# 72 - Could be better, could be worse...

[mishka422]

He is certainly working toward a goal K. Slow and steady....perfect. I'm impressed by both of you and your determination to see this through.

[awest1217]

So glad that things, although slowly, keep moving forward. The slowness may be frustrating at times, but it is probably necessary for a full healing. The bigger the wound the slower the process, but healing is taking place and I hope it continues.

[Generosity]

"On the other hand, this weekend he started kissing me and caressing at a christening where people from my work were. I was pleasantly suprised."

Looks like lots of good "on the other hand(s)."

After following you since about the beginning, I see changes in how your H responds & initiates interactions with you.

Someone said, it may have been you, lol, not to get too excited that you've made it to piecing, too quickly, as the real work then begins.

Sunny

[Kalni]

Hi Sunny!!! I read your update, hope you get better soon!!

Yes, we are moving forward. Slowly but we are. And I am still surprised by his patience. Yesterday we talked about how we are now, I told him I need to take the next step. I need to recommit to him and decide to let go of the past. I am trying but I stop at the same point again and again. I am missing a piece of the puzzle. I need HIS words of what happened, not hers. I need to listen to him speak about his feelings, the process, the journey he made, the way he lived it. And that is not theoritical. Because it would give me an idea about "why are things differerent now, what changed (for the better)". His reply "it happened, I fell out of love with her" is not reassuring at all, it is the opposite. I explained that, he said he understands. He understands that that would mean intimacy, connection, recommitement.

Having these convos with him isnt easy. We are learning to communicate, we are learning what is important for each one of us. Yesterday, I told him I see change in him. That his eyes that were stone cold are back to the good "normal". He was pleased I said that, he said he doesnt realise his eyes are so telling. I asked him if he didnt know how he treated/looked at me back then. His reply was disappointing "no, I had no idea I had changed so much".

Those of you with me for a while, may remember that H is a typical "good guy", a "great catch", smart, polite, treats women as equals, is very generous with money, good father, good son in law. All that, made me believe for years I was the lucky one and that showed in my eyes, the amdiration, the appreciation. H got in an affair when I started criticising him, when my tired body changed my mood, when I got fed up with deaths, sicknesses and his schedule. When I lost that admiration for him. He went out and found it. He went for the quick fix.

Now, I think that kills him. The fact that I am not proud to have him as my H,that I am reluctant to believe his good intentions, now that his word is questionable. I know that is a love killer and try to "water it down", I am trying to always be aware of how he sees himself in my eyes but there isnt much I can do since I still have major issues... I feel for him. I really think it is very hurtful to see your partners eyes and instead of trust and appreciation to look at hurt and bitterness or doubts. That's what I told him. It is a viscious circle, mistrust, walking on eggshels, vague communication, expectations all lead to the next wrong choice. We have to agree on some basics, why, how, how to avoid it in the future, defense mechanisms, time outs for US, create a solid front against the world.

I think NOW is the time we could actually start moving towards that. Now that I am calmer and a lot of my anger is gone. Now that for a year, we passed the "breaking point" the "embarassment point" of getting "reaquainted" with each other, we have established a "normal and peaceful" routine.

I am still working on me. It has become a habbit. And it is tiring but worth the effort. If nothings else comes out of this, I will at least know how to "map" myself.
K

[fb2]

"All that, made me believe for years I was the lucky one and that showed in my eyes, the amdiration, the appreciation. H got in an affair when I started criticising him, when my tired body changed my mood, when I got fed up with deaths, sicknesses and his schedule. When I lost that admiration for him. He went out and found it. He went for the quick fix.

Now, I think that kills him. The fact that I am not proud to have him as my H,that I am reluctant to believe his good intentions, now that his word is questionable. I know that is a love killer and try to "water it down", I am trying to always be aware of how he sees himself in my eyes but there isnt much I can do since I still have major issues... I feel for him."

The danger is that key thing he craves (respect/admiration) which caused him to have an affair is still not back on track, so ... more work to do. But the good part is you still seem to have a lot of admiration left which is probably why you "settled".

Are you doing all you can to avoid getting stressed out that way again? And have you really explored this thing called "forgiveness"? After all when you went out and in a way "cheated" on him he probably sensed it - would you tell him this?

One of the things I realized is that the thing call "love" means so many different things to different people. But for me it translates to "commitment" - for better or worse, ... Otherwise marriage is a sham.

