The worst Father's Day ever!

[sandycay]

I am sorry to hear that XH and XFIL continue to be donkeys. From my own personal experience with donkeys...Dont feed them any carrots and they will leave you alone. Only contacted that one time, the rest is "radio silence"

Some time apart with FFG may be a blessing in disguise. It will give both of you time to think about how happy you really are with each other. Yes, we are exploring that, of course coming from where I was .. it caused an intial panic feeling on my part but then I know you have to let go and let the chips fall where they may....

BTW... FFG must work out as his biceps look massive in the rafting pictures. I sure he would have no problem corraling donkeys. Yes, he does work out but not as much as he used to.. ( that's one thing he is missing, can you imagine how they look if he did?) So, he needs to get back to the gym, right now he can get spotty work outs at work but he's at work so not able to concentrate on it like he would like to. It's his thing... staying healthy and fit. He is very broad shoulder and yes the arms are massive. He has good genetics for muscular building (Indian)

However, he is not cocky about his size and not one to say "I'll kick his a&&". He would protect if necessary but walk away from all else. I think he had his time in his Navy days and didn't enjoy it much then. We were at Pike Place the other day and this weirdo came over to the car and was hollering at him and all he could do was laugh and smile .... EXH would have been screaming back and ruined the day but as FFG said... "You can't help crazy" So, he is a lover not a fighter.

[smith18]

I'm like FFG when it comes to confrontations. I'd much rather not engage, but I do have the ability to open up a can of whoop-ass if push comes to shove.

I wonder which city has more weirdos - Portland or Seattle. I've noticed a good amount in Seattle near the Westlake mall area on Pike or Pine. I think Portland has the cheaper black tar heroin.

[sandycay]

Well I am not that familiar on the stock price of herion these days, Kerry! So I can't even gander on that one.

FFG and I will be getting back to a point where time together is way less with school and kids in session and soccer season for most of our kids.

I have told him that although I don't require firm plans most of the time that I do need a scheduled date every now and again. Not assumed. His schedule rotates with his work and so his time with his kids rotates as well.

I sent him home yesterday with a "see you on Saturday". That is our next scheduled "date". Although he did say he wanted to come by and see D play at her soccer tournament this weekend.... so we will see.

He works Friday and Monday, Tuesday but has been off the last week and a half.

It seems when I pull back and do my thing ...the texting and calling on his end picks up a little bit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I still have to catch myself regarding being in a long term marriage versus a long term relationship. I haven't dated as an actual adult in the age of texting, emailing, cell phones, and FB. It's hard not to put the same expectations on the relationship. I am learning and growing though.

Kids started school today. I really wanted to send EXH the yearly picture I take of the kids but I stopped myself. I don't know if it will cause him more pain to see how much they are growing. The last two text I have sent him (two weeks ago) regarding his mail have gone unanswered by him. So I figure he wants no contact so I am conflicted on what to do with that.

The up note is I got a notice in the mail that he finally forwarded his address..... 9 months after moving out so I won't have to contact him about mail anymore!

[smith18]

It seems when I pull back and do my thing ...the texting and calling on his end picks up a little bit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Are you suggesting that when you put forth the effort to make the R grow more that you are not getting back a similar effort - he is a distancer? But yet when you become the distancer he then becomes a pursuer? Are you both communicating well your "love tank" needs?

I gave up last week in keeping in touch with the lady I had been seeing. I've put my profile back on line and have 3 really nice and successful ladies I'm communicating with. There is one that lives so very close to me that has quite a bit in common with me. Now I just need to find time to meet some of these ladies in person.

My son and I will be backpacking and fishing in your state this Friday to Monday (Indian Heaven). We will be camping in the best wilderness area for huckleberries in the NW. The boy is still young enough to fish for free, but I will be buying the 4 day non-resident license for $33!

[sandycay]

No, Kerry I don't see that. He's not a distancer. We did the LL test together months ago and are aware of each others language. We are similiar in that aspect.

Distance of our houses will always be an issue until my maintenance runs out in 5 years. I would not nor could not give that up until I'm out of school and able to support myself and the kids.

He would never be able to move here due to his little ones school schedule and when he has them during the school week. I have a junior and would not move there until that is resolved and by then D will be a sophmore so we are both "stuck" for a few years where we are.

That said ... we are not talking about that kinda of future seriously as he was married very quickly the 1st time around and freely admits that he jumps into relationships to quickly. So, we both want to take our time.

But honestly I do want to share my life with someone in a "married" way sooner rather than later. I enjoy being married but I won't sacrifice my wants for my needs.

He talks about future plams... ie... vacations and always speaks of we when talking about the future. For instance, when filling out the kids paperwork for school he supported me adding him as an emergency contact. (since I can't depend on their father)

I think we were jsut spending way to much time together over the early summer and there was a lot of heavy stuff going on the with EXH at the time.

You should have let me know you were coming up.... I could have met you guys for a hike and some huckleberries and fresh fish!

[sandycay]

Well...not to much to update expect EX sent me a letter to gie to the kids which resulted in my D crying and my S throwing it down and saying I'm not reading it anymore..... It's starts off beautifully but then goes straight to his "I'm a victim mode" and it's all your fault.


Here it is:

Dear S and D,

For me to say that I miss you is the understatement of my life. I have not been able to breathe a single breath without choking on the air since June…my heart is truly broken over the prospect that I may have lost my son and daughter forever. My son…My daughter….those words used to make me so proud…now they burn a hole deeper in my heart every time I even think them. And you have no idea how often the two of you are on my mind. It is constant.

