Hi Cas- This is so hard to see them come toward you and then back away again...and that is why they say to have no expectations because then you won't be disappointed and hurt. I admit, I am horrible at having no expectations...but Cas, think about it...if you weren't building anticipation of your H moving forward, you might not be bothered by the change in attitude. For now, you really have to live "as if". My H has done touch and goes so many times, I have lost count. Just remind yourself that whatever your H is going through is not about you and that he does care about you, but he is a mess right now and can't figure out which end is up. If the touch and goes bother you too much, keep your distance. You are in control of setting your own boundaries.
GAG, as always you have made great sense! I appreciate your ability to reflect and respond candidly and in consideration of all aspects.
GAG, I agree that H does care for me.
H took ow with him when bil and sil were here a year ago, too. Perhaps it's about him looking like he's doing ok to his family.... he's made the right decisions etc. . It's just that he doesn't seem to spend too much time with ow otherwise.... I mean he can't be with her too much by the time he spends time here and then talking to me most nights.
I'm probably inclined to speak my truth as I have been doing that recently such as when he offered to let me view a dvd of his that I knew he got from ow. I said no, it made me uncomfortable because it came from her. He said sorry. Then there was also another time recently but I can't remember it too well...will check my other thread. He wasn't happy about what I said at first but then he was fine afterwards.
I know he will say that he was upfront cos he told me he was going to dinner with bil and sil ........
I think there is now enough goodwill between us for me to speak about this.If that convo doesn't go well I will use an adaptation of Jody's words. Thanks so much GAG.
Another thought I had......perhaps it is time for me to initiate something else with H. He's not an overly social person but he might say yes to a dinner or a movie. I'm thinking more about ow being paraded out for the family dinner...seems convenient.
(We had a disagreement tonight. It was a minor thing he had not told me about. I know this is an area of sensitivity for me. I feel that given the loss of trust It's important for me to be informed about things. He was annoyed to begin with and said he would never please me but when I explained properly he was fine. It was a good example of how we will have to reach new understanding in the future, even as friends and how he thinks I am too difficult to please. The challenge is to continue speaking my truth but in a positive way that does not show I have unrealistic expectations. the positive of it all is that he didn't hang up on me, ignore me or shout at me like he would have in the height of his MLC)
So I discussed the issue and H says he told me where he was going and that he would have still been going there with or without ow. He thinks I'm making a big deal over nothing. After a while I begin to think I am! Anyway it was a no win situation so I brought it to a close. She exists. I knew that. he took her, as I expected he would. I think he took her to save face anyway. He says, let's just forget it and move on. This is not helping our friendship. I was not getting anywhere and only getting him offside.
I got the sense he was saying, "You can't control me and I didn't do anything wrong" but at the same time he was still trying to hold on as well without making any real concession. In previous times if I said something of this nature he would have been swearing and yelling and telling me to get lost. Then there would be days of anger or silence.
So in a sense I ate my words, pulled back and said sorry if what I said upset him but it was how I felt. He said sorry, too.
So although there was no concession on his part what I said will hopefully influence his actions next time.
Then he sent me a text to say he would pick D up for me so that was a bonus.
Am I just too much of a soft touch??
Upside...you're right...expectations are there and I've known that all along. If I saw that ow was with him I would feel let down but this was worse. He changed our arrangement to take ow to see his family. I think my expectation for him to be transparent is reasonable.
I guess the thing is that I know that if I give H an ultimatum then he'll choose ow over me. The bonus is that I can move on even though it's painful and I won't just be waiting on crumbs he decides to throw my way.
On the other hand I enjoy his company and things have been very comfortable lately. I had hoped he would sense that and move away from ow.
When I type it, it sounds pathetic. This feels awful. I think I'm becoming the wife and he's still having an affair.
I guess the thing is that I know that if I give H an ultimatum then he'll choose ow over me.
Cas, I think of ultimatums as being very black and white. I don't think boundaries HAVE to sound totally black and white. That's why I really liked the wording that Jody gave me when I set that boundary with XH: "I can't roll with that right now". To me that sounds softer and not permanent (which is the aspect of this that I think has you concerned). Also, the e-mail I sent XH shows my vulnerability to XH in an honest way so that he can understand why I drew that line.
Thanks GAG. I feel so utterly confused atm. I'm tired of the whole process. He knows how I feel about ow and the whole situation. He'll say I'm with ow so it's up to you if you want to be friends in this circumstance. I do and I don't. Previously the db coach said to ignore her existence which I have done but I also recognise that I could end up in the same situation in another 2 years down the track.
GAG, what Jody has suggested sounds softer but at the end of the day it's me having the courage to state this and be ready to move on.