[AliSuddenly]

Yes, I wasnt jealous either, but I am still jealous of him, with, her, back then. I totally agree.

I was amazed at this !!: "He said he understands my position, he puts himself in my shoes, has requested from his boss to consider the possibility of a change in hours and salary and awaits his answer..."

WOW! When is he likely to get that then?

I find it interesting that after the years of coldness/transferance of limerance to someone else and kind of being 'switched off' and unaware.. the WAS comes back and then wierdly gets a taste of their own medicine as you are the one with a 'coolness' but you are not being unaware, you are very aware of the effect it could have on him. I guess its a balancing act. I agree with everyone else, he's really different now, he's really catching up with piecing and making ACTIONS and really listening to you. It all sounds positive sweets.

I could have done that too - been distant at times, cold, mistrustful, because of the way he left. I felt that and still do at times, but like you I watered it down, right down, as my need to get on and make babies overrode my need to express my negative emotions! I guess I was being practical. We still have issues with ML too, him not me, which makes the doubts surface, but I just have to take it on face value when he reassures me its him not me and he does feel passion and desire me.. as you should? Not easy though, huh!

[BobbiJo]

K, I love your update. Healing can be painful, but it leads to better things. You guys are moving in the right direction. And I am glad his eyes have changed. I know exactly what you mean about that. There had been times in the past when Dan's words said he wanted back in, but I looked into his eyes, and he still wasn't "there" so I knew it wouldn't work...

Love ya sis.

[Kalni]

The danger is that key thing he craves (respect/admiration) which caused him to have an affair is still not back on track, so ... more work to do. But the good part is you still seem to have a lot of admiration left which is probably why you "settled".

Are you doing all you can to avoid getting stressed out that way again? And have you really explored this thing called "forgiveness"? After all when you went out and in a way "cheated" on him he probably sensed it - would you tell him this?

I can always count on fb2 to push my buttons ( )...

Regarding your first comment, I recognise what is happening at the moment between us but without sounding selfish, I think there is a lot of work to be done mainly from/om him. I cant say I admire him still, at least not even close to way I did in the past. I tend to see him as a man with flaws, and working on accepting him as such and consequently be able to forgive him. Working on forgiveness? You bet your a$$ I am. I am not there yet, it is VERY difficult, I certainly could not apply for the Mother Theresa award this year...(or ANY year)

Your second comment: I didnt cheat on him in ANY way. And that is not negotiable. I had told him my life has moved on, he read my emails dated AFTER the last deadline of Jun15th-17th 2008 and I have been very straight forward with him about it. Recently we had to talk about it, up until now he had said he didnt want to know anything. He asked a few questions and I answered each and everyone of them, not hiding anything, honestly and not feeling guilty or anything.

So, I dont feel he needs to forgive me. He may need to get over it but... tough luck! Small price to pay, dont you think?

The last few days I feel like things are moving very slow. I dont like that pace anymore. Hopefully something will change with his work soon.

My kids are showing all their hurt now (!!). THe y keep going back to the day he left us. I cant help wondering how that day will be talked about when they are older and what that means for their future Rs.
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K.. wow, so how do you answer, or do you get H to answer, to tell them why he left? H insists now every time its mentioned that he 'lost his mind' and was not in a fit state to make decisions, any, neverlone good ones as he 'didnt know what he was doing'. I suppose, "diminshed responsibility" could be an explanation for the way he behaved, like in murder cases? Or.. what explanation does he give??

I agree and know you didnt cheat on H. He had left the house and you and was having a new relationship (albeit lying about it). You werent even spending time together or 'dating' as I was with H that summer and you gave him ultimatums, which he ignored. So you took a chance on love. You were heading for divorce. Ironically, he kind of decided to come back the moment you got back from America didnt he... he wanted to pick you up from the airport (he had no clue that you had visited a man there back then and has he since confirmed, that he had no clue? i.e: that isnt why he decided he wanted back). Wierd timing hey.

Lets talk soon hey

[kat727]

I think that the kids must be feeling fairly secure with both of you now so that they can let down their own walls. I know it probably doesn't seem that way but I believe it to be true. My kids were trying so hard to support me that they actually stopped being kids for a while. I knew they felt I was better when they started to get into trouble for doing stupid kid stuff again!

I take that as a good sign.

hugs, kat