D17 took phone from me and told H that if he wanted to come home she need him to consent to family counseling first. She said that she had been so hurt by him that she need to trust that he would not just leave again. He threatened not to pay for the bills, he accused her of treating him "like [censored]", he said that she didn't want him to come home, that she didn't appreciate all that he had done for her. She said she didn't remember him except for the day he left. She said that she didn't feel she could communicate with him because he couldn't hear her words. She was very upset afterwards. He said that he was hurt by her. Finally he said,'Since you all don't want me to come home that's fine'
I finally had to say something. I told him that that last statement was the easy way out. It was making up something to let him walk away easily without acknowledging the reality of the situation. So I reiterated that asking for counseling was not the same as saying D17 doesn't want him home, but that it was saying she didn't want a repeat of her last 5 years. That the other kids have clearly said they want him home.
he said he felt that I was finally opening the doors to him a little. I responded that the doors have been open for 5 years but he just kept refusing my invitations in. Then he said he now saw that the situation was not what he thought, that I hadn't been keeping the kids away at all.
H agreed to come next week. We agreed we would try to keep the positive momentum up. I was suprised by this. The conversation seemed to have been going down hill. He said he felt an ultimatum had been given him. Counseling or no return home. Then he rallied and decided to try again, as I had initally aked, only to give it some time. I think I need to make a family counseling appointment soon? Should I try to work on making things positive with H first? I feel as though if H and I could work through some things, and solidify our intentions then, family counseling might be more affective. All the kids will be away at college next year. They would be home for breaks and summer only for at least the next 2 years.4 years for my youngest D17.
