I secured a line of credit against the house. My proposal to him was to pay off all of our personal & guaranteed business debt and remove myself from all credit cards and lines of credit. I told him that I will only pay the debts if I have a guarantee that I won't be liable for any new debt.
I think you should rethink this proposal. It sounds to me that there is not that much advantage to you and you are just enabling him to spend more money. I would not pay off all that debt and put it on your house.
Of course that is assuming that a bank will permit thaT.
Somehow this all just sounds like a bad idea to me. JMHO. If he wasn't in MLC it might be OK, but how is it that you are going to trust him right now?
Maybe you should get some legal advice about this before you do it.
(((Mila))) Go and protect yourself and D to the best extent that you can.
My H has also backed off on the things he said he would do concerning the house.
I do believe it's expectations that get us into trouble. I know that I have thought that my H still must have feelings for me. I thought he would still think and react like the old H. I was wrong. I don't know this person anymore. He's not the same.
You have it extra hard trying to deal with an alien in business. The MLCer lives in a fantasy world most of the time where reality is avoided at all costs. He can't see the forest through the trees because the fog has clouded his judgment.
Your H cares for nobody but himself at this time. Do what you have to make sure you're not responsible for any more debt that he incurs because of his selfishness and unwillingness to face reality.
Mila you've done all that you can. There are circumstances where you just can't hang in there and try to outlast the MLC without sacrificing yourself in ways that it would make it very hard to recover from.
Stop, drop and roll. It sounds as if you are on fire to bring resolution to the business thing, and you may burn yourself out in the process. Lance is right, consider yourself FIRST. Better bankruptcy than you acquiring all the debt, endangering your home, and letting him trapse off free into the future. I know people who have had to declare bankruptcy, and although it goes against many of our grains, it's not the end of the world we are afraid of.
I know where you are coming from. You just want it to all end, and have a moment of pure peace. As I said before, I can't imagine having to deal with my husband through this and own a business with him ON TOP of everything else. You have been strong and mature. Don't do anything that lets him off the hook and leaves you blowing in the wind.
I don't know squat about business so I will just say that I agree with Lance that you might consult with a L or some kind of financial advisor before you do anything and bumping your resume sounds like a good idea!
It is about you and your D. What is best for you two!!!
Hugs and prayers!
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It sounds as though you need to know what ALL of your options are. Once they are laid out on a table you can ruminate about them a bit, sleep on it, and hopefully in a few days one or two of the options will emerge as best for your situation.
I agree with everyone above. Please find a qualified professional (who has knowledge of tax laws and D law) who is not emotionally invested in this business situation to outline your options for you. If you are beginning to move down the slope of making big financial decisions, now is the time to have everything witnessed and documented. Bringing an objective advisor into the mix may help to keep H's emotions in check too.
Lance - I hear you....I really do. I don't trust him at all....the way he is out of touch with reality doesn't give me any confidence that he can make any wise decisions about business....and now he takes advice from OW who is an accountant and is as "out to lunch" as he is. I will not pay the business debts until I sort all the legalities and protect myself. Going to seek advice of a lawyer before.
SA - oh yes...the expectations....guilty as charged. I guess I'm still clinging to hope that the honest, responsible, rational, caring guy is still in there somewhere. The guy that keeps crying every time I see him, that I should trust him about business, that he really wants me to trust him and that I can trust him that I can have the house....how many times did he say these things? Countless. So maybe I stupidly wanted to believe that.
Punkin - the business may face bankruptcy...that is if creditors will want to force it....Personal finances are manageable as long as I can generate some income. And if he gives me the house I would still walk away with enough to buy a small home even after I pay all joint debts from the equity.
CW - I know...it's about me and D now.
GAG - you are right - "witnessed and documented" - should be my motto now. So sad that it has come to this.....
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[quote=Mila] SA - oh yes...the expectations....guilty as charged. I guess I'm still clinging to hope [quote]
It is similar to detaching, you recognize that you cannot help the person in what they are going through; in that process you let them go to work on themselves, but you can still have hope that they may return one day.
Having hope and expectations is NOT the same thing...expectations is looking for a outcome, hope is letting go of the expectation of an outcome, but believing the possibility of the outcome hoped for, if that makes sense.
Hope works hand in hand with Faith; without Faith, there is no Belief, and without Belief, there is no Hope, and without Hope, the Love remaining within, can die.
Hope is like leaving an open door for a time, but not expecting anything to happen. IF a positive event happens, it helps to increase the hope within the heart....but expectations must STILL remain at zero, as this is a LONG journey, and an even longer race....even when expectations die, hope can remain alive....you hold on to Hope when you've nothing else to go on or with.
One can move foward without expectations, but maintain their hope for a positive ending.
There is hope as long as one loves the MLC spouse..if that love ever burns out, then all hope is lost.
Hope this helps!
Keep your HOPE Mila! Thinking of you!!!
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Mila, I should have clarified what I meant by sacrifices that would be hard to recover from. I was referring to debt. For myself, at my age, I think about that a lot. Retirement is not too far away but H's MLC put it out a whole lot farther. I'll have to do some adjusting but have made sure I'm not responsible for any debt H has incurred while in la la land.
I know the circumstances are a whole lot different for you being in business with your H.
One thing I'm sure of and that's that you're a strong woman and will do what's best for you and D.
It is similar to detaching, you recognize that you cannot help the person in what they are going through; in that process you let them go to work on themselves, but you can still have hope that they may return one day.
Having hope and expectations is NOT the same thing...expectations is looking for a outcome, hope is letting go of the expectation of an outcome, but believing the possibility of the outcome hoped for, if that makes sense.
Hope works hand in hand with Faith; without Faith, there is no Belief, and without Belief, there is no Hope, and without Hope, the Love remaining within, can die.
Hope is like leaving an open door for a time, but not expecting anything to happen. IF a positive event happens, it helps to increase the hope within the heart....but expectations must STILL remain at zero, as this is a LONG journey, and an even longer race....even when expectations die, hope can remain alive....you hold on to Hope when you've nothing else to go on or with.
One can move foward without expectations, but maintain their hope for a positive ending.
There is hope as long as one loves the MLC spouse..if that love ever burns out, then all hope is lost.
Hope this helps!
Ooops! I was having quite a hard time trying to do quotes last night! This post is actually an answer HB gave me, word for word when I asked her to explain the difference between hope and expectations. So, I didn't write it but thought it might help Mila!
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