Kalni--thank you! You were the first person I posted to, and you very graciously welcomed me to DB. I appreciate your kind words, and am happy to feel that I have been able to make some positive contributions to repay for all the help I received here. I'm glad your piecing is progressing, and am always impressed by your honesty and openness.
Upside--you're right: it's a sign of damage to retain a child's attitude toward a parent rather than viewing oneself as an independent adult as well. Some of my family insist that they must continue to respect the man who molested me throughout my childhood, so I know how frustrating such wrong-thinking is. But it is just another way of putting off coping with the fact that adults can act in selfish, destructive ways. Often it's because they blame themselves for not having prevented that destruction as children, and so hang onto the guilt rather than placing it where it belongs.
Wow, your son sounds very perceptive! And I think it's very healthy that your D is continuing some sort of relationship with your H, even if he can't give her enough attention right now. And at least, unlike your H, she has you as a parent who never stops showing how much she loves and values her. The counseling is so important.
