Man, those must be very special dogs! But, I see your POV. If she's disrespecting you (and she is), then she doesn't come to your house or visit anything therein.
Continuing NC and not allowing her in your home, or visit the pets, are about all you have at this point.
LOL. They're special to me. They are either the gateway of the old life to her or an unfortunate way to get something from the house(It's been used by her before).
She is disrespecting me and I've had enough. I'm not acting angry or vindictive, but enough is enough.
My Boundary now is to protect ME from her lies and cunning "same old" tactics. I've more than extended an olive branch and peaceful communication about our financial situation. She took it upon herself to break the branch and wipe her feet on the doormat.
Does this mean I've opened a can of warfare up and going to attack and get even? NO WAY. I'm just done. Until she can approach me with an ounce of respect, there is no further reason to tolerate crap behavior. Does this mean I'm going to be an A-Hole when/if we see each other? Nope. Treat her with kindness in a confident way.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Has she asked for any of her things that was left behind? Has seeing the dogs been the top of her list?
Nope, she hasn't asked for anything. Dogs have not been top of her list, she hasn't even asked about the one that was sick since Labor Day. Now all of a sudden after the crap pulled by her last week, she asks to see them. Makes me think she's just trying to find a way in...in to/for what? Unknown. (OR maybe just random crazy behavior?)
She texted and asked if she could come over and see the dogs.
To you this makes her nuts. How could she possibly want to see the dogs when she is destroying your life.
Knee jerk reaction says: No. Vindictive means No because it will hurt her.
That is not how I view this. She's screwing up hers just as much. If anything, she's made me realize how bad my previous issues were and that there is a better me to be found. Guess I'm angry and thankful.
She's nuts if she thinks I'm going to respond to her after last weeks deception.
Not doing anything other than stopping me from hurting more.
I will be contacting a third party Mediator per counsel from attorney. There will be no more reason to contact each other. She can lie to her now.
You can get busy building walls to protect yourself...
OR
Get busy healing yourself, and building yourself
...instead of walls.
Can't heal if I continue to rip the stitches out of my own wound. Working on setting her free and building my life up is only way to go now.
Not quite sure what you mean by Wall? I saw an attorney to set up best way forward and was advised mediation...no contact means no more dealing with same old behaviors that don't work. If I see something different, maybe I'll react a different way.
There's nothing wrong with having boundaries. Sorry.
There is when it is an excuse not to move forward, heal and grow.
Sorry.
Boundaries are tools.
To protect you.
Not to punish.
Not to control.
Not to force.
And I also believe you can sit there and look at everything and try to build a boundary to protect yourself.
At some point you have to take your crash helmut off.
I feel like boundaries can be like crying wolf.
At some point they become meaningless if they don't have purpose for you in your healing and a clear goal.
AND they MUST be enforced or you are a paper tiger.
So
choose them well. And make sure you absolutely NEED them.
I have found that there are ways to protect yourself and stand up for your dignity and honor most of the time without hiding behind a boundary.
That is my point. If you need them use them to get healthy.
Boundaries are a personal decision. Up to the individual. Often they are used as an expression of anger, punishment or control.
Sorry Faith for this crap on your thread. You gotta figure for yourself what is driving your decision.
If it's anger, punishment etc. it ain't a boundary.
Anything that has root in anger can probably have a better solution.
Don't let that define you. Move past it.
I could see where NC could seem like "Control" or "Punishment". I've always felt it was manipulative to a point, but when you really get to the point that you can't take the abuse or disrespect any more, it's actually kind of peaceful. Why would I want to keep touching the hot burner if it's only going to hurt?
I've been a paper Tiger for way too long.
I don't want to do this...I would prefer a rational peaceful WAW.
I Love my Wife even after this sh!t! I do not want to hurt her or punish her in any way. I would hate myself if I would do this to her. Firm, but respectful is how I would want to be treated.