I do owe you both an apology for what happened on my last Father’s Day, I don’t get any more. I wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did. But I did. Honestly….I’ve been waiting for some kind of apology from you…either one of you. I see now that will never come.

I miss the sound of your voices….your laughter…Sissy’s hugs….knowing what is happening in your lives. I don’t know how to get any of it back. You won’t answer my texts…my calls…nothing. And that is all part of the problem. Somehow the two of you have come to think it’s OK to dismiss me…you have for a very long time and you don’t realize it. How would you react if your mother were asking or saying these things to you? And I’m not saying that’s wrong…you should respect your Mom…always. I’m saying that she doesn’t love you more than me…she doesn’t. She doesn’t want more for you….she doesn’t. She doesn’t need you more than I do….she doesn’t. And you both treat her like you should and I hope you do forever. I just don’t…can’t…. for the life of me understand why I’m not afforded even a fraction of that as your father. It is the 5th Commandment. There are no provisos. And that should be the case and the foundation that we are operating upon….but it isn’t. You don’t and won’t….and so….we all lose.

I have no rights….no authority…..nothing. Not when it comes to either of you. You have both shown me very clearly that you won’t show me the respect a father deserves….I won’t ask for it again….ever. Quite honestly, I don’t even expect a reply or even a reaction to this letter other than disdain. I have disappointed you both so much as your Dad. For that I am sorry. I wonder if I ever did anything right.

So my question is, what do you want me to do? Disappear? Stand in the corner and wait? And for what? What is it you expect? What have you been expecting? All you have to do is say so…and I’m there. Because believe it or not…I’m still ready to catch either of you should you fall or even trip. I have been since the day you were each born. I’ve done my best to protect you, guide you and provide for you. To teach you what I thought was important. I laughed with you even when something really wasn’t very funny and tried to show you how important that is in life.

I hope you both can forgive me for not being perfect some day.

I Love You,
Dad



Some beautiful things he said but he had to mix in his same old tired speech of "I get no respect". That's why he left and had an affair BTW.

This was my reply... I told him I would let him know when they had read it.

EXH (aka donkey)

I gave the kids each a copy of your email.

D sobbed in my arms and went to bed. She is hurt by what has happened
and that she doesn't have a daddy in her life and she is hurt that her Poppy
said what he did on Facebook.

(For the record, I tried to get them to call him today and wish him HB but they refused)

S asked me to email you and tell you this.

" I didn't answer the phone because I was driving." He is not allowed to talk on the phone while driving the car. He also said that he can't "deal" with this at the present moment. This is all very upsetting to him.... he was in tears.

You don't know this but your son has 4 AP classes.... college level and two jobs (one he will be starting soon) (amazing that some people can't find work and OUR boy has two jobs isn't it? ) and is still swimming and volunteering for church.

He says he isn't mentally able to "deal" with
anything else right now. I've tried to get him to give something up but he feels he needs the money to help pay for the insurance and gas and have spending money.

I will stand by my conversation with you that until you can assure me that you can handle your anger differently with our kids this situation will not move forward. I don't ever need to feel the fear that I felt on that day.

You don't need to be in the position of not being able to control the situation. You stated in your letter that you don't expect they will ever respect you so if they don't .... I don't know what the outcome would be in that situation.

Please refrain from using the commandments as you have broken a few too...
we all have and you don't like church anyways now, those are not my words but your sons.


On a side note, and this it totally unrelated to the kids. I feel like your dad is "mocking" me by all of his "running" post on Facebook. I know that my Nike runs for my IPOD that you and the kids got me for my birthday post
my runs there. I know I am the only one that it shows up on his FB that Sandycay ran 5 miles in 45 min at a pace of blah blah blah. Then he started putting on his all that about running 3 sec to fridge to get a beer and who gives a crap stuff. I thought it was funny, until the "who gives a crap"
was put behind it. Son is friends with Poppy as well and noticed it too.
It really seems pointed at me since the post read off like my running post
and he has put multiple ones on there regarding this. So, I have a few of
our friends around the US that run and post times along with me..... Jessie, Loree , and others... we are all training for different things and friends motivate us and comment about their runs. I am not sure what the
purpose is but I am sure as he posted about children not abandoning their
fathers was not directed our kids but just something he randomly though
about .... which is BS and you know it. Now, I know that you can't tell him anything but these things hurt the kids as well as me. Others that are
mutual friends see it too. There is no reason for this, I have done
nothing to your family to deserve this ... nothing. We've been abandoned by our family and it hurts. Family ... what a joke of a word.

Sandycay

[kat727]

I kind of get the same thing. Why don't the kids want to be with me and my fiance (yes the OW) because I am still their dad and she is just wonderful? Ex has never had a fit of anger with them but I believe until he can stop thinking about himself first, he will never see the damage he has done.

Luckily we have been able to be at least civil and have been able to figure out some stuff for the kids.

I hope you can see yourselves as a family. it does bother my ex to no end that I can do that, but really, that is what he did to us.

kat

[Kalni]

sandycay,
saddly your ex(aka donkey) is being taught of karma by his own kids. I hope and wish, for them and only for them, that things get better at some point between them.
Take care
K

[smith18]

Sandycay -

Your response was perfect to donkey. His letter smells of someone who desperately needs to get his head in the right place.

I like that your son knows DS (donkey sh!t) when he reads it. And I am sure that you are proud that he has broken the male donkey cycle on his dad's side of the family. He has your morality and common sense genes.

PS... I like seeing your running times posted. It is pretty cool and I bet you can make some interesting graphs of the data. Do you have some goals at increasing your pace?