I guess the thing is that I know that if I give H an ultimatum then he'll choose ow over me.
Cas, I think of ultimatums as being very black and white. I don't think boundaries HAVE to sound totally black and white. That's why I really liked the wording that Jody gave me when I set that boundary with XH: "I can't roll with that right now". To me that sounds softer and not permanent (which is the aspect of this that I think has you concerned). Also, the e-mail I sent XH shows my vulnerability to XH in an honest way so that he can understand why I drew that line.
