How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Hi and thanks all,

You speak about formal visitation schedules: we have hit on an arrangement which suits his working hours (evenings 'till late, weekend mornings etc.).I leave the house early as school is not nearby, but am home by six in the evening and don't work on wednesday. He comes every morning to take them to school, and has them at his place 5 full days out of 14. So I always have one daughter with me ( the oldest, who won't go to him) and have all three more often than he does. This suits me, I love being with the kids, their home is here, they've got space outside to play here etc. However, he's freer than I am. If he decides to date the OW or move on to someone else, he's got room to manoeuvre, whereas I'd always have to get a sitter if I wanted to start dating or just going out for the night. That's life.
I could go to a solicitor and demand legal separation, enforceable visitation rights and every second week free. However, I see him as a lot less cock-sure lately, think the OW hasn't stayed the course, see him as fragile and volatile. Waving lawyers at him COULD bring him to his "senses", but could also make him dig in the heels, solidify his handy "vision" of me as a virago and a nuisance. Could go either way, and I still love him enough not to want to start gambling with outcomes. Yes, that leaves me in Limbo and I won't stay there indefinitely, but I'm prepared to live there for the present if it can help my M work.

My H was a man very close to his mother, brother and three sisters. At the moment and since July, in fact, he's had no contact with ANY of them, beyond a few terse words when he runs into one of them and can't avoid contact.

He parks his car behind the house when he comes, where it can't be seen by his mother (my nearest neighbour, across our front yard). He thus arrives and leaves by the back door, unseen by neighbours.

In May and June and even later, more recently, he was angry at me all of the time, contemptuous, critical. He couldn't bear to be near me, had been burying himself in work to get away from me, had had an affair because I was too uptight and a useless wife, couldn't keep house, dress nicely, make love correctly, you name it. His attacks were very cruel and personal.I did think about what went wrong on my end of the relationship. I've been trying to improve the NCU formula (new, improved, smells fresh and washes whiter...).Trying to do u-turns on aspects of my behaviour that needed addressing. I've blamed myself, then realized that I'm not to blame.

For a long time, he was on his high horse and I was grovelling and needy, afraid to lose him (ha, ha!).He was so in the RIGHT,and everyone else had the wrong end of the stick.

Lately, I've been trying to organize my life differently, find once more the girl I lost when I became his "housewife". That and this community (posting, reading, exchanges etc.) have helped me. Also prayer and determination.

And he's changing too. He's ensconced in his flat, but often texts me. Ostensibly about children, but not always. I don't call unles there's an emergency and don't answer his texts.
When I see him, he's much pleasanter and even asks about life and school. I give him just the bare answer -it's ok, I'm fine and ask no questions in return. I'm not cold, just usually in a hurry to be elsewhere. Friendly but busy.

When he comes in the morning, I've left. But when I get home, I find he's been into my room (our room) and opened the windows and turned down the quilt on the bed.He's got no need to go in there, he never gave a damn in the past if the room or bed were aired. Strange.


He often spends time here when the kids and I are at work/school. Part of me sees this as unfair - I can't do a Goldilocks in his new flat. Yet, coupled with ambivalent behaviour and a loss of arrogance, I'm willing to see it as pangs of regret.So i'm not getting stroppy and telling him to stop snooping around.
He used not look at me or smile. Now he's looking and smiling, timidly.

I shouldn't get hopes up. I've started new activities and a self-and-home improvement campaign. I'm starting to notice that there are other fish in the sea, and who would be glad of my company. I don't intend to give up on him, but now I realize that I won't wait forever. So I'm still hopeful of a good outcome, but I now feel life will go on, whatever happens.

It mightn't be real detachment, but it feels better.

NCU