cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[newmama]

awest, you were strong to be able to attend the parenting class with your H. I would have cried through the whole thing and maybe even threw something at him.

so, your previous student has a crush on you? How weird! What is funny though is that in 7 years, you will be 35 and he will be 28. I am sure you will be totally in a happy loving relationship at that time, but there comes a point when the 7 year age difference isn't so huge! ANd I always wonder about people who were college students who dated their professors. (Of course SINGLE professors, not married men like Red's H.)

I can't wait to do things like build tents in the living room withS! Hope you had some more fun last night

[awest1217]

Actually, it was hard at the class because H was the one crying the entire time so I wanted to go to him and say it is your fault...YOU cheated, YOU left, NOT ME. I still want to be married.

Anyway, as I said we talked afterwards and I did tell him those things. I told him that I am 110% devoted to S and the best situation for S is that H and I get along. Sadly right now that means being very involved with each other because S can talk, but doesn't get everything so we have to talk. Also all the sudden (after 16 months of not caring) H wants to be as involved in S's life as possible, which is good, but also wants to "take care" of me, which is odd. I really think he feels bad for how he acted before and realizes how great I am being through this (those of you reading my sitch know that I let him walk all over me to keep the peace and even went to his parents house every week so they could see S when he didn't want to do that). I only got really mad and went off on him and OW once. I never and still haven't contacted OW's H about what I know. I have always been nice to OW, except that one time so I think H is trying to be nice back...or he is trying to get me to not make him pay me if he owes a lot in the D. Like he said he payed an extra $500 on the car last month, but I don't know about that. I did put in one dig on H and that was he was telling me he how he got a ticket coming back from chicago in November and I said "oh the romantic weekend right after you left me again saying you would be right back". I said sorry right away, but I never do stuff like that and he had just gotten done saying how he didn't want to get a life insurance policy for S because my brother (an insurance agent) told me we BOTH should do it, not just H, but H is mad because it was my brother and because he has all these meds he is on which will increase his rate.

The only thing from the class H doesn't have yet is a "home" for S. Since he lives with his parents, H and S never have their time, and the grandparents/uncles never have time with S either. It is all awkward so H really needs a place of his own.

I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. Everytime something big for the D happens I have a bad few days. Thinking about grief. I believe I have accepted the fact H left me and grieved that part. I have forgiven him for the most part, which is why I can be around him so much, but I am still grieving our marriage which is the part I have not forgiven H for. I am past angry (which I learned yesterday I probably don't stay angry long enough) and am at depression. I know because when I am depressed I don't clean the house and the house is a mess. I just need help to get motivated.

On H "taking care" of me, he is trying to help with the car, and then I did something that made my side (yes from this summer when I fell) hurt. He asked about it and I said I was trying to do some ab stuff and it started to hurt again. It was looking good, but now is swollen again. He said I should do him a favor and get it taken care of. I said I would but I need a new doc (mine is horrible) so he said he would make the appointment and even go with me if I was scared about what they say. Yes I am scared, but mostly because I don't want surgery. I have a S to raise and I don't want to deal with this. I know it is either a pulled muscle or fractured rib because where the pain is there is nothing to hyrniate. Anyway just more weird stuff.

Soon the M will be over and I will officially be single. Not something I ever wanted and H will finally be free to be with OW the way he wants, if she ever leaves her H (he and OW only do stuff when her H is working). Oh well not my problem as long as it doesn't affect S.

Now off to get ready for church because a teacher at the last minute called to say she is sick.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, that would be tough to attend that parenting class with H. The only good thing is that now you can be sure that you both heard the same lecture, so if anything was to come up, you could refer to the parenting class (ie "remember when they said --". I don't blame you for the dig though. You've showed a lot of self control not saying a lot of things that could (and maybe even deserve) to be said to him. It's obviously doesn't help the sitch to say it (besides making you feel better for a minute), so it was good that you apologized.

Regarding H taking care of you, I'm a little skeptical on his change, but I hope it is sincere. Obviously you know what is fair for the D settlement, so if his niceness is only to get you to soften up and let him off the hook, it's not going to work! But too, defnitely take care of yourself. If H is willing to help you with the dr, then do it (even if it's just for yourself to satisfy the need of wanting someone else there). You need to make sure it's not something more serious. Hopefully not, but you need to make sure!