As mad as you might be for questioning you, your regrets for a hasty decision will kick your ass far long and harder than a few of my questions ever can.
I'm not mad at any of you. I've been hanging on too long. I'm angry but not just at her.
I'm not mad at any of you. I've been hanging on too long. I'm angry but not just at her.
IMO, they are trying to rush the process along for you.
That's my 2 cents anyway.
Boundaries--to keep from re-opening fresh wounds or expose yourself to predatory behavio--are fine. I understand them. Until you two have some sort of understanding that you will not allow this type of predatory and unhealthy behavior in your life anymore, and she understands and respects that, you are better off without her coming around, so you enforce the boundary.
I don't think you are really ready for the next step to letting go, but I could be wrong. I am wrong sometimes
You decide. -------------------------------------------------------------
At some point..., you will begin to understand that the root of all of the negative emotions (e.g. anger) is "fear". Fear can be a healthy response when you are threatened by real physical violence, robbery, and so on. That is a very temporary thing however.
What is the process of "Letting go"?
The fear, anger, reget, resentment, and so on ... that you feel are not who YOU are. It's OK to feel them. In fact, the only way to move beyond them is to feel them and understand that they are part of your unconcious mind at work. You should always be aware of what you are feeling, and then understand that these emotions would like to take over, but they cannot do that unless you begin to identify with them. They are like demons that want to take over. So feel them, understand them, and know that when you are able to watch them when you feel them, they lose their power to take over. They cannot withstand the light, so to speak. So long as you are aware, and you watch them, the lose their power to control you.
Likewise, your ego is not really who YOU are either, but it wants you to think it is YOU. Your ego is a tool, but it is insecure because it fears its own anhilation constantly. You ego cannot exist in the present, the NOW. It cannot exist without TIME. The ego is rooted in the past and visions of the future.
You need your ego to set goals, make reasonable plans, to learn from your past. It is who you are when you are "thinking", when your mind is busy, but it is not who you are when you are in the moment. It is a tool, but it is a tool that ceases to be when you are not thining about the past or the future, so it would like you to believe it is who YOU are so it can stick around.
So you have the unconcious emotional patterns that want to take you over so they can continue to exist, and your ego would like to keep you constantly in the past or the future so that it can always exist, but then... there is who YOU are when you are just living in the moment.
So... getting back to letting go. You have to be able to live in the only real time that there ever is: NOW. The past and the future do not ever actually exist. The past is filtered memories, the future is hopeful or fearful fantasy, but the only time you can DO anything is NOW, and the trick to making the best use of your time and letting go is that you have to be aware of who you are when your ego is silent, when the demons of your unconcious mind have been put to rest, and when you are just living in the NOW, when you are just "being".
I don't usually waste much time trying to explain all of where I am coming from to people here. I usually ask folks to try to make gratitude lists (list 10 things for which you are grateful. do this every day for a month).
The point of the gratitude lists is to shift your "mind" (ego) to start noticing the good things in life. But to really, really experience joy, you have to be in the present moment, your ego has to be silent, and you have to overcome your negative emotional patterns of behavior. You have to just be. The gratitude lists are a nice stepping stone to the NOW and letting go.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Everyone here posts based upon their experience and what they think they did or did not do right.
To me it seems that you are rushing forward to a divorce.
In your real life, it is more than likely that friends and family are encouraging you toward this goal, I mean she is cheating on you, disrespecting you and hurting you, what friend or family member is going to want you to stick around for that. We as people seldom want to see our friends and family hurt.
I do not see many people asking you to slow down, I see people glad handing you for sticking to a boundary. And...you know what? Good for you for being able to.
You came to Divorce Busting, not to learn just one thing...bounadries. But many things.
Including: If something ISN'T working change it. It is a pretty basic idea of DBing.
I am suggesting to put the brakes on, not the gas pedal.
A little kindness.
Boundaries do work, but not by themselves.
Protect yourself, find yourself.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 09/22/1002:58 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
