money regularly?

And if so..., is he her pimp?