I'm sorry you are having these down days but it's great that you are able to be so introspective about the different feelings you are feeling and the fact that you are grieving the loss of your M. Take the time to grieve, but also take the time to do some things for yourself. Forget about the housework right now and spend some extra time playing with S and just doing something fun. Like you said, the M will be over soon, and although it's not what you wanted, you're dealing with what you have been given (a lemon of an H, as I like to say!), and your moving forward with your life!

[Virtually_Handsome]

That's interesting. The folks administering the parenting class I took cross checked to make sure that both spouses were NOT taking the same session!

[ClingingToHope]

Same here in Illinois. The only way they are in the class together is they both request it.

[awest1217]

It is ok now here for spouses to take the class together. They actually say to just take the class whenever convenient and if it is NOT ok to take it together to say. Otherwise they don't make a big deal out of it. I actually sat with a divorcing couple who joked together the whole time. There were from what I could tell another 3 couples that were there divorcing, but taking the class together.

I am doing alright today. I have many questions about why. Mostly why did he come home for two weeks a year ago and leave saying he promised he would be back in no more than a month to never come back. Why not even try? I also wish I had a human being I could talk to about my feelings. I am so glad I have this board to use as my journal and help me be so introspective, although I always have been. Right now I am thinking never do all of this again, but I think that is part of the roller coaster as well. Some days I think I may want to try a R and M again, and others I think why bother. I love my life and love my kid and love my family, friends, church, job, house, why tip the boat with another human being? Just thoughts.

I did come home today, mowed, vacuumed, mopped, did laundry (which I will be folding in just a few minutes...two weeks worth), made dinner, cleaned up dinner, and went to a meeting about the resale my sister-in-law leads that I am in charge of. CRAZY! But I think cleaning and getting caught up has really helped my mood. I hate not cleaning and having stuff put away. I can take it for so long then it gets to me. Now that I am caught up, I can spend the rest of the week with S and not feel bad.

It seems like time is flying by more than normal. I can't believe next Friday starts October already. Next week i will be half way done with the first trimester...AAHHH!!! I am just so busy. I don't have a free weekend until....October 16? By then I will need to rake leaves and prepare for winter.

Oh and last thing, my step-sister and family from TN will be moving here next weekend. She is full of drama and her H can't move here yet because they need two incomes and he hasn't found a job here yet so...she is going to bring even more drama because she will expect everyone to watch her kids for her constantly. My nephews are 8 and 6. Not too bad, but the oldest has ausbergers and the youngest has ADHD. They were raised differently than S and my brother's S so they ruin things and don't listen well, etc. Just a handful. I usually have no problems with them, but after working all day and taking care of S, I don't need my nephews every day too or every weekend or anything like that. She is expecting to hang out with family all the time, and we don't do that. We have our separate lives, especially fall-spring. We hang out more in the summer. More fun :-P

[awest1217]

YEsterday a new small dilemma came into play about the D. It has nothing to do with H or S, but with my students. I have always been a "goody-goody" and I am a church girl. Part of me working with high school students is making sure that I am a good example. Now that the D is going through when students ask if I am married I say no, however I have my S and they know that. I don't want them to think that I had him and was never married. I want to encourage my students to wait to have a child until they are with someone they are committed to, and now I feel that when I say no it is giving them the wrong idea. Not that I want to tell them everything, but anyway just something I was thinking about.

Very tired this week. It could be the weather. Yesterday was 87 and today is going to be 77 and tomorrow almost 90 with rain on and off until Saturday. Plus I have not had any relaxing time for a while and to get everything done I have been staying up late so tonight I am going to bed early. I feel bad because there are shows I want to watch, but I guess I will just watch them at other times on hulu.

[BeginningAgain]

Well when they ask if you are married, just say "No unfortunately I'm divorced" and leave it at that.

[soleil]

Or when they ask if you are married you could say "No, I am not."

If they press, you could tell them you are D'ed.

[Lucky11too]

Or even, "no, not anymore". It let's them know you were married (assumed when had S), but are not anymore for any various reason (divorced or widowed). It's not their business to know the reasons around it. If you're like me, I don't want to promote D either, so not saying why you aren't married anymore helps that too.

It's great that you got caught up on everything and felt up to doing it too, but yes, break time for yourself! Have an early relaxing night and enjoy it!