They have spent so much time and energy running from YOU they haven't stopped to realize they are running from themselves. It won't happen tomorrow. It won't happen next week, and it might not even happen this year. But it will. But wether they run again or realize this, you have to let them take their journey. Without you.
I picked this up from another post, but thought it was powerfull on several levels. By itself, it is a pretty insightful comment, but it plays into the thoughts that have been troubling me of late.
When I read that comment, my first thought was "fight-or-flight". To me, this is a statement about one's charachter. i.e. what is someone's initial instinct? Do we turn to face the danger head on, or jump back and start to bolt.
For a long time, I have read countless stories about WA's and my gut feeling (a judgement, I know. Fair or not, we all make them) has always been that the WA , unfortunately, my W included, was a coward by nature. The few WAW's that have come on here excluded. They are still in the game and open themselves up to all of us. That takes courage.
Where does this come from? I think it has a lot to do with a person's mindset. It meshes with the articles about time and outlook on life that have been posted here. I realize that a lot of my outlook has always been optimistic. I've seen challenges as either something that needeed to be overcome or opportunities to achieve something. I'm Not the type-A guy, but rather the happy-go-lucky guy. I'm confident in my ability to meet challenges though and when I join the fight, I pour it on. Strange to be laid back, but competative as hell too. It's just that I don't go looking for problems. When one pops up, I attack it and move on. My W is the direct opposit. She will worry and fret over things that "could" happen. I'd rather face things that "do" happen and not worry about every possible problem. (Not to say I don't prepare, I just don't persevorate sp?). She is the eternal pessimist. I think her "flight" reflex is far stronger than her "fight".
Again, these are differences that I can by nature ignore, but that she has difficulty with. I think when we are in tune, it makes us stronger as we complement each other's strengths. but now it seems like the weaknesses rule the day.
It has been a struggle of late to remain positive and optimistic aboiut R. Me? I'm doing well. But I would really like to succeed here. Mostly for my kids, but I do miss the companionship and affection. AND sandwiches.
But this Character difference is yet another thing that is weighing on my mind. Will it ever be thus? If we fix the R, will I be right back here in a few years? Well, strike that. I'll still be here, but I am never coming back to this place in my life. One of my boundaries going forward, should we put this back together, will be no more of this nonsense. I'm not losing any more time feeling like I did this time.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
I felt the same way. I thought it was about weakness of character, but that's because we expect them to react to things the way we do, but they don't. Without validation, in the face of moderate levels of continuous stress, they just can't take it.
Under stress, they want to tend and befriend, not fight or flight. However, when their children become less dependent, and they are unable to "befriend" due to work responsibilities, etc., they can't manage stress. I've come to the conclusion that my W definitely is behaving as if she has PTSD, which explains a lot and is consistent with the works of Grey, etc.
For a long time, I have read countless stories about WA's and my gut feeling (a judgement, I know. Fair or not, we all make them)the fact has always been that the WA , unfortunately, my W included, was a coward by naturecommitted cowardly acts .
] It has been a struggle of late to remain positive and optimistic aboiut R. Me? I'm doing well. But I would really like to succeed here. Mostly for my kids, but I do miss the companionship and affection. AND sandwiches.
But this Character difference is yet another thing that is weighing on my mind. Will it ever be thus? If we fix the R, will I be right back here in a few years? Well, strike that. I'll still be here, but I am never coming back to this place in my life. One of my boundaries going forward, should we put this back together, will be no more of this nonsense. I'm not losing any more time feeling like I did this time.
I think it's about really accepting your spouse for who they are, and not hoping/planning on changing them. As long as the character differences aren't completely conflicting, I think you can overcome most differences. I wouldn't want to be married to someone with the same personality as myself.
The 7 Levels of Intimacy has one central premise; Making yourself the best "You" that you can be. That every decision and action you undertake should be with this goal in mind; including your relationships. And that to be truly intimate you need to have your spouse seeking the same goal. Great book, but definitely not a light read.
Oh, and sandwiches. Starving right now. Thanks for bringing that up...
Thanks for the article. It was interesting. I think maybe my asessment is a little off. I know fight or flight is a responce to an immediate stressor. Obviously this is a more "chronic" stress. It was really my immediate take, but it's flawed. I think the cowardice I attribute to her desire to run is still on the money.
Pook, thanks for the edit. I agree I was painting with a broad brush. Obviously, there are a lot of moments of courage that went into getting this far along. So maybe it's a temporary yellow streak.
Pin,
What you said is really at the heart of my problem. I know she is a pessimist. If that doesn't change, our outlook on life and the R are destined conflict. Should we eventually reconcile, how long will it be before her defeatist attitude leads her back to starting her internal WA script again. She's very adept at keeping it in. I'm torn about all of this. I know I will be done if this happens again. I guess at least the kids will be older, hopefully old enough to alleviate my main concern at this point.
Like I said, this had a distinctly foggy feel to it.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
For a long time, I have read countless stories about WA's and my gut feeling (a judgement, I know. Fair or not, we all make them)the fact has always been that the WA , unfortunately, my W included, was a coward by naturecommitted cowardly acts .
So your guys wives had huge issues in the marriage (and you guys either had some clue or were scared to speak up) and you call your wives cowardly. This is strategically a huge error to see this way.
Just because it's not how you would handle it doesn't make it "cowardly." Time to be a leader not a whiner.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For a long time, I have read countless stories about WA's and my gut feeling (a judgement, I know. Fair or not, we all make them)the fact has always been that the WA , unfortunately, my W included, was a coward by naturecommitted cowardly acts .
So your guys wives had huge issues in the marriage (and you guys either had some clue or were scared to speak up) and you call your wives cowardly. This is strategically a huge error to see this way.
Just because it's not how you would handle it doesn't make it "cowardly." Time to be a leader not a whiner.
First time I completely disagree.
Cowardly
1. not brave: showing a lack of physical or moral courage, or too scared to do a particular thing
Lack of moral courage to identify the issues in M. Letting it dwindle for years until there is no desire left to even discuss it. Too scared to face the own fears or to seek moral clarity to own feelings.
2. cruel and spineless: showing meanness or cruelty to people who are weaker or unable to defend themselves and fear of those who are equal or stronger
Dropping a bomb on unexpecting LBS followed by a premeditated mean streak and continuous resentment blaming the entire world's misery on LBS. Hitting with words which are carefully selected to do the most emotional damage. Following up with hurtful actions. Knowing well that there is no defence for LBS after ILYBINILWU.
Playing a victim in fear for stronger LBS while manipulating what's left to gain tangling the "friendship" carrot to soften the enemy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm not picking at you just trying to give perspective. That's the value in detaching. I bet your wife can tell a different story. Every marriage has two sides with gaps. I am not excusing any bad behavior but your R wasn't always this way.
If your wife didn't drop the bomb would you be happy in your M? Would she? Where do you want to be?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